


Knife

by TiffanyF



Series: Silverware [2]
Category: CSI: Miami, Criminal Minds
Genre: AU, Angst, Character Bashing, M/M, OOC, Partner Betrayal, everyone is angry at Hotch
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-14
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-03-17 21:18:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 47
Words: 62,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3544142
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TiffanyF/pseuds/TiffanyF
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aaron Hotchner decides he wants something that is no longer his partner of ten years, Spencer Reid. Reid runs to the one place he knows he will be safe to allow his heart to fully break; Miami Florida, and the home of Jason Gideon and his partner Horatio Caine. David Rossi isn't happy about any of this, and he's not going to let Hotch forget about it. Not mine, don't own, no money made here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I haven't had a chance to see past season 5 so I'm pulling in characters I really know nothing about to try and make a story work out. So far, I have to say it seems to be working, but I'm also posting pretty much everything I've got until this point. Just what I need, one more WIP.

“Where’s Reid?” Morgan asked around eight in the morning.

“Maybe he just hasn’t checked in yet,” Emily suggested, glancing up from the folder she was working with at her desk. “Did he have any appointments or anything?”

“No, if anything, he said he was going to come in early to work on something,” Morgan said. “Rossi, man, have you seen Reid today?”

Rossi paused on his way back to his office. “No, I haven’t,” he said. “Aaron, where’s Reid?”

“I don’t know,” Hotch said.

“What do you mean, you don’t know?” Morgan demanded. 

“Just that,” Hotch said.

“Aaron, I think that Morgan has a valid concern,” Rossi said, frowning. “Why don’t we go and check on Reid and make sure he’s okay?”

“Dave…”

Rossi grabbed Hotch’s arm and started walking him towards the elevator. “I thought you would see it my way,” he said. “Morgan, hold down the fort until we’re back.”

Hotch waited until they were alone in the elevator before shaking off Rossi’s hand and turning to glare at him. “What the hell, Dave?”

“How long have you been in a relationship with Spencer Reid, Aaron?” Rossi asked.

“What?”

“Aaron, don’t insult me by trying to lie about this, please,” Rossi said. “I think that you and Spencer are probably the worst kept secret on our team. I knew within a day of my return that you were at the least sleeping with him, and, knowing you, knew that it was far more than that.”

“Dave, you don’t understand,” Hotch said with a sigh.

“You’re right, I don’t, because you never try to talk about it,” Rossi said. He stopped next to his truck. “In. If you try to run, I will shoot your ass.”

Hotch glared at him, but got in the truck and buckled his seatbelt before crossing his arms over his chest. Rossi glanced over at him and snorted, but started the truck without comment and started towards the gate. “So, the question now is if Spencer has his own place or if the pair of you are living together?”  
“He recently moved back into an apartment,” Hotch said.

“By his choice or yours?” Rossi asked.

Silence was his only answer. There were times when Aaron Hotchner would be able to out-stubborn a mule without even trying. “Can you tell me the address or am I going to have to call the Bureau?”

Hotch rattled it off and wouldn’t answer another question put to him until they arrived at the building. Rossi glanced over when Hotch made no effort to move. “The threat of shooting remains, Aaron. Out of the truck and show me which apartment is Reid’s before I decide that shooting you is the better option.”

“I didn’t realize you cared so much about Reid,” Hotch said.

“There’s a lot you don’t realize, Aaron,” Rossi said. He trailed behind the other man as they climbed a flight of stairs. “Key.”

He didn’t even try to pretend like he didn’t have one. Hotch handed it over and walked into the apartment when Rossi had the door open. Rossi stayed back for a moment and studied the room in front of him. Boxes lined the wall, stacked three high, likely full of books, and there was only one chair in what was probably the living room. He could see a raggedy old table in the next room and went towards it when Hotch showed no sign of moving forward. On the table were an envelope, some papers, a gun, a small box, and a wallet. Rossi picked up the wallet and opened it to find Reid’s bureau ID. “There’s a letter here addressed to you, Aaron,” he said. “Along with something that looks very much like a sexual contract.”

The last words finally spurred Hotch to movement. He crossed the room and snatched up the yellowed pages, folding them and sticking them into the inner pocket of his jacket without looking at them. Rossi just watched him and sighed. “Are you going to smack my hand if I try and hand you your letter? The one you seem so determined to ignore?”

Hotch picked up the envelope and looked at it for a long minute before handing it over with a sigh. “It’s not like you’re not going to find out anyway,” he said. “Go ahead and read it. I think I know what it says already.”

“Are you sure, Aaron?” Rossi asked.

“No, but Spencer hasn’t spoken to me in two weeks,” Hotch replied, looking weary. “I have a feeling this is his way of saying good-bye to me.”

Rossi frowned, but opened the envelope and pulled out the letter to read.

 

_Aaron, I’m not sure when you’re going to find this, but I’m writing it on the tenth, if that makes any difference to you. I can’t do this any longer. I can’t sit at work and watch you when you have thrown me out of your life after so long. I remember the man you were, as far back as New York, when you cornered me in the bathroom and slipped a plug into my body. That was the night you allowed Jason to watch us, and set us upon a road that almost destroyed us both. If not for Jason and his infinite well of wisdom, I likely would have continued on the way I was until I destroyed us both. One thing never changed out of all of that though. I still have a hard time not giving you what you want, in the bedroom or out. Being tied up still terrifies me, but if you were to appear in my room and request it of me, I would agree, because it would mean you saw me as desirable again. As someone you wanted in your life. Someone you loved._

_I’m the first to admit that I’m a novice when it comes to relationships, having no good role-model when growing up, but I’ve had any number of conversations with Jason over the years, and he’s helped me learn what it is I need to do. Drawing up our contract also helped, all those years ago, to give me guidelines on what I could and couldn’t do. I know you long doubted it, but the desire to have Jason join us in our relationship was real on my part. I’m also very glad that it didn’t come about, because he’s far happier now than I think I’ve ever heard him, and losing you like this would have destroyed him far more than anything that happened at work._

_When you came home that day, and please do not pretend not to know which day I’m speaking about, I could tell you had something on your mind. I asked if there was anything you wanted to talk about, and you said no. You told me everything was fine and, I believe, that was the first time you lied to me. I don’t know why you even bothered to try and lie to me, Aaron. I’m a profiler trained by some of the smartest and most accomplished in the field. I can tell when a man is lying to me, especially one that I’m close to. I didn’t call you on that lie though, and I can’t help but wonder if maybe I should have. If I’d called you on it then, if maybe we could have talked about whatever it was you were feeling and we wouldn’t now be at this point._

_You need to be more aware of your surroundings, Aaron. I followed you three days in a row and found out your secret before you told me that you wanted to end our relationship. Our almost ten year relationship. Did you even realize the day you broke up with me was our ten year anniversary? I’d bought something that I was going to give you that night, after the dinner I worked so hard not to ruin. After we’d spent the evening together on the sofa, watching that movie you’ve been trying to find time for for months. And you never even realized any of it, did you? You came home from work and ignored the table, the dinner I’d managed to cook for you, and told me that you were done with us and I needed to find somewhere new to live._

_It was only luck that I found this place so quickly. The home we’d shared for so long was no longer warm for me. You wouldn’t look at me. You wouldn’t talk to me unless we were at work. You weren’t home unless it was to change clothes and to sleep. You never told me the reason you wanted to end things, but I knew. I knew and I tried to fight back however I could, but I realized quickly that you stopped seeing me. I don’t know when it was that you stopped seeing me, but I suspect it was weeks before you kicked me out of the home I helped you to build. I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. Everyone and everything I’ve ever loved leaves me in the end._

_I’m leaving the Bureau. Right now I don’t think I would stop someone that was shooting at me. I’m a risk to the team, and will not risk Morgan, Emily, and Rossi like that. I don’t want them to have to wash my blood from their hands. Were I to be injured now, I don’t have the will to fight back, and I don’t want to hurt them like that. Tell them I’m fine. That I’ve moved on and am happy. It’s a lie, but they won’t ever have to know that. I’ll be in touch with the Bureau in a week or two, let them know that I’m retiring early. I don’t think any of them will be surprised. I’ve left my gun, badge, and phone on the table. Along with the thing I bought for our anniversary. I don’t know what you’ll do with it, but it brings me too much pain to keep._

_I wish you happiness with the woman you chose to replace me with, Aaron. I don’t know who she is, don’t know anything about her, but it seems she makes you smile when I no longer do. I don’t know where I’ll go, but I ask you not look for me. You have obviously moved on from whatever it was our relationship ever meant to you. Allow me to mourn on my own and don’t worry about me. I doubt I’ll ever be fine, but maybe someday I’ll be able to find what it is I want to live for. Spencer_

Rossi finished reading the letter and looked up at Hotch, brown eyes smoldering in anger. “What did you do to him, Aaron?” he growled.

“I ended our relationship,” Hotch replied. He picked up the small box and opened it. Two rings glittered in the light, and he could just make out some engraving on the inside of the bands, but couldn’t read it.

“Give me that,” Rossi snapped. He grabbed the box from Hotch’s hand. “You don't get to touch anything that precious, Aaron. Not after you destroyed one of the best young men I have ever known. What the hell does he mean the woman you replaced him with?”

“Her name is Beth and I met her when I was out jogging one morning,” Hotch said. “We hit it off and went for coffee together. Then dinner.”

Rossi growled again. “Conveniently forgetting that you have a partner at home?”

“Maybe it’s true what they say about dating co-workers,” Hotch said. “I needed a break from Spencer.”

“And the two of you are, or were, so glued together that you spent every waking moment of ever day together?” Rossi demanded. “So that wasn’t Spencer I saw going to the movies with Morgan when you and I went to have dinner together. That wasn’t you I saw at the coffee shop without Spencer while he was at the local used bookstore. You do not get to demean love like this, Aaron. I don’t know when I’ve been so disappointed and disgusted with anyone in my life.”  
“Like you were always so loyal to your ex-wives,” Hotch said.

Rossi slipped the box and letter into the inner pocket of his blazer and then straightened it. “You shouldn’t say things that you don’t know a damn thing about,” he said, voice low. “I might not have been the best husband in the world, but I have never once cheated on a partner. There may be stories about me out there, but you have no right to accuse me of something that you are guilty of, Aaron.”

Hotch shrugged but didn’t say anything. Rossi bit back another growl. “This is why Spencer has been looking so sick for the past month,” he said. “Because you broke his heart, kicked him out of his home, and took away the person he loved more than his own life. Spencer lost everything at once and had no one he could talk to.” He picked up the badge and gun. “Are you even going to pretend to be concerned about Spencer, or are you still too focused on this bitch you seem to be willing to throw everything away for?”

“You don’t get to talk about Beth like that,” Hotch snapped.

“I’ll talk about her however I damn well please,” Rossi snapped back. “Does she even know that you broke up with your male partner of ten years to be with her? Does she care that she walked into the middle of something she had no business being in?”

“It’s not her fault.”

“No, you’re right. It’s not. The fault is solely with you for not telling her that you have a partner that you love more than anything but that you’d enjoy being friends with her,” Rossi said. “Maybe that’s the problem. You don’t love Spencer anymore and took the excuse meeting someone new to throw him out on his ear. The young man that could and did take a bullet for you. The young man I’m not sure isn’t going to try and kill himself within the next few days because he is too heart-broken to continue on his own. You might not care enough to go after him, Aaron, but I do. And I might just show him that he’s worthy of love, too.”

“Stay away from him, David.”

“Why do you care? You don’t want him anymore.”

“He doesn’t need any heartbreak.”

“No, he doesn’t. He’s had enough of that because of you,” Rossi snapped. “I’m going to find him and convince him that he doesn’t need to retire. You need to think about what it is you did to him, and if you think it’s even worth me attempting to convince him to return. Right now, I’m not sure that I’m not going to join him. Get a taxi back to work. If I have to be around you any longer, I’m going to puke.”


	2. Chapter 2

Reid stood and looked at the police department, windows gleaming in the sunlight. He’d used cash to take a taxi to a bus stop away from any camera Garcia would hack and came south to Miami. While Reid realized that it was the most obvious place for him to go, he didn’t want to be anywhere else.

“Dr. Reid?” a soft voice asked from behind him.

He turned and managed to smile. “Hi Lieutenant Caine,” Reid said. “I would have called first, but I left my phone behind. I was wondering if Jason is in town?”

“He is, and I know that he’ll be thrilled to see you,” Horatio said. He took off his sunglasses and studied the young man in front of him. “We’ll help you again, Spencer. I don’t know what’s happened, but we’ll help you.”

“Thanks,” Reid said. He didn’t even question it. Jason Gideon told him that there had been an on-going recruitment for Horatio Caine since the pair met. “I haven’t slept in days.”

“Then let’s get you home and to a place where you feel safe enough to try,” Horatio said. He put an arm around the younger man’s shoulders and turned him towards the parking lot. He left the arm there when Reid almost melted against him. “Jason and I will protect you against everything, Spencer. Even your own mind, if you’ll let us.”

“I don’t know if you can,” Reid said.

“Give us a chance to try?”

Reid managed a smile. “I can do that,” he said.  
**

Gideon was puzzled. His lover called him in the middle of the day and asked him to put extra soda in the fridge. Horatio didn’t say anything else and Jason wasn’t sure what it meant. It wasn’t like Horatio to keep secrets, and he was pacing by the front door when he heard the Hummer pull into the drive. Jason opened the front door and almost instantly had an armful of Spencer Reid. “Spencer,” he said, arms wrapping around the younger man automatically. “What’s happened?”

“He kicked me out,” Reid managed, tears starting to fall. “He broke up with me and said he didn’t love me anymore and I had to leave. I had to pack up all my things all alone and find an apartment before he put my stuff on the curb. I haven’t slept in days and I keep having nightmares.”

“Shhhhh,” Jason said, pulling Reid into the house. “Come on, let’s sit down. You can sit on my lap, Spencer. Don’t tense up on me, it’s not good for you. You can sit on my lap as long as you need to, and I’ll hold you during the night as long as you need that, too. Come on, I just want to get us in the house and out of sight of the neighbors.”

Horatio moved around them, heading for the kitchen and the sodas he’d asked his lover to put in to cool. He wasn’t sure what was happening, but it seemed like Reid’s own lover had broken his heart, and Horatio was debating flying up to Quantico and having a few words with Aaron Hotchner. He carried the drinks back into the living room and smiled softly when he caught sight of the pair on the sofa. “Thirsty, Spencer?” he asked softly.

“Yeah,” Reid admitted. He’d turned sideways to fit on Jason’s lap, so he reached out for one of the cans. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Horatio said. He handed Jason his, and then sat down close to the pair with a diet Coke of his own. The others had Pepsi, which Horatio couldn’t stand. “Spencer, what do you mean Agent Hotchner kicked you out?”

“He met someone else, some woman, and decided he wanted a relationship with her, so I had to go,” Reid said, looking down at the can in his hand. “He broke up with me on our anniversary after I made him dinner and had plans to ask him to marry me. Why did he stop loving me?”

“This might just confirm my long-standing belief that Aaron is an idiot,” Jason commented blandly, rubbing Reid’s back. “Spencer, you are one of the most precious people in this world and if Aaron decided, for any reason, that he wanted you out of his life, then he is a bigger idiot than I ever expected. I can’t speak for his reasons, only he can do that. We need to focus on you. How you’re feeling and helping you through one of the worst betrayals of your life.”

Reid leaned his head against Gideon’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “I left him a letter at my apartment. I don’t know when he’ll find it, or even if he cares enough to go looking for me when I don’t show up at work,” he said. “I already told the Bureau I was taking personal leave and would be in touch, so I still have a job, but I can’t go back to it. Can I come work with you guys?”

“We’d love nothing more,” Horatio said softly. “Spencer, right now you need a chance to heal and find yourself as yourself. Do you understand what that means?”

“I think so. I’ve been part of a pair for ten years and I’m suddenly on my own and don’t know what to do,” Reid said. “I need to find myself again. The me that can stand on his own without a partner, but I don’t know how to do that. I’ve had Aaron with me for so long, I don’t know what to do.”

“We’ll show you,” Jason said. “Right now, I think you need a nap, Spencer. Come on, I’ll stay with you and help you through the nightmares. Horatio, will you stand guard just in case, please?”

Horatio grinned. Agent Hotchner hated him and he loved baiting the other man every chance he got. “It would be my pleasure,” he said. He took the can of soda back from Spencer and set it on the table. “Let me know if you need anything, either of you.”

“We will,” Jason said. He shifted his grip a little and stood, holding Reid against his chest. “Come on, Spencer. Horatio and I just redecorated the guest room and put a new bed in there. Have you ever slept on a water bed before?”

“No.”

“I hope you don’t get sea-sick,” Gideon said, starting down the hall. “How did you find out about the woman, Spencer? I know Aaron, and I know that he wouldn’t have told you everything.”

“I followed him one morning when he wasn’t acting right,” Reid said. “I don’t think he was expecting me to profile him because we always say we don’t profile the ones we love. This was probably a week after he initially met her, but still a week or so before he broke up with me. I know where he jogs and it wasn’t hard to hide near his starting and ending point.”

“I’m so sorry, Spencer,” Gideon said. He sat down on the edge of the water bad. “Come on, let’s get your shoes and belt off and then you need to try and sleep for a bit. I’ll be right here the whole time.”

Reid kicked off his sneakers and sat up long enough to pull off his belt. “Will you hold me while I’m trying to sleep?” he asked. “I don’t want to be alone.”

“You’re not, Spencer,” Gideon said. “You are here with me and Horatio and we both care for you deeply.” He waited until the younger man was settled on the bed before curling up behind him. “I’ll be right here for as long as you need me to be.”

“Thank you,” Reid said.

Horatio had been standing outside in the hallway, listening to what Reid was willing to share, and it made him furious. That the young man was hurt, again, by the one man he loved more than anything made Horatio want to tie Agent Hotchner to a chair and spend a long time explaining to him exactly how special relationships were, and exactly why a person didn’t cheat on the one they loved. His keen ears picked up the sound of a car door slamming outside and he grinned, heading back towards the front door. He did love a good argument with Agent Hotchner. The other man had yet to learn how to hold his temper when pushed.


	3. Chapter 3

Hotch didn’t go back to the Bureau. It wasn’t hard to work out where Reid would have gone. If the younger man wasn’t in Miami with Jason Gideon already, he would be by the time Hotch arrived down there. He called for a taxi and then called the Bureau requesting 48-hours leave. He should have called Beth, to let her know that he was going to have to miss dinner that night, but he didn’t. For some reason, he didn’t want to talk with her just then.

It wasn’t as easy to get a ticket down to Miami, but he managed it and finally got a taxi out to the house Jason shared with Lieutenant Horatio Caine. Hotch could only hope that the Lieutenant was still at work so he wouldn’t have to talk with the other man. It was rare that Hotch truly hated anyone that worked in law enforcement, but he hated Horatio Caine with a passion. Reid always said it was because Hotch and Horatio were too much alike, but Hotch disagreed. The Lieutenant was arrogant and that was why he hated him.

He paid the taxi driver and got out, walking up to the house while studying his surroundings. It was the first time Hotch had visited Miami since the case nine years before that led to Jason Gideon leaving the BAU to consult on cases the Unit turned down. Hotch missed the other profiler, both at work and away from work, but had it driven home rather suddenly that for everyone’s health, Jason was going to have to leave. The house was nice, expensive, and Hotch could hear the ocean behind it. That was something Jason never mentioned, living on the beach. The nearest neighbor wasn’t close either, something that was unusual in a larger city. Normally space was at a premium, and he wondered if maybe Lieutenant Caine owned the land before the house was built. It would explain away the extra space on either side.

With a small sigh, Hotch raised his hand to knock on the door and stepped back when it opened before he made contact. “Lieutenant Caine,” he said, trying not to show how disappointed he was that the man was home.

“Hello, Agent Hotchner, what can I do for you today?” Horatio asked with a smile.

“Is Jason home?”

“I’m afraid he’s a little busy at the moment,” Horatio said. “Is there anything I can help you out with?”

“Has Spencer arrived yet?”

“Dr. Reid? I didn’t know he was scheduled to come down for a visit,” Horatio said. “Jason didn’t mention anything to me about it. Is everything okay?”

“Everything is fine.”

Horatio stepped out onto the porch and shut the door behind him. He leaned against it and studied the man in front of him for a long moment. Hotch looked normal, which meant he looked stressed and sleepy. Horatio shook his head with a small sigh. “Don’t lie to me, Agent Hotchner,” he said softly. “Don’t even try to lie to me. I know you don’t believe that Jason tried to bring me into the BAU for years, but he did. What have you done to Spencer?”

“I haven’t done anything to Spencer,” Hotch said.

“Then why do you believe he is down here to see Jason with no warning that he was coming to visit?” Horatio asked with a small smile. “Your logic is not holding up, Agent Hotchner.”

“Is Jason going to be available in the next hour?”

“I’m not sure, he was working on something in the office when I came home for a late lunch,” Horatio said. “You could always give him a call and see when he’s available.”

“I’ll do that, thank you,” Hotch said. “Could you ask him to keep his eyes open for Spencer too? I need to talk with him.”

Horatio’s eyes went cold for a moment, so fast that Hotch would have missed it had he not been looking directly at the man. “I think, Agent Hotchner, that is something you will have to talk about with Jason,” he said softly. “You can probably get a taxi up at the corner.”

Hotch watched Horatio vanish back into the house and sighed. The man was good, there was no denying that, but Hotch couldn’t help but feel like the lieutenant had a little bit of inside information, which meant that Spencer was inside. Hotch started down the block towards an area that looked like it might be a park, and pulled his cell phone out. “Jason?”

“Aaron, this is a surprise,” Jason said. “What can I do for you today?”

“You can tell me if you have Spencer safe inside your house or not,” Hotch said. “Your boyfriend wouldn’t tell me.”

“Spencer? Aaron, why would I have Spencer in my house?” Jason asked. “What’s wrong? What happened?”

“Look, Jason, I’m walking down the street away from your house towards what looks like a park of some sort,” Hotch said. “Can you meet me there to talk?”

“Give me ten minutes,” Jason said. “That’s a private park for the residents here, but go on in. The code is 890756. I’ll meet you there.”

“Thank you,” Hotch said. “And please leave your boyfriend at home. I really don’t need to see him again.”

Jason sighed. “I do wish you would give Horatio a real chance, Aaron,” he said. “He baits you because you walk into it every time.”

“Jason.”

“He’ll stay home,” Gideon said. “He might even have to go back to work, I’m not sure. I’ll be there as fast as I can, Aaron. Find a spot where you’re comfortable and wait for me there.”

“Thanks.”


	4. Chapter 4

Jason put his phone down at looked over at Horatio. “I’m impressed he got here this fast,” he said. “Will you stay with Spencer while I’m gone? I’m going to make Aaron tell me the truth, even if it ends our friendship.”

“Of course I will,” Horatio said. He kicked off his shoes and moved towards the bed. “Be careful out there, Jason. Agent Hotchner has a temper, and he feels like he’s the one that’s been wronged.”

“I know.” Jason kissed his partner softly. “I’ll be back when I’m back. Keep Spencer in the house no matter what, Horatio. He doesn’t need to see Aaron right now.”

“You’re right enough about that,” Horatio said. He slid carefully onto the bed and smiled when Reid moved over to curl up next to him. “See you when you’re home again.”

Gideon found his shoes by the front door and put them on, along with a light jacket, before heading out towards the park. He enjoyed walking in the neighborhood, it was always quiet no matter the time of day, and he could always hear the ocean in the background. Jason knew that was one of the reasons Horatio built where he did, to be close to the water. His lover was deeply in love with the ocean and would lose time sitting out on the beach behind their house just listening to the waves as they struck the shore.

He punched the code in at the fence and made his way into the park. It wasn’t hard to spot Hotch off to the right at one of the tables. Jason sighed and headed in that direction. “Aaron,” he said, when he was close enough, “what’s wrong? What’s happened?”

“Please tell me the truth, Jason. Is Spencer at your house?” Hotch asked.

“Yes, he is, but you will not be allowed to see him or speak with him,” Jason replied softly. “I don’t recall the last time I have seen one so broken, Aaron, and I will not allow him to come to further harm at your hands.”

“What did he tell you?” Hotch asked.

“He told me that you have kicked him out of the house he helped buy and build into a home with you,” Jason said. “He also told me that there is now a woman in your life, one that you decided would be a better companion than the one that loves you beyond all reason.”

Hotch sighed and looked down at his hands. “Her name is Beth,” he said. “I haven’t told her that I’m not going to be able to make it to dinner tonight.”

“That, I believe, is the least of your worries right now, Aaron,” Jason said. “You held the heart of one that was totally dedicated to you. One that was, and is very like still, willing to do whatever he has to to make you happy, even if it makes him feel scared or sick. I do not know if you still hold his heart or not, he’s too broken to tell me much right now.”

“He’s safe though,” Hotch said. “He’s here and with you already.”

“Horatio brought him home not half an hour before you arrived,” Jason said. “At the moment, Spencer is asleep with Horatio there to help him with nightmares. I believe that Horatio and I are going to have a long battle ahead of us to put Spencer back together again, to make him whole once more. He took so much of you into himself that I worry for how sound he truly is.”

“I never meant to hurt him,” Hotch said. “That’s the last thing I wanted to do. I just, I don’t know, Jason. I don’t know what happened.”

“What happened is that you decided that you wanted to cheat on your partner of ten years with a woman you met in the park,” Jason said, tone changing. “You decided that your happiness was the only thing that mattered and kicked a young man out of his home, showing him once again that everything he loves leaves him in the end. You have made him doubt his very place on this Earth, Aaron, and I, for one, am deeply disappointed in you.”

Hotch flinched back from the sharp tone of his old friend and looked back down at his hands, unable to hold eye-contact with Jason. “I didn’t know he had rings,” he said softly.

“It would seem that you stopped seeing him in your life long before you kicked him out,” Jason said. “Would you really have put his books out on the curb and risk them being picked up like trash, Aaron? Would you have risked the only things he had left that were precious to him?”

“No! No, I would never do that,” Hotch said, head snapping up.  
“Then where did he get the idea that you would?” Jason asked. 

“I don’t know,” Hotch protested.

Jason studied him for a long moment. “Perhaps Beth was putting pressure on you to see where it was you lived,” he finally said. “See where it is you sleep and you felt rushed to get Spencer out of the house so you would not have to explain your living situation to the woman you chose to replace your partner with. Spencer does not make things up, Aaron. Is it possible you spoke to him in the heat of the moment, threatening to do something you never would, and he took it to heart? Much as he takes everything to heart?”

“It’s possible,” Hotch said, shoulders slumping. “I haven’t really spoken to him in the last month or so.”

“If you came here to attempt to make things right, Aaron, then you can turn around and go home again,” Jason said. “Because I will not allow you to see Spencer until he is healed. If you came here seeking forgiveness, then you are looking in the wrong location. Horatio and I find infidelity one of the sins we cannot forgive, and I do not believe that Spencer would be able to forgive you, even if he were to say the words. If you came here to torment him further, then I feel fully justified turning Horatio loose on you.”

“I don’t know why I came here,” Hotch admitted. “Dave took the rings and the letter, saying that I had no right to be touching them, and he left me there in Spencer’s apartment. It’s not even fully furnished, just a chair and a table with a mattress on the floor. All his things are still in boxes stacked around the walls. I couldn’t stay there, but there was no way to track Spencer because he left his phone behind. I figured that if he wasn’t already here, he would be soon.”

“It seems to me that you are trying to live two lives, Aaron, and I will not enable you to do that any longer,” Jason said. “You made your choice, and even if you find you chose wrong, as I believe you will, you cannot go back to the way it was. You can blame anything you want to, but you will always be falsely casting the blame because it lays fully on your shoulders. I do not know this woman that you have chosen over Spencer, but I can tell you that the relationship will last no more than a year, if not less because of your work. It doesn’t matter how special she is, she will eventually come to resent your work.”

“Yesterday it all seemed so clear, Jason,” Hotch said. “Today, I don’t know which way is up. What do I do?”

“The first thing you are going to do is stop acting like a victim in all of this,” Jason snapped. “You are not the victim, you are the perpetrator, the one that caused all the problems and heart-break through his actions, and you do not deserve any sympathy from anyone. Least of all Spencer. You have torn his life to ribbons and that is something I do not know if I will ever be able to forgive, Aaron.”

Hotch flinched, but didn’t say anything. Jason shook his head. “What really brought you down here, Aaron?” he asked. “You already kicked Spencer out of your life. Why suddenly turn up where he ran to?”

“I don’t want Dave to be able to get to him,” Hotch said.

“And why would Dave Rossi have any interest in Spencer? He knows full well that the two of you were together.”

“Something he said before he left me in Spencer’s apartment,” Hotch said. “He said he was going to find Spencer and convince him not to retire, and might show him that he’s worthy of love.”

Jason studied the man across from him for a long moment. “I have never known David to show any interest in men before,” he finally said. “That’s not to say that I might have missed something, or maybe he’s only recently found that truth about himself, but I suspect he was speaking to get you to think twice about your actions. However, should he show up here and should Spencer ask to see him, I will not say no.”

“Why not?”

“Aaron, you went out of your way to hurt the young man you said you loved,” Jason said. “This puts me in mind of nine years ago when you were using Spencer to your own ends and he was so desperate not to lose you that he was willing to agree to anything as long as it meant he would be able to remain with you. I don’t know if you’re just blind to Spencer, but it seems to me that you have hurt him more times than you have shown how much you love him. He told me that he’d cooked you dinner for your tenth anniversary, had a movie you’d been wanting to watch rented and waiting for you that night, and was going to ask you to marry him once you’d had a chance to relax. Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t anniversaries supposed to be about both people?”

“Of course they are,” Hotch said.

“Then what part of the night was for Spencer?” Jason asked. “Your favorite dinner. A movie you wanted to watch. Where in all of this was something special for Spencer?”

“Nothing,” Hotch said. “I didn’t even realize it was our anniversary when I came home that night. I didn’t realize it until I read the letter Spencer wrote me before he left.”

“Where is the letter now?”

“Dave has it,” Hotch said.

“Did you read it or did Dave?”

“He read it to me,” Hotch said. “I’ve never seen him so mad before, Jason. I didn’t realize how much he liked Spencer until that moment.”

“It seems to me there’s a lot about Spencer that you still don’t know after ten years together,” Jason said. “I wonder if you truly saw the one sharing your life, or if you saw an ideal that it was impossible for him to live up to and that’s one reason you broke his heart like this. I don’t know what it is you’re looking for, Aaron, but as long as you search for it amongst the human race, you will be disappointed because humans are, alas, only human. I suggest you go home and think very hard about the past ten years, what you’ve done, what you’ve failed to do, and to be very honest with that woman you’ve chosen to spend time with.”

“Then what?”

“I do not know, but Spencer has asked to stay here with us for a while,” Jason said. “I’ll be certain that he’s safe, even if it won’t be easy. I don’t know how to show him that he’s worthy of love when no one else in his life has ever shown him the same. This might truly be impossible, but I will try my best.”

“Will you let me know how he’s doing?” Hotch asked.

“No, I will not, and I will make certain no one else does,” Jason said. “You have lost any right to know anything about Spencer when you shattered his heart. Go home, Aaron, and give Spencer the right to grieve in peace.”


	5. Chapter 5

When Dave finally got back to Quantico, he detoured to his office to put Spencer’s things in a desk drawer and then went to see Garcia in her world. “Hey, I need a favor,” he said, shutting the door behind himself. “Off the record and silent.”

“What’s wrong?” Garcia asked, picking up on his mood.

“Spencer is gone and I need to find him,” Dave said. “ Hotch doesn’t know and doesn’t care where he is, so please don’t suggest that I just ask him.”

“Have you called Gideon?”

“No. Why?”

“Gideon consults with us on cases that we have to turn away because of how busy we already are,” Garcia said. “When he left the BAU nine years ago, he moved down to Miami and is working from home there. I know that he and Spencer have stayed in touch. I’d give him a call and see what he knows.”

Dave sighed. “Jason Gideon and I haven’t always been on the best of terms,” he admitted. “Do you really think he’s the only one that will know where Spencer is?”

“Honey, I think that if Spencer was hurt or sick or running, he’d go right to Gideon,” Garcia said. “You never had the chance to see them together. I think I’m right when I say that Jason Gideon is a second father for Spencer Reid.” She turned back to her computer and scribbled a note on a piece of paper. “Here’s Gideon’s cell number. Give him a call and see what he’s got to say. Then let me know if you still need me to be running trace on our good doctor or if I just need to figure out a way to hide a body.”

“I’ll do that,” Dave said. “Although, you might not have a chance at the one that hurt him so badly, Garcia. If I have to, I’ll take care of it myself and then retire again.”

“Rossi, what happened?”

“His heart is broken,” Rossi said. “He lost his home and his partner at the same time and he’s run. I don’t think I can blame him.”

Garcia blinked a couple of times. “Does Morgan know?” she asked softly.

“Not yet, and please don’t tell him. I really don’t want to have to clean up blood if I don’t have to,” Rossi said. “I’ll figure out something to tell him. Spencer would have been clever and I doubt there’s a money trail for you to track.”

“He’s too clever by half sometimes,” Garcia sighed. “Is there anything you do need me to check on?”

“I’ll let you know. Thanks for the tip,” Dave said. He shut the door quietly and headed back towards his office. He didn’t know how, but he didn’t bump into anyone else on the team, which was good because it meant that he didn’t have to make up a lie. With a small sigh, he sat down at his desk and dialed the number Garcia gave him.

“Hello?” a strange voice asked.

“May I speak to Jason Gideon please?”

“He’s out at the moment. Can I take a message?”

“My name is David Rossi and I work for the….”

“The BAU,” the voice said. “Jason has spoken of you, Agent Rossi. My name is Lieutenant Horatio Caine. Can I assume you are calling because of Dr. Reid?”

Dave shook off the thought of Jason Gideon talking about him for any reason and focused on Spencer’s name. “Do you know where he is?” he asked.

“At the moment, he’s in the shower attempting to wake up,” Horatio said. “Agent Hotchner is here and Jason is out speaking with him.”

“Spencer is safe?”

“Very,” Horatio said. “He came straight to us, Agent Rossi. I’m not sure of all the details, but I do know what happened, and I take a very dim view of anyone hurting members of my family.”

“Your family?”

There was an obvious smile in Horatio’s voice. “I have a habit of informally adopting people that need help. Jason does the same, even if he would deny it, and Spencer is part of Jason’s family. Thus he is part of my family, and I do take a very dim view of anyone hurting my family. So now I have to ask, why are you calling about Dr. Reid?”

“I was scared to death he was going to run and then kill himself and we’d never be able to find him,” Rossi admitted. “I didn’t know how to track him down to let him know that he’s not alone, no matter how dark it looks right now.”

There was muttering on the other end of the phone and then Reid came on the line. “Rossi?”

“Reid. I won’t ask if you’re okay, but are you safe?”

“Yeah, I’m with Gideon and his partner,” Spencer said. “How did you find out?”

“I went with Hotch to your apartment when you didn’t show for work this morning,” Rossi said. “Reid, you don’t need to retire because of this. I know your heart is broken, hell, it’s shattered into billions of pieces, but there are still ways you could work for the team without having to interact with Hotch.”

Reid snorted. “Yeah, or I could work with Gideon and never have to go north again,” he said. “What is there up there for me?”

“A team that loves you as family,” Rossi said. “A team that will miss you ever moment you are gone because of who you are, not what you can do for us. Because you are a part of us, Spencer, and you’re an important person to all of us.”

“Not all of you,” Reid said.

“Hotch is one of the bigger idiots I think I’ve ever run into,” Rossi said. “I’m not excusing his actions, Spencer. He had absolutely no right to do anything he did to you, and I wish you’d spoken up to Morgan or me to let us know you needed help. We would have been there for you.”

“I couldn’t let on that Hotch and I were anything other than coworkers, no matter what,” Reid said. “He would have killed me if I’d done that. I’m still not sure why you called.”

“Because I was worried about you, scared for you, and wanted to be certain you were somewhere safe,” Rossi said. “Can I keep in touch with you during this time, Spencer? I’d like to be certain that you’re healing from this very traumatic time.”

Reid sighed. “Yeah, I guess,” he said. “Lieutenant Caine needs me, so I have to go. What are you going to tell the team?”

“That you’ve taken a holiday to think some things over and you’ll be in touch when you can,” Rossi said. “I don’t know what, if anything, Hotch will tell them though.”

“I don’t care what he tells them,” Reid said. “I’ve taken leave from the team. I don’t know if I’m coming back or not.”

“Just keep in touch,” Rossi said. “You are what matters here, Spencer. Nothing else but you and your feelings. I’ll call you in a day or two and see how you’re holding up, okay?”

“Okay. Talk to you later, Rossi.”

Dave put the phone down and leaned back in his chair with a sigh. He’d never known Spencer Reid to not talk a mile a minute about everything under the sun, and he’d never heard the dead and defeated tone before. If there was any doubt in his mind that Hotch destroyed Reid by kicking him out of their home, it was gone after a single phone call. Rossi didn’t know why Hotch would have gone south, but he would have a few things to say about it once the man was home again.


	6. Chapter 6

Gideon used the walk from the park back to the house as a time to cool down. He had a temper, but it was rare it showed up. He had to be extremely emotional for it to happen, and it had in the park. Jason was ready to beat Hotch to a pulp for what he’d done to one of the most sensitive, special men Jason ever knew. He paused on the doorstep for a deep breath and then stepped into the house he shared with Horatio. “I’m home.”

“Kitchen,” Horatio called in reply.

“Are you cooking?” Jason asked, heading towards his lover’s voice. 

“Of course I am,” Horatio said, looking up with a smile as Jason entered the kitchen. “David Rossi called looking for Spencer while you were out.”

“What did he want?”

“He was worried about where Spencer was,” Horatio said. He turned to take a pot out of the oven. “I let them talk and then Spencer seemed lost. I told him to go sit out on the deck and just listen to the waves for a bit until you were back. He’s nervous around me and doesn’t seem to want to talk.”

“I’m not surprised by that,” Jason said. “I’ll go out and talk with him for a bit. What in the world are you cooking anyway?”

“It will be mac and cheese when I’m done with it,” Horatio said. “Your favorite version.”

Jason grinned and leaned over to kiss Horatio. “Sounds wonderful. Why don’t we eat outside? I think your idea about the waves is a good one. They’re soothing.”

“I’ll start bringing things out when it’s ready,” Horatio said. “Call me if you need me for something, okay?”

“I will.” Gideon grabbed the unfinished sodas out of the fridge and went out to the deck. There was a wonderful view of the water from the deck, with a stretch of beach before reaching the water. Spencer was curled up in one of the lounge chairs staring out at the water. Jason walked over and sat down in the chair next to him. “Spencer, did you sleep at all?”

“A little. Not much. I’m so tired, but I’m scared to sleep in a way I haven’t been in years,” Spencer said. He made an attempt at a smile when handed his pop. “Thank you. Horatio suggested I come out here and try not to think, but I can’t not think. How do people do that?”

“Not everyone can, and it can take years of practice to completely quiet the mind to the point where there is not even a stray thought or a faint internal voice echoing in there,” Gideon said. “In your case, Spencer, I would imagine you have a lot of questions, doubts, and images that are crowding for your attention, and your mind is a riot of noise and colors right now. Am I right?”

Reid nodded. “Yeah. What did I do wrong this time, Jason?” he asked. 

“Nothing,” Jason said immediately. “You did nothing wrong. You have been the perfect partner to Hotch since the two of you first started dating. If anything, you may have been a little too accommodating at the beginning, but you’ve learned to be careful what you say and what you agree to.”

“I had to. He scared me so badly when he shut down after asking me about tying me up,” Reid said. “That contract was one of the best ideas you ever had, Jason. It helped us both so much to settle into our relationship with clearer boundaries than anything I could have hoped for. What did he want?”

Jason sighed. “I don’t know. I don’t. He doesn’t know what he wants himself, so he is unable to verbalize it to anyone else right now,” he said. “Hotch asked if I would let him know how you’re doing.”

“What did you tell him?”

“The truth. He lost any right to that information when he kicked you from your home,” Jason said. “Should you wish to rebuild your life with him, Spencer, then that is your business, but right now he has no right to know anything about you.”

“Thank you,” Reid said. “I should have known that he’d figure out where I would run to, even if I didn’t think he cared enough to come down here and actually attempt to see me.”

“I believe there is guilt at war inside him, Spencer,” Jason said. “At war with what, I cannot say, but I believe your letter spoke to him on some level. Horatio said that Dave Rossi called. Can I ask what he wanted?”

Reid took a drink of his Pepsi and shrugged. “He wanted to be sure I was okay,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting that phone call because, while Rossi has grown to like and appreciate me as a member of the team, I wouldn’t consider him a friend on any level. He and Aaron butt heads too frequently for Rossi to have been around in a more social setting.”

Gideon grinned. “Then you’ve never heard the stories about myself and Rossi on the team together,” he said. “Our fights were legend in the Bureau for years, Spencer. I have never hidden the fact that I do not like the man, but he is good at what he does. Perhaps too good. I caught him using his profiling skills to get dates within the Bureau, though he denied it.”

“Did he hurt anyone?” Reid asked.

“No. No, he never once used his skills or intuition to hurt another,” Jason replied. “At the base, Rossi is a good man. He’s just very used to getting exactly what it is he wants.”

“I can see that,” Reid said. “He told me that I’m what matters right now. I’ve never had him sound so concerned about me before. Not even after I was shot. You don’t think he’s going to try something with me, is he?”

“How does that thought make you feel?”

“Scared. Not because it’s Rossi. Like you, I know he’s a good person that wouldn’t hurt another, but I’m scared, Jason,” Reid said. “First my father, then my mom; even though I know she couldn’t help leaving me like she did. Then you, even if we have stayed in touch, it’s been hard not having you there every day. Now Aaron. Am I poison, Jason? Is that why everyone leaves me?”

Jason moved over to the other chair and pulled Reid into a tight hug. “You are not poison, Spencer, and I never want to hear you say something like that again,” he said. “Your father was a coward that ran rather than take responsibility for his child. His amazing child that needed him to be there as his mother descended into illness that mirrors madness at its worst. I knew that leaving as I did would hurt you, but I had to distance myself from you and Aaron to allow you to find yourselves as lovers while attempting to break an addiction I had formed to watching you both sexually. I tried to call you ever night, Spencer, because I wanted you to know that you are not alone and that I think of you every minute of every day.”

“I know,” Reid said, tucking his head under Gideon’s chin as his tears started falling. “I know, and I shouldn’t blame you unfairly for leaving like you did. I could see how sick you had become, how little you were sleeping because of us. I threatened Hotch to be certain that he would leave you alone as well. Did you know that?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“I told him that if he tried to get you to come back to the team that he would be sleeping on the couch because I would have no part of your destruction,” Reid admitted. “I know that he found the truth on his own, but I was serious. I was not going to risk you unfairly when you were so happy down here with Horatio.”

“You hide the heart of a tiger, Spencer,” Jason said. “For the last one, Hotch is being selfish and thinking only of himself and his own desires. You regressed a little before you were forced to leave, didn’t you.”

Reid nodded. “I could tell there was something wrong, something on his mind, and I wanted to know that he still saw me,” he said. “That he still saw me as his lover of so many years. We went through so much together, I honestly thought that we would be together for the rest of our lives, and I don’t know how he didn’t.”

“There is no excuse for what he did to you, Spencer,” Gideon said. “I know it’s hard, especially right now, for you to remember that, but I need you to make an effort to. You did nothing wrong and do not deserve what Aaron has done to you.”

“Can I move down here?” Reid asked. “I can’t stay up there, Jason. I can’t work on the team with him. To see him happy, it should make me happy, but it makes me sick.”

“Of course you can come down here,” Horatio said from behind them. “Spencer, listen to me for a minute, okay? I know that you’re not as comfortable with me, but making sure that you are safe and have someone you trust to help you through this is the only thing I care about. If that means having you here, with us, then you are welcome for as long as you want to stay.”

“Thank you,” Spencer said, looking up at Horatio. “I know you don’t have a lot of space for a third person.”  
Horatio smiled. “You haven’t seen the whole house, Spencer,” he said. “There’s a second floor that Jason and I have turned into a guest apartment that he currently uses as an office, but that’s one room out of five. You can move into the apartment when you’re feeling a little more secure, okay?”

“Thank you,” Jason mouthed to Horatio over Reid’s head. He looked down at the young man curled up in his lap. “Spencer, do you think you can eat something? Horatio’s made lunch.”

“I can try,” Reid said.

“That’s all we ask,” Jason said. “Come on, it looks like he has the table set up. We can talk about how we’re going to get your things down here.”

“That’s easy, Jason,” Horatio said, looking back at his lover. “Eric and I will go up and get them for Spencer. That way, the only thing you need to worry about is what you want to tell the Bureau.”

“Spencer?”

Reid nodded. “Thank you, Horatio. I don’t know what I’m doing right now. That’ll be fine.”

“You focus on finding yourself within your heart and leave the rest of it to Jason and me,” Horatio said with a small smile.

Gideon shook his head, but didn’t say anything. He recognized that smile. His lover was hoping that he would run into Hotch while he was up in Quantico. He didn’t know what the outcome of that one would be, but he had a feeling that Horatio would be the one to come out on top. The red head was even more protective of loved ones than Jason was, and that said something.


	7. Chapter 7

When Aaron arrived back in Quantico, he went home just long enough to shower and change into a clean suit. He stopped in the doorway to Reid’s office and just looked for a long moment, thinking how empty the room looked without the huge collection of books lining the shelves they’d build specifically for those books. With a small sigh, he shut the door and headed out to his car to go to work.

He still wasn’t sure what he’d hoped to accomplish by going to Miami. He’d known, at the basic level, that he wouldn’t be allowed to see Spencer no matter what. Jason Gideon had a protective streak that rivaled a mother bear with her cubs, and much of that protection was given over to Spencer Reid. It was possible that he’d held out hope that maybe Spencer would be somewhere he’d be able to at least get a glimpse of him.

The lack of a phone call from Beth was a surprise. Hotch had missed dinner without any warning, but she hadn’t even called and left a message. He’d cautioned her that his work was unpredictable, so it was possible she thought he just hadn’t had a chance to call, and didn’t want to interrupt him if he was working. He’d have to call her later in the day and tell her something. Hotch didn’t know what, but something.

He parked in his usual spot and went into the Bureau, convinced he would be the first member of his team to arrive. The quiet would be good, it would let him get some of his paperwork caught up.

“Wondered if you were going to show up today or not.”

“Damn it, Dave, what the hell are you doing in my office sitting in the dark?” Hotch demanded, taking his hand away from his gun. “Do you have a death wish or something?”

“I didn’t want to give you a chance to lock yourself in here,” Rossi said from behind Hotch’s desk. “I have a feeling that you’re trying to paint yourself as the victim here, Hotch, and I’m not going to let you do that.”

“Get out of my chair,” Hotch said.

Rossi snorted, but moved to the corner of the desk, perching there. “I think we should treat this like a case,” he continued. “Until you are able to understand that you don’t get to act like a spoiled brat that can have whatever he wants no matter how it hurts the people around him.”

“You have the market cornered on acting like a spoiled brat,” Hotch said. “So you’ll excuse me if I don’t listen to you.”

“I’m wondering if you’ve ever seen anyone on the team, Aaron,” Rossi said. “Truly seen them, not just the image you have of them in your head. Yeah, I screwed up royally in my life. I’m not proud of some of the decisions I’ve made, but I’ve also come to terms with them, so they don’t rule my life, and idiots throwing them in my face in an attempt to deflect my attention away from them doesn’t work. Should we start with the sexual contract that you were so desperate I not see?”

“It’s not that sort of contract,” Hotch said.

“So it’s not details of when you can tie Spencer to the bed and beat him, what his safe word and comfort zones are?” Rossi said. “That’s the type of contract I’m the most familiar with.”

Hotch rubbed his face with a sigh. “It’s a boundary contract,” he said. “Spencer needed firm boundaries put in place that neither of us would ever cross. It was Jason’s idea, and it was a good one. Spencer didn’t know how to tell me no.”  
“So you drew up a contract that would allow him to say no to you,” Rossi said. “That’s not anything embarrassing. No more than knowing that the two of you let Jason watch you sexually. Is that why he’s no longer with the Bureau?”

“Jason reconnected with an old lover while we were on a case in Miami and chose to stay with him,” Hotch said. “His reasoning is something you’ll have to ask him about.”

“So the answer is yes,” Rossi said. He ignored the glare Hotch sent in his direction. “So we fast-forward through the years of you and Reid hiding your relationship from everyone, including the team, and then one day you wake up and decide you want to cheat on him. You meet a woman in the park and you kick the partner that would do anything for you out of his home and your life. Reid runs to save himself and suddenly you’re the victim in the whole thing. I’m not sure which part makes me feel sicker.”

“I’m not acting like the victim, and I don’t know why everyone seems to think I am,” Hotch snapped.

Rossi groaned. “God, I’m agreeing with Gideon. The world might end next,” he said. “Do you want me to spell it out any clearer for you, Hotch? You are the one cheating. You are the one that broke Reid’s heart and spirit. You are the one that kicked him out. You are the one that drove him away. You have no right to act like the one that was broken up with. All of this is on you. Why did you go to Miami anyway?”

“How do you know where I was?”

“I called Spencer,” Rossi said. “Well, okay, I called Gideon and got Spencer. I’d thought the young man looked sick, but I was wrong. It’s not sick. It’s dead inside, and I don’t know that anything will be able to bring life back to him.”

“I don’t know why I went to Miami,” Hotch said. “I guess I wanted to see Spencer, even if I know I wouldn’t be allowed to.”

“That might be the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard, and believe me, I’ve heard some truly pathetic things in my life,” Dave said. “Some of them have even come out of my own mouth, and that’s saying something. It took Spencer running away from everything he loves, everything familiar to him for you to notice him again. He’s been here for the past month, looking sicker every day and you ignored him, even when we were working on a case. I’m not the only one that noticed that part, Aaron, but I might be the only one that would call you on it.”

“Now I don’t know what you’re talking about. I never let my personal feelings get in the way of my work,” Hotch said.

“Have we been watching the same team for the past month?” Rossi asked. “Twice you bumped into him when you both were getting coffee and you just kept walking, not caring that he spilled his coffee all over himself. Three times he asked you a question about a profile and you ignored him. After the third time, he stopped looking up at your office, something he used to do roughly five times a day, if not more. Frankly, I’m surprised the team didn’t work out what was going on before this all started up. Reid’s been coming to me for questions on his profiles, and that’s something he never has done before. I’ll be honest with you, Aaron, I don’t think you could have hurt him more if you tried.”

“I didn’t want to hurt him.”

“Whether you wanted to or not is beside the point,” Dave said. “The fact of the whole mess is that not only did you hurt him, you destroyed him. And for what? A woman you met in a park that smiled at you. I’ve known men that have murdered for less.”

“I wonder about your friends.”

“Who said they were friends? They were unsubs and I helped put them in prison for what they did,” Dave said. “You can’t fix this, Aaron. I don’t know why you think that calling things off with Beth will make any difference to Spencer. I think if it were possible, he would have deleted everything about you from his mind, but he can’t. So now, not only does he had the burden of remembering every detail from every case he has ever worked, every victim we have been unable to save, now he has to remember every word you said to him when you kicked him out of his home and drove him away from his family.” He hopped off the desk and leaned in, pinning Hotch in his chair. “You broke the man you claim to love, Aaron, and that is something I am never going to be able to forgive or forget. The only reason I haven’t taken leave yet is I’m not done driving it home what a bastard you are yet.”

“Why would you take leave?”

“I think that Jason would let me see Spencer,” Rossi said, pushing back. “I don’t know that I would be able to put him back together, but maybe I could show him that he’s worthy of love.”

“I told you before, Dave, stay away from Reid.”

“Why do you care? You’ve got Beth, and I’m certainly not going to hurt him,” Rossi said, heading for the door. “You just go and set up house with the bitch you met in the park and have whatever twisted fantasy life you think you should have with her. While you’re doing that, I’m going to either be watching your every move to make damn sure you haven’t slipped into unsub territory or working to help prove to Spencer Reid that everything he loves doesn’t leave him in the end. I’m not sure which is going to be harder, but I’ll manage both somehow. Just remember that, Aaron. I’m always going to be watching you.”


	8. Chapter 8

After they finished lunch, Horatio cleaned up the kitchen and then headed back to the lab for the afternoon. As much as he wanted to stay at home with his lover and the young man they’d welcomed into their home, he had a case that needed his attention. Horatio parked and went right to the print lab, where he knew his best friend would be working. “Eric.”

“Hey H, I was getting worried,” Eric Delko said, looking up from his computer. “It’s not like you to just vanish without telling someone where you’re going to be, even if it’s me and you’re vanishing home for an hour.”

“I’m sorry, Eric, I should have called and let you know I was taking a long lunch,” Horatio said. He pulled the extra chair over and sat down. “Spencer Reid showed up just as I was coming in from my interview and needed my help. It would seem that his partner of ten years decided he wanted out of their relationship.”

Eric glanced over. “Agent Hotchner, right?” he asked.

“That’s him, and he broke up with Spencer on their ten year anniversary, threatened to put all of Spencer’s things on the street, and kicked him out of their home,” Horatio said. “Knowing full well that Spencer has abandonment issues from his past.”

“So is killing Agent Hotchner on the agenda?” Eric asked, leaning back in his chair. “Or are we just going to make him wish he was dead?”

Horatio grinned. “I think, Eric, that you and I are going to be the ones going up to Quantico to collect Spencer’s things for him,” he said. “I’ll make sure that we have at least one meeting with Agent Hotchner while we’re there. How does that sound?”

“Works for me,” Eric said with a matching grin. “What else can I do to help out? I know I don’t really know Spencer, but you guys have talked about him enough that it seems like I do.”

“Spencer is completely broken, Eric,” Horatio said. “I don’t think he’s blaming himself for anything, but I also know him well enough to know that he internalizes more than he talks about, so it’s possible that he’s also carrying around blame for losing his partner like he did.”

Eric nodded. “So he’ll need friends more than anything else,” he said. “What about his team? Do they know what’s happened?”

“One of them does, a David Rossi,” Horatio said. “Jason’s told me about him, but I’ve never had the pleasure of meeting him. Although I think that will change before too much longer, given the phone call we received earlier today.”

“Agent Rossi called to find out how Spencer is doing, didn’t he?”

“He did, and I could tell that there was genuine concern in his tone when I spoke with him,” Horatio said. “The others on the team will figure things out soon enough, but I think that Derek Morgan is the only one we have to anticipate coming down here to talk to Spencer. Other than Agent Hotchner, but he already did that.”

“You’re kidding. What for?”

“He wasn’t even sure, but we didn’t let him see Spencer,” Horatio said. “Jason is the one that talked with him, and Jason came home with anger in his eyes, Eric. He’s managing to hide it, but he’s furious at Agent Hotchner.”

“Jason’s always thought of Spencer as a second son, hasn’t he?”

“Not always, no, but that’s for them to share,” Horatio said. “That’s the relationship they’ve fallen back into though. Other than be there for support, I don’t think there’s much else we’ll be able to do. Spencer doesn’t let people close to him easily.”

Eric nodded. “That’s not a surprise, especially if he’s been abandoned in the past.”

“I know of three times prior to Agent Hotchner kicking him out,” Horatio said. “One of those is Jason. Spencer knows, on many levels, that Jason had to leave when he did, but we found out there’s still some residual pain there that neither of us were aware of.”

“Sounds like the kid has taken too many hits and needs a chance to hide from the world,” Eric said. “You guys going to let him live upstairs?”

“Once he’s less inclined to nightmares, yeah,” Horatio said. “I don’t think he’s ever going to go north again, Eric. I could be wrong about that, but I really think that he’s going to try to stay here with Jason and me.”

“That’s not a bad thing. When do you want to go up to get his things?”

“I was thinking about leaving in the morning, if we have enough evidence in our case to turn it over to Frank,” Horatio said. “If not, we’ll go as soon as the case is clear.”

Eric grinned. “I managed to find three sets of prints on the safe that don’t belong,” he said. “And turned up one match in the system. I think that Frank could question this guy as well as we could, and we can head north in the morning. Are we driving or flying?”

“We’ll fly up and drive back with the rental truck,” Horatio said. “That way Spencer doesn’t have to worry about strangers touching his things.”

“Works for me,” Eric said. “Anything special you need me to bring north with me?”

“Nothing that comes to mind, no,” Horatio said with a smile. “Eric, thank you for this. There’s no one else I would trust to help me do this.”

“Hey, your family is my family, and that’s how it’s always going to be,” Eric said. “Although, as an extra protection, we might mention to Calleigh that Jason needs help watching over someone precious while we’re gone.”

Horatio chuckled and shook his head. “That’s a good idea, Eric, I’ll do that,” he said. “I just hope that she’s not too much for Spencer to handle right now.”

“You know Cal,” Eric said. “She’ll sit quietly unless someone shows up and threatens Jason or Spencer. I think that she’d be the best one to help us out on this.”

“I’ll take the evidence over to Frank if you’ll talk to Calleigh about standing guard until we’re back in Miami,” Horatio said. “Then see about plane tickets for us, please.”

“Yeah, will do, H.”


	9. Chapter 9

Rossi made it through the rest of the day without talking with Hotch again, but keeping an eye on the other man. He was positive the team noticed something, but no one was asking any questions. Yes, anyway. Rossi was positive that wouldn’t last much longer, especially given how protective Morgan was whenever Reid even looked sad.

He went home, made himself some dinner, and carried it along with his phone out to the back deck. The phone call wasn’t going to get any easier, no matter how long he put it off. With a small sigh, Rossi dialed.

“Hello?”

“Jason, it’s Dave Rossi,” he said.

“David,” Gideon said. “Horatio and Spencer told me you called earlier today. What can I do for you?”

“How’s Reid?”

“Before we move forward with this conversation, let me ask you a question, please,” Jason said. “What is your interest in Spencer?”

Rossi bit back a sigh. The team had told him, at different times, how protective Jason Gideon was of the young profiler. Rossi always thought it meant keeping an eye on the kid whenever they were in the field because of the horrors they saw every day, but he was starting to think he’d been totally wrong. “I’m worried about him.”

“That’s not enough of an answer,” Jason said. “I need to know if you’re interested in Spencer for who he is, or if you’re only pretending this interest to make Aaron see what a damn fool he’s being.”

“I’d never hurt Reid like that,” Rossi said. “He might not have realized it, because I haven’t gone out of my way to show it, but I like him. I’ve seen what the walking dead look like, Jason. We both have, and I’ve been seeing a bit of that look in Reid’s eyes. I want to be sure he’s going to be okay.”

“You and I both know that’s not possible,” Jason said. He sighed. “Spencer is here. He came to the one place he knew he would be safe, but it is unfortunately the one place everyone knows to find him. He is relying on me to keep him safe while he attempts to heal.”

“If I came down to see him, would you let me?”

“If Spencer agreed, yes, I would,” Jason said. “But you would have to remember that Horatio and I would both be watching you, and if Horatio doesn’t like something he sees, well, he’s even more protective of his family than I am.”

“Jason, can I ask how you know Horatio?” Dave asked. “I mean, I’ve never heard the name before.”

Gideon smiled. “I don’t tell those on my team everything, David. You should remember that,” he said. “There are many things I kept to myself back then because of who I worked with. However, I have tried many times to convince Horatio to apply for the BAU. The man sees everything.”

“Seeing everything isn’t all of it,” Rossi pointed out. 

“Well, you’re right,” Jason said. “Hold your opinion until after you meet him for the first time. I believe you’ll be in for a bit of a surprise.”

“I don’t suppose I could talk to Reid, could I?”

“Not tonight. He and Horatio are out on the beach talking about something that, based on the set of their shoulders, is important,” Jason said. “However, I will let him know you’ve called again and, if he would like, he can call you in the morning.”

“Fair enough. I talked with Aaron this morning, Jason, and told him a few things that I thought he needed to know,” Dave said. “The man is one sentence away from me punching him.”

“Physical violence is not the answer we need to seek,” Jason pointed out. “In fact, if we do, it is possible that we could make the situation worse than ever.”

Rossi snorted. “You’re starting to remind me why we never agreed on anything in our time on the same team, Jason,” he said. “There are times when a solid punch is the best thing you can do for the brain. It jars it back on course.”

“If you arrive in Miami with that attitude in tact, I will not allow you to see Spencer, no matter how you should beg,” Jason said. “The last thing he needs around him right now is any sort of violence or violent thoughts. As much as I wanted to smack Aaron while he was in Miami, I restrained myself because I know that it is not the answer.”

“How do you know that?”

“Simple. How is Aaron acting right now? Is he normal, upset, or is he trying to show that he’s the one that has been wronged?”

“He’s acting like the victim and it’s pissing me off.”

“And should you punch him, what would happen then?” Jason asked. “Would you make him see your point of view or would you turn him into the very victim that he is trying to become as we are speaking?”

“Now I’m remembering why the hell I hated working with you,” Rossi grumbled. “Because you’re always right and you’re insufferable when you start talking like Yoda.”

Jason couldn’t help but laugh. “I am far from that level of wisdom,” he said. “I just think that’s it’s important that we remember where the focus for our attention and concern needs to be right now. Aaron is a secondary concern when Spencer is so broken.”

“Yeah, you’re right, as much as it pains me to admit that,” Rossi grumbled. “Is there anything I can do for him up here?”

“Horatio and a friend of his will be coming up to pack Spencer’s belongings to bring them down here,” Jason said. “Beyond that, I believe we have everything well in hand. Should Aaron vanish from work without a word to you, allow him to go. Horatio has a few things he’d like to say and I believe allowing them to talk will be the best thing.”

“Now you sound amused, Jason. Is there something I should know?”

“Aaron hates Horatio, and Horatio is well aware of this fact,” Jason said. “He likes to bait Aaron until Aaron loses his temper and storms off. Even if Aaron doesn’t acknowledge what Horatio says to him, he will hear it, and maybe he’ll remember it at some point down the line.”

“Do you think that Reid is ever going to be able to forgive Hotch?”

“No,” Jason said. “No, I don’t, because Aaron did the one thing he promised Spencer never to do. He left. That, more than anything, is Spencer’s greatest fear, and Aaron took full advantage of that. Spencer is not the only one that will never be able to forgive Aaron.”

Rossi nodded to himself. “Yeah, I think I know what you mean there, Jason,” he said. “I’ll call back tomorrow. I’m serious about wanting to help the kid, even if it’s just to remember that he has friends that care for him.”

“I’ll let him know. Good-night, David.”

Rossi put his phone down and turned his attention to his dinner. The whole conversation just reminded him why he didn’t get long with Jason Gideon. The man was one of the keener observers of human nature, and he was never afraid to use that to his advantage.


	10. Chapter 10

“Can I ask what you and Spencer were talking about for so long out there tonight, Horatio?” Jason asked when they were in their bedroom that night. Jason was planning to go out and stay with Spencer, hoping to help with nightmares, but he was curious.

“I told him about my father and how that ended,” Horatio said. “The fear I lived with every day from the time I was old enough to realize that he was hurting me until the day I killed him. I told him about losing my mother that day as well, and the people that tried to have me placed in prison for what I’d done.”

Jason pulled his lover into a hug. “Trying to show him that those with poor or non-existent childhoods can grow up to be the most remarkable of people,” he said. “That’s something he always has needed to be reminded of.”

“I left out the details. He’s hurting enough, and I don’t want to be the one to put another blood-soaked body into his mind for the rest of his life,” Horatio said, resting his cheek against Jason’s. “I want to help him heal, but not at the expense of his mind.”

“Thank you for that,” Jason said. “Are you okay with me sleeping with Spencer for the next few nights?”

“Of course I am,” Horatio said. “He needs you right now and, if he were more comfortable with me, I’d be in there too. Sometimes knowing both sides are protected will help sleep come.”

“I still wonder how I’m so lucky to have you,” Jason said. He kissed Horatio softly and stepped back. “What time is your flight in the morning?”

“Five. I’m not going to get too much sleep tonight, but I want to have plenty of time to pack things up and drive a little before Eric and I have to find a hotel for the night,” Horatio said. “I’ll call before we leave Quantico so you know that we’re on the road.”

“Sounds like a good plan. Thank you for doing this for him,” Jason said. “I know it’s not easy for you to be gone from the lab without more notice.”

“Cal was happy to take over while I’m gone,” Horatio said. “She might call to see about coming over for dinner one night while I’m gone. Eric and I thought she would be a good guard to leave you both with.”

Jason started laughing. “She is at that,” he said. “Horatio, when you see Aaron, behave yourself. I know you’re mad, but he’s trying to project himself as the victim here, and I don’t want to let him succeed in that.”

“I’ve got a few choice words I want to say to Agent Hotchner and then I’ll be good,” Horatio said. “Sleep well, Jason, and I’ll see you when I’m home again. Love you.”

“Love you so much,” Jason said, moving in for one last kiss.  
*~*

Renting the truck took a little longer than Horatio expected it to, mainly because he was from out of state, but he finally managed to get everything signed and paid for. Eric just stood in the background trying not to look amused.

“Do you ever think that people are getting too suspicious?” he asked as Horatio navigated the truck out onto the street. “Do you know where we’re going?”

“Spencer gave me his address,” Horatio said, handing over his phone. “I think people are getting suspicious of the wrong type of people. They need to realize that the rich can be just as, if not more, guilty than the poor.”

“That’s the truth,” Eric said. “Hell, we practically prove that one every time we get a call out to Star Island, or one of the wealthy areas around Miami.”

“Yes we do,” Horatio said. “The world is changing, Eric, and I don’t think it’s changing for the better, no matter how hard we try to keep it moving in that direction.”

Eric nodded. “Yeah, you’re right,” he said. “Makes me worried about having kids, you know.”

“You will be a fantastic father, and you know it, deep down,” Horatio said. “Never doubt yourself, Eric, because that can and will be fatal.”

“It’s hard, H.”

“I know it is, but Eric, you don’t have long before you’ll find this out for yourself,” Horatio said. “Calleigh is going to have that baby and there’s no stopping it.”

“Every day I think I’m ready and then I realize that I’m scared to death, H.”

“I think every expectant father feels that way,” Horatio said. “Talk to Jason. He’s a father, even if he doesn’t see his son. I’m sure he has some advice he’ll be able to give you.”

“Jason talks in worse riddles than you do, Horatio,” Eric protested.

“I do not talk in riddles.” Horatio pulled the small moving truck to a stop in front of the address Reid gave him and looked over at his best friend. “Eric, take a look back down the street and tell me what you see, please?”

Eric Delko used the rearview mirror to try and see what Horatio was talking about. “I see a tan car with a man in it,” he said. “It’s the only vehicle on the street, which is unusual, especially given the time of day.”

“Yes, it is,” Horatio said, getting out of the cab. He headed towards the back to open up the truck. “I think, Eric, that we are going to have company here very soon.”

“You’re just hoping that Agent Hotchner shows up,” Eric said with a grin.

“You know what, I am,” Horatio said. “Come on, let’s go see how much we have to move. Spencer said all the boxes, plus his clothing. Everything else belongs to the apartment. He did say that there’s a lot of boxes.”

“We’ve got all day, and it’s not like we haven’t done this a lot for work anyway,” Eric said, following Horatio up the stairs. “I think that we should take turns carrying things out of here so one of us is down at the truck with Spencer’s things.”

“That’s a good idea, Eric,” Horatio said, opening the door. “I think a lot of boxes was an understatement on Spencer’s part.”

Eric followed Horatio into the apartment and looked around. “If these are all books, this is going to take longer than we thought, H,” he said. “How safe do you think this apartment is?”

“I think I’ll have Jason get in touch with one of his friends up here and see if they can arrange for an inspection of this building,” Horatio said. He put his suit jacket down on the table and turned back to the living room. “How do you want to do this?”

“I’m younger, I’ll do the carrying while you do the arranging,” Eric said.

“I’d love to argue that my back will be fine, but I don’t think I would win that argument with my back,” Horatio said. “Let’s find the suitcases Spencer said were here for his clothes and I can at least carry them downstairs while you make a start on the boxes. Eric, do not overdo on this. If we have to take two days to move Spencer, then we will. I do not want you hurt.”

“You got it, H.”


	11. Chapter 11

Hotch had one of his many informants watching the building where Reid’s apartment was for any sort of movement. He didn’t think that Spencer himself would come back up to move his things, but he wanted to know if anyone did show up. The phone call came not long after he arrived at the office and he headed out without a word to anyone, half expecting Rossi to stop him, but the older man just watched him go without saying a word. That should have raised a few red flags in Hotch’s mind, but he was too focused on finding out exactly who it was moving things out of Reid’s new apartment that he didn’t think anything of it. 

He parked down the street and bit back a groan when he caught sight of red hair behind a stack of boxes. Somehow, Hotch thought, he should have known. He got out of the car and headed towards the moving truck, trying to think of something neutral he could say to open up the conversation.

“Good morning, Agent Hotchner,” Horatio said from behind the boxes. “What can I help you with today?”

“Are you here alone?” Hotch asked.

“No, but it’s not who you think it is,” Horatio replied. “Spencer isn’t coming back, Agent, no matter what you hope might happen.” His face appeared from behind the boxes, blue eyes hard. “You had a chance to talk with him, you had many chances to talk with him, but you chose to force him out of your life in a callus manner that I do not think I’ve seen before.”

“I needed space,” Hotch said.

Horatio started chuckling, but there was no real humor to the sound. “You needed space,” he repeated, shaking his head. “And Spencer was so clingy that you had to destroy him to get this space you need.”

“I didn’t destroy him.”

“Didn’t you?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Eric came up behind Hotch with another stack of boxes. “Here you go, H,” he said. “I’m making progress. I can almost see the wall behind the boxes.”

“Are we going to need a bigger truck, Eric?” Horatio asked.

“I don’t think so, but it’s going to be close,” Eric replied. “The suitcases might have to ride up front with us and behind the seat.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thank you, Eric,” Horatio said. “You don’t know what I’m talking about, Agent Hotchner. There are those that would argue you know Spencer Reid better than anyone else on this planet because of your relationship with him for almost ten years. Trust me when I say that I am not one of them, but I know enough to know that Spencer has been completely destroyed inside from your actions and words towards him this past month, and that is something that I will never be able to forgive.”

“I’m curious why no one has asked me how I feel about all of this,” Hotch said. “There’s two people in a relationship.”

Horatio’s blue eyes came back up and pinned him in place. “I’m shocked you could say something like that,” he said. “We all believed you forgot so simple a fact.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Hotch demanded.

“It’s quite simple, Agent Hotchner. As you say, there are two people in a relationship, and that infers conversation between them about problems, issues, dreams, beliefs; anything that could impact the other in a positive or negative manner,” Horatio said. “We know that at one point in time your relationship was unbalanced because young Spencer didn’t know how to tell you no because he was so terrified he would lose you if he did. That young man has been shown time and again that everything he loves abandons him in the end, and you have done nothing to ease that terror. If anything, you have made it worse. I hope the woman you’ve chosen to replace Spencer with is worth it, because you will never find someone to love you as deeply as he did.”

“You do know that relationships end all the time and there’s never this much drama surrounding those endings,” Hotch said. “I don’t know why everyone is taking Reid’s side in this.”

Horatio hopped down out of the truck and moved in close to Hotch. “We are not taking his side, as you put it, Agent,” he hissed. “We are caring for a young man that was wronged so completely and suddenly that he could well die at any moment because he no longer cares to live. We are concerned that he will never recover from the betrayal of being forced from his home with threats of his belongings being put out like garbage. We are not taking sides. You forced yourself into a lone position when you were such a bastard that you decided to destroy the young man that loved you, and that is something that I will never forget, Agent Hotchner.”

“You’re wrong,” Hotch managed, taking a step back. The anger rolling off the lieutenant was unsettling, and Hotch couldn’t recall the last time he’d seen anyone so angry. “You don’t know the full story.”

“Then tell me what could possibly justify your actions,” Horatio said. “Tell me your side of the story, Agent, because I’m certain it’s just going to be half-excuses and lies to balm your conscious and allow you to continue along with this woman you met in a park.”

“I haven’t talked to Beth since I was in Miami.”

“If you’re avoiding her to garner sympathy, then you can forget about it,” Horatio said. He stepped back up into the truck and went back to getting the boxes stacked securely for the trip south. “There is no way that Spencer will be coming back to you, so you may as well forget about even trying to win him back. Move on with the woman you believe is worth throwing away everything you had. We can all see what you’re attempting to do, Agent Hotchner, and none of us are going to allow you to paint yourself as the victim in this. You are the perpetrator, and your actions make us all sick.”

Hotch sighed. “I don’t know why everyone keeps saying that I’m trying to be the victim here because I’m not,” he said. “I just want someone to listen to me.”

“Someone who is not me, obviously, since I offered to let you tell your side of the story,” Horatio said. “It’s too little too late. You know Spencer’s personal history. You know his phobias and terrors, and you used them against him. I don’t speak for the whole group, but this is something that I will never forget.”

“Here’s some more boxes, H,” Eric said, appearing again. “Do you want to take a break and grab some lunch?”

“We probably should,” Horatio agreed. “Go lock up the apartment, Eric. Agent Hotchner, the only other thing I have to say to you is that I hope the rest of your team never finds out what it is you’ve done to Spencer. Because, when they do, I think it’s possible that no one will ever find your body.”

“Is that a threat against a federal agent?”

Horatio grinned. “No, but it wouldn’t be the first time if it was,” he said. “If I were you, I would hope that no one ever tells Agent Morgan the truth of your actions, because I know how protective he is when it comes to Spencer. Have a good day.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> http://www.amazon.com/Lexxie-Scott/e/B00BHME9QQ
> 
> Every so often, I like to post a link to my amazon page (I write under pen names) and my original novels and novellas. If you have a second, please check it out. Every so often (like every other month) one or two titles are discounted down to $0.99 on Kindle.

Morgan watched Hotch vanish and saw Rossi’s eyes following the other man. He sighed and followed Rossi into his office, shutting the door behind him. “You want to tell me what the hell is going on here, Rossi?”

“I’m not sure what you mean, Morgan,” Rossi said, sitting down behind his desk.

“I’m not blind. I’ve just been keeping quiet, trying to figure out what the problem is lately,” Morgan said, crossing his arms over his chest. “First Reid vanishes with no warning, no note, and no phone call. His phone is turned off and he’s not home. Then you start eye-balling Hotch like you’re planning to kill him the minute his back is turned. Then, as if all this isn’t enough, he’s just walked out of here without any word on where he’s going and when he’ll be back. So talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

Rossi bit back a sigh. “Reid’s taking leave for a month or so,” he said. “I’m not sure when he’ll be back, but he’s asked to be left alone to think about his life and where he wants to go from here. Personally, and I’m not positive about this, I think the cases he’s worked are starting to weigh on him and he’s wondering if he can keep going or if he needs to find another way to help others.”

“He’s been doing this for twelve years,” Morgan pointed out. “Seems to me he’s okay.”

“You also know what a good actor he is,” Rossi said. “Morgan, remember that Reid cannot forget anything, no matter how hard he tries. The weight of remembering all the cases, not just that he’s worked, but that he’s studied to better be able to do his job, think what that would be like to have all of that living inside of you day after day. I don’t blame him for wanting some time away to think things through. Remember, I did the same thing, but for longer. He’ll be in touch when he’s ready.”

“Okay, then what about you and Hotch?” Morgan asked.

“Hotch and I have had a difference of opinion, I’m afraid,” Rossi replied. “I’d hoped that no one would pick up on it, but I’m constantly underestimating you and Emily.” He grinned wryly. “You’d think I would learn my lesson after the first hundred times, wouldn’t you?”

“You’re not going to tell me what the difference of opinion is, are you?”

“Nope, because it doesn’t concern you or the team,” Rossi said. “It’s an old sticking point, back from the days when Hotch was the rookie and I was the experienced old profiler helping him learn the job. Give us some time and we’ll work through it.”

“Why do I think you’re lying to me?” Morgan asked.

“I don’t know, why do you?” Rossi asked in reply, leaning back in his chair. “What would I gain by lying to you about anything you asked me about, Morgan?”

“I don’t know, but I’m going to figure it out,” Morgan said. “Reid’s my best friend and he’d tell me if he was taking a break for a while, if only so I wouldn’t worry about him so much.”

Rossi shrugged. “You’d have to ask Hotch about that, I’m afraid,” he said. “I only know about it because I was in the office when Reid let us know he was going to be gone for a while. I’m sorry I didn’t mention it sooner. I’d assumed Reid told you that he was going to be gone.”

“You’re not going to tell me anything else, are you?” Morgan said.

“There’s nothing else to tell,” Rossi said. “Give the kid a chance to find himself again, find that drive that he burns with all the time and I can almost guarantee he’ll be back in the middle of everything before you know it; probably with candy and a new scary mask.”

Morgan couldn’t help but smile at that. “He brings a lightness to the team that I don’t think he realizes is so important,” he said. “All right, Rossi, I’ll let this go for now, but if I see something I don’t like then I’m going to be beating your ass until you tell me the truth.”

“The truth is a valuable treasure to be guarded and shared with those most worthy,” Rossi said. “This team, Morgan, is very worthy.”

“Thanks,” Morgan said. He left the office, shutting the door behind him, and headed towards Garcia’s office. She knew everything, or could find everything, and never told him no. “Hey baby doll.”

“What can I do for you today, my studly agent?” Garcia asked, not looking away from her computers.

“What are you working so hard on in here?” Morgan asked in reply, sitting down next to her.

“A new type of trace that I’m hoping will be able to hack into some of the more unbreakable guard programs,” Garcia said with a grin. “Criminals are getting more tech savvy about hiding their deeds on their hard drives, and that means I need to be able to get in there faster and easier. What’s up?”

“Do you think that Rossi is hiding something?”

“Honey, I can promise you that Rossi is hiding something,” Garcia said, not even thinking about it. “I don’t know what it is this week, but I’m sure it’s something.”

Morgan chuckled and shook his head. “I’m not talking about his latest lady friend, Garcia,” he said. “I mean something serious about the team. About my baby boy.”

“You mean Reid?” Garcia’s eyes flashed over to him. “Isn’t he like on holiday or something to find his zen again?”

“That’s what Rossi said, but Reid never told me about anything like this,” Morgan said. “I’m worried about him, baby girl.”

Garcia saved the file she’d been working on and turned to look at Morgan. “Reid’s mind isn’t like ours, Derek,” she said. “It’s like my babies in here, my computer brains. They never forget anything, even if information can be over-written by time and reuse. That’s the only difference. Reid’s mind doesn’t over-write anything. He never forgets. Then again, he rarely crashes either, so in a way, he’s better than my computers. I wonder if there’s a way to mimic his mental pattern in a hard drive.”

“Garcia, focus,” Morgan said. “Where is Reid?”

“Sweetie, I can’t believe you didn’t work that one out for yourself,” Garcia said. “Where would he go if he wanted a holiday to gain perspective?”

“Oh for pete’s sake, Gideon,” Morgan said. He thumped himself on the head a few times. “He’d go and stay with Gideon.”

“Bingo there, doll,” Garcia said. “Do you think that Gideon would let Reid hurt himself or do anything stupid, dangerous, or otherwise harmful to the human body while he was thinking about his life and the paths he wants to walk?”

“Nope, he’s safe and sound,” Morgan said. “Think if I called down there, Gideon would let me talk with Reid?”

Garcia smiled. “You can but try,” she said. “Feel better now, my Greek God?”

He kissed her cheek and stood up. “Yep, but you always help with that, baby doll,” Morgan said with a grin. “Thanks, Garcia.”

“You’re welcome, come again,” Garcia said. She waited until he was gone and the door was closed behind him before she picked up her phone and dialed Rossi’s office. “Morgan is going to call Gideon to talk with Reid.”

“So we have maybe a day before the explosion happens,” Rossi said. “It’s better warning than I’d hoped for.”

“Do you think Morgan will kill anyone?” Garcia asked.

“I’ll try to keep him under control,” Rossi promised. “Thanks, Garcia.”

“You’re welcome, Rossi.”


	13. Chapter 13

Gideon was in the kitchen making a late breakfast for himself and Reid when his cell phone rang. He picked it up and answered it without checking to see who it was. “Gideon.”

“Hey, it’s Morgan. I was wondering if I could talk with Reid for a couple.”

“He just woke up, so let me see,” Gideon said. “It was a long night for him, Morgan. I won’t lie, there are some old issues haunting him right now.”

“Yeah, Rossi and Garcia told me that he’s taking the month off to try and figure out if he wants to keep working with the team or not,” Morgan said. “That old cases and things are bugging him. I just wanted to make sure he’s okay and knows we miss him.”

Gideon had to admit he approved of the lie that Rossi and Garcia created to keep the team in the dark about what truly happened. His greatest fear was that someone would hurt Hotch and then the man would be justified in presenting himself as a victim in the matter. “I’m sure he does, Morgan,” he said into the phone. “Spencer is a remarkable young man, and I think we all forget how his mind works. Hang on a second.” He lowered the phone and leaned over to whisper to Reid. “Morgan is on the phone and wants to talk to you. I don’t want him to learn the truth about Hotch just yet. Do you think you can lie to him convincingly?”

“Yeah,” Reid said. “I should have said something to him before I left.”

“Are you certain, Spencer?”

“I’ll be okay, Jason,” Reid said, trying to smile.

“All right, here he is,” Gideon said, handing over the phone. “I’ll just be inside, Spencer, if you need me for anything.”

“Thanks,” Reid said, taking the phone. “Hey Morgan.”

“Hey there kid, you had me worried,” Morgan said. “I know you like magic, but you shouldn’t make yourself vanish like you did. Makes your friends worry about you.”

“I’m sorry, Morgan, I guess I didn’t think,” Reid said. “I’ve had nightmares keeping me up at night and I just woke up a few mornings ago and decided to come to see Jason rather than go to work. It wasn’t anything I planned out.”

“You got case ghosts haunting you, Reid?” Morgan asked.

Reid sighed. “I remember every detail of every case I’ve ever read or heard about down to the width of the lines on the paper and the handwriting used, in the older ones,” he said. “They haunt me all the time, Morgan. I guess it’s all finally got to be too much for me. I just need some time to think and work out what I want to do with the rest of my life.”

“You know you’ve got family here that will help you no matter what, right?” Morgan asked. “Hell, you say the word and we’ll be in Miami to help you out, kid. You’re one of ours and we take care of each other.”

“I know,” Reid said softly. “I’ll be okay, Morgan. I am sorry I worried you. I called and told Hotch that I was taking some time from the team, and also let the higher-ups at the Bureau know. I guess I thought one of them would say something to the team.”

“There’s been no word from anyone, and you’re not the only one that’s having some sort of crisis, man,” Morgan said. “Hotch is acting all weird, like he’s seeing ghosts or something, and he and Rossi are fighting.”

Reid’s heart skipped a few times when he heard Morgan say Hotch’s name, and he recognized the feeling as the start of a panic attack. “I’m sure they’ll work it out,” he said. “Morgan, I’m sorry, but I’ve got to go. Jason’s got breakfast done and I can’t let it get cold. I’ll call you in a week or so and check in.”

“All right, kid,” Morgan said. “You need to put some more weight on again. Take care and I’ll talk to you later. Call sooner if you need to talk.”

“I will. Thanks, Morgan. Bye.” Reid closed the phone, dropped it on the deck and bolted up from his chair, running into the house.

Gideon caught him and the pair skidded into the counter under the force of Reid’s dash. “Hey now, easy,” Gideon whispered, wrapping the smaller man in a tight hug. “Breathe, Spencer. Even breaths for me. Slowly now. Focus on matching your breaths to mine. There you go. Easy. Easy.”

“Sorry,” Reid muttered, burrowing in against Jason.

“You’re fine. What happened?”

“Morgan started talking about Hotch and how he’s acting strange and it triggered a panic attack,” Reid said. “My only thought was to get to you as fast as I could.”

“Do you not want to talk to him again?”

“It’ll make him suspicious and could lead him to finding out the truth,” Reid said. “I don’t want anyone on the team to know how stupid I was.”

Gideon tightened his hold a little. “You weren’t stupid, Spencer. You were not and never have been stupid,” he said firmly. “You did what any human would do, you loved another so deeply that you thought you would be with him for the rest of your life. Because you loved him so deeply, you never thought to look at another and were taken completely by surprise when the one you loved did. He is the stupid one, Spencer, because he threw you to the side. He lost something so very precious.”

“But I have looked at someone else,” Reid protested. “And Hotch knows that I did.”

“More than that one instance?”

“No.”

“You and Hotch were still attempting to find each other and what you wanted from your relationship back then,” Jason said. “If we hadn’t come to Miami when we did, then maybe things would have been different. Maybe Hotch would have walked away from the both of us for this woman. There is no way to know what the future will hold until you are experiencing it for yourself, and by then, all you can do is live it to the best of your abilities.”

Reid sighed and snuggled in closer. “I don’t know what to do, Jason,” he said.

“You stay here with me and Horatio until you can hear about Hotch without having a panic attack,” Gideon said. “Then, if you want, you stay here even longer because this is a place where you will always be welcome no matter what else is happening in our lives. I know you, Spencer, and I know that you’ll be able to find yourself inside your heart again. The question then will be, are you strong enough to create that you on the outside and the inside, or will you forever keep him hidden away from everyone?”

“Staying hidden means no more pain,” Reid said.

“That’s true, and there are those that wouldn’t blame you for taking that road,” Gideon said with a small sigh. “But think about this, Spencer. You lost your parents at a very young age and had to survive on your own when it wasn’t fair to you. You lost your mentor at work, though I kept in touch, and you’ve lost your lover. I lost my wife suddenly and with no warning, and then lost my son when he blamed me for his mother’s death. Horatio lost his mother and father the same day. All three of us have experienced far more in life than anyone would every think fair. I’m not telling you that you have to do what Horatio and I have, making the choice to step up and let our losses make us stronger, but I urge you to think about it before you make your final decision if you want to keep yourself hidden from the world forever.”

Reid nodded with a sigh. “I’ll think about it, Jason,” he said. “Do we have to eat?”

“Yes, we do, because you are losing weight again,” Gideon said. “We can spend the day out back reading if you want, but you are going to eat all three meals today, Spencer.”

“Not hungry.”

“I know, but you have to try,” Gideon said. “In this as in life, you have to try.”


	14. Chapter 14

Rossi parked on the other side of the street from the moving truck, in plain view of the back, and walked towards where the boxes were still being stacked up. “Need any help?” he asked. “I’m David Rossi, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Agent Rossi. I’m Horatio Caine,” the red head said, looking back from the boxes. “And thank you, but I think I’ve got it figured out. What can I do for you this evening?”

“I really just wanted a chance to meet whoever it was Reid trusted enough to have come pack up his things, and also who could make Hotch look like he was given lemons for lunch,” Rossi said, leaning against the back of the truck.

Horatio grinned. “Agent Hotchner usually doesn’t like anything I have to say to him, but I think today he liked it even less than usual,” he said. “The man needs to learn to not give me openings, but he’s done so ever since we met many years ago, and he doesn’t seem to want to give up on the habit.”

“Wish I’d been here to see it,” Rossi said. “How’s Reid doing?”

“I haven’t had a chance to speak with him or Jason today,” Horatio replied. He took the last small box that Eric had just brought down. “Thank you, Eric. Is this everything?”

“I’m going to give the place a last look-through, but yeah, I think so,” Eric said. “Is it going to fit?”

“It will, but I don’t know how carefully we’ll have to open this door once we’re home again,” Horatio said. “I’m worried something might shift while we’re driving and we’ll end up with a cascade of books.”

“They look pretty tightly packed to me,” Rossi said. “I think you’ll be fine. I was going to call and see if I could talk to Reid, but one of our other agents already called and I don’t want to overwhelm him.”

“Which one?” Eric asked. “Oh, sorry, I’m Eric Delko. I’m one of Horatio’s CSIs, here to help pack and move.”

“David Rossi, nice to meet you. It was Derek Morgan. I’ll be honest with you guys, I’m scared to death what’s going to happen when Morgan works out that Hotch has been such an idiot and hurt Reid so badly.”

Horatio nodded thoughtfully. “As best I remember from the short time I spent with the team before Jason took his leave of absence and I turned the case over to one of the others on my team, Agent Morgan is very, very protective of Spencer,” he said. “That isn’t something that would have changed, no matter how much we might wish it to.”

“Anyone looks at the kid wrong and Morgan goes into protective mode,” Rossi said. “We’ve managed to get him convinced that it’s just old cases and ghosts in his memory that are bothering Reid right now, but if Hotch should do or say something wrong, then it’s all over.”

“And we get Agent Morgan in Miami,” Horatio finished. “Go finish up the check for me, please, Eric. I’d like to get a few hours driving done tonight if we can. Agent Rossi, you obviously care for Spencer. Do you have any plans in place to come see him?”

Rossi shook his head. “Not right now, no. I need to stay here and keep an eye on Hotch,” he said. “I’ll talk to the kid on the phone, but until I’m certain that Hotch isn’t going to find a way to really become a victim in all of this, I don’t want to let him think that I’m not watching him.”

Horatio tilted his head to the left and studied Rossi for a long moment. “How long has it been since he saw you in the role of elder and teacher?” he finally asked.

“What the hell?” Rossi asked. “Gideon tell you about that?”

“No,” Horatio said. “Answer the question for me, please, Agent Rossi.”

“Since I came back and he was the Unit Chief,” Rossi said with a sigh. “I think that Hotch managed to forget how much I taught him. Hell, I also think he doesn’t realize how much I never told him. How much I kept to myself because I didn’t want him to walk the same roads that I did.”

“Much as Jason did too,” Horatio said. “Every man must find the path they want to walk, and our elders can only guide us, even if it means turning us away from that path. I don’t wonder if maybe it’s time for you to remind Agent Hotchner just how good of a profiler you are.”

“How the hell do you propose I do that?” Rossi asked.

“I think you know the answer, even if you don’t want to admit to it,” Horatio replied. “At this point, Agent Hotchner is closing off from everyone around him including, if he was telling me the truth, the woman he abandoned Spencer for, and I don’t think we should let that happen.”

Rossi sighed. “I’m not sure if he’s seen Beth lately or not,” he said. “The only way I found out about her to begin with is after I read him the letter Spencer wrote.”

“So that tells us that Agent Hotchner felt, and possibly feels, some shame for his actions surrounding Spencer,” Horatio said. “One thing we need to be on the alert for is him attempting to make amends with Spencer. Think what that would do to the young man.”

“Reid is already questioning everything around him, and everyone,” Rossi said slowly, obviously turning ideas around in his mind. “If he stops seeing Beth and starts trying to court Reid again, Reid could convince himself that it was all a mistake and go back to Hotch without any of the problems actually being resolved.”

“And we are right back to the problems that almost destroyed them the first time,” Horatio said. “Young Spencer has a bit of a complex and he wants to please his partner absolutely without thought to what it might do to him. For example, he has an extreme fear of restraints and being restrained, yet I believe he would let Agent Hotchner tie him to the bed if only because it would mean that he was loved again.”

“And that isn’t love, that’s a perversion,” Rossi said, nodding along. “I was serious when I said that I want to see Reid happy again. Do you think my coming to visit in a month or so would be okay?”

Horatio nodded. “I think so, yes,” he said. “What about your work?”

“I retired once, I can do it again if they won’t give me the time off,” Rossi said with a shrug. “Not like I need the money I make. You don’t think my keeping in touch over the phone is hurting anything, do you?”

“No, I think it’s letting Spencer know that someone outside of Miami cares for him as him and that’s important right now,” Horatio said. “Eric, what’s the final word?”

“Lock her down, H, we’re clear,” Eric said. “I already turned the keys in too, so we’re ready to go.”

“That’s the best news I’ve heard all day,” Horatio said with a grin. “Agent Rossi, it was a pleasure to meet you, and I’ll look forward to seeing you whenever it is you come to Miami. Eric, will you call Jason and let him know we’re on the road, please?”

Rossi held out a hand to both men. “Good to meet you both,” he said. “Drive safe and I’ll be in touch.”

He stood and watched the truck as it rumbled off down the road and shook his head. Gideon hadn’t been kidding about Horatio Caine. Rossi just couldn’t work out exactly how the man knew as much as he did.


	15. Chapter 15

“You’ve been staring at that same page for an hour, Spencer, is there something you would like to talk about?” Gideon asked.

“Why do you and Horatio have such wide deck chairs?” Reid asked.

Gideon bit back a laugh. That would be the worst possible response to the young man at that moment. “For the simple reason that he and I both like to touch,” he said. “Especially after a hard day or a tough assignment, we like to be able to share a chair and have the simple comfort of human touch.” He didn’t add in that the pair of them had also tried sex out on the deck a couple of times in the chairs. That wasn’t something that Reid needed to know about.

“Do you ever regret leaving the team and moving down here?”

“I miss the members of the team, but I’ve kept in touch with everyone, so that missing is dulled down through phone calls,” Jason said. “I feel as if I’m able to do more good down here, working on cases that do need attention, but the Unit simply doesn’t have the time or man-power to manage. It’s a way to help people find closure that they might not otherwise have.”

“You don’t miss going out in the field with us?” Reid asked.

“I do miss the team interaction, the process of all of us working together to attempt a solution, but Spencer, at the same time, I believe the team works better now than it ever did when I was there,” Jason replied. “I know that Morgan never completely lost his issues with me and my issues surrounding both fire and explosives. Given that is his special field, I don’t wonder if he thought I would be better off attempting to learn more of them in an attempt to conquer my fears.”

Reid twisted around a little so he could look up at Gideon. “Morgan can be an idiot at times,” he said. “I don’t think he was worried about you though, Jason. You were able to show him that you’re able to face whatever you have to and come through with yourself and the team intact.”

“Was I though? Did you never consider it possible that what I allowed the team to see of me was a mask worn to hide my fears behind,” Jason said. “That the man the team knew as one of their leaders was a fraud that trembled in fear any time he was in the field?”

“Of course not, because that’s not true,” Reid said. “It’s possible you worried about us all too much, that you did and do have your own fears, but you would never let any of that keep you from doing your job professionally in the field.”

Gideon managed a smile and kissed Reid on the top of the head. “And yet, Spencer, I had to excuse myself from a case with a vicious serial killer because I had allowed both you and Aaron too deeply within myself. I had constant erections that impacted how I worked.”

Reid nodded and shifted until his head was rest on Gideon’s shoulder again. “I still feel guilty for how we used you like we did, Jason,” he said softly. “I haven’t had the thoughts recently, but for a while, I wondered what would have happened if I had given in that night and gone to you for completion. Where we would be now.”

“I believe that we wouldn’t have lasted as long as everyone was obviously hoping,” Gideon said. “There was a power imbalance in the relationship you and Aaron shared, and having me come in would have only increased that. It’s very possible that you would have lost Aaron quickly should I have joined the relationship.”

“Part of me thinks better quickly than now, after ten years with him,” Reid said. “I love him, Jason, but I hate him so much that it makes me want to scream. Why did he do it? Why did he cheat on me like this?”

“I wish I had an answer for you, Spencer, but I don’t,” Jason said. “I believe that Aaron himself doesn’t know why he took the path he did, and he is trying to figure out what happened as much as you are, if not more.”

“He’s never going to want me back, is he?”

“Would you go back to him should he ask?”

“I want to, but then I think about the past month,” Reid said. “About how empty the house was. How he was never there, even when his body was. How he threatened the one thing I love as much as him. How do I even begin to forgive him for everything he did?”

“It’s not written anywhere that you must forgive him for anything,” Gideon said. “It would be healthier for you were you able to do so, but no, Spencer; you never have to forgive Aaron anything should you not wish to.”

Reid sighed and curled up a little closer. “I’m still just so sleepy,” he murmured.

“Then sleep, Spencer,” Jason said softly. “I’ll be right here until you wake. Sleep as much as you can.”

Gideon watched the younger man as he slowly settled in and fell asleep. There was still so much pain within the thin frame that Gideon wasn’t sure how to even begin to help draw the pain out and help those wounds heal. Hotch wouldn’t have done more damage if he’d shot the younger man through the heart. A direct wound to the heart might even have been a blessing, because the death would have been quick and Reid wouldn’t have to suffer the betrayal of the one he loved more than his own life.

He was curious to see what Horatio would have to say when he got home. He’d talked with Eric and knew they were on the road, and that Horatio wanted to drive straight through for some reason. Eric hadn’t known what changed Horatio’s mind, but Jason thought he knew. Horatio was concerned that someone from the team was coming to Miami again, and Jason wasn’t sure if it would be Hotch again, or if it would be Morgan. Both men would be enough to worry Horatio, and Jason could only hope that they would be able to keep the drama and emotion to a low level around Spencer. The young man was still delicate enough to fall apart if the wrong thing was said around him, and Jason wouldn’t let that happen if there was anything he could do to stop it.


	16. Chapter 16

Rossi was standing at Morgan’s desk, looking at a case file the younger man was having trouble with, when a dark-haired woman came into view, escorted by one of the guards from downstairs. Rossi’s eyes narrowed a little, though he didn’t look up from the file. Something told him that was Beth, the mystery woman that Hotch abandoned Reid for.

The guard knocked on Hotch’s door. “Sir, you guest is here,” he said.

Hotch opened the door a moment later. “Thank you, Phil,” he said. “I’ll bring her down after our meeting. Beth, what are you doing here?”

Rossi had to put a hand on Morgan’s shoulder to keep the younger man in place and silent when Beth leaned in and kissed Hotch. “I was worried about you, Aaron,” she said. “When you missed dinner the other night, I thought you were just out on a case, but I called to leave you a message and they said you were here. So I thought I’d bring you a late breakfast and see how you’re doing.”

“Thank you,” Hotch said. He didn’t have to look to know that Dave’s eyes were doing their best to burn holes through him. “Come in.”

Morgan waited until the door was shut before he shook Rossi up and glared at him. “What the hell was that about, and don’t you dare lie to me again, Rossi,” he hissed.

“Come on, let’s take a walk,” Rossi said. “Go wait for me at the elevator, Morgan. Do not question me on this. Go.”

“Fine, but you have some explaining to do,” Morgan said.

Did he ever, Rossi thought with a sigh. He went to Hotch’s door and tapped twice before opening it slightly. “Hey Hotch, Morgan and I are heading out to get coffee,” he said. “I know you have company and food, but I didn’t know if you wanted me to get you anything.”

“That’s be nice,” Beth said before Hotch could answer.

“All right then,” Rossi said with one of his more charming smiles. “What would you like, ma’am?”

“Just coffee with sugar, please,” Beth said. “I don’t like anything overly sweet. Thank you.”

“It’s not a problem,” Rossi said. He looked over at Hotch and caught his eye. “I’ll get you your favorite, Aaron, so you don’t have to settle for anything less.”

“Thank you, Dave,” Hotch said, trying to glare. He’d caught the meaning in the words and wasn’t happy about it.

“We’ll be back,” Rossi said, shutting the door again. So that was Beth. Personally, he couldn’t see the attraction, and that would probably surprise anyone that thought they knew him. Most people thought Rossi could always find something to like about any woman he met. Somehow though, when put up next to Spencer Reid, the young man won out with no question. He shone so brilliantly that anyone near him was forced into a shadow, and it was sad that Hotch didn’t see that brilliance any longer. He reached Morgan and grabbed the younger man’s arm. “Come with me.”

“You don’t have to man-handle me, Rossi,” Morgan snapped, jerking his arm away. He waited until they were in the elevator with the door shut before saying anything. “You lied to me.”

“What?”

“About Reid. You lied to me about why he left,” Morgan said. “I know the kid thought no one knew, but his relationship with Hotch was always obvious no matter how hard they tried to hide it from the team. So tell me what the hell is going on before I go and beat it out of Hotch.”

“You will do no such thing,” Rossi snarled. “Come on, I want coffee. Yes, Hotch has been an imbecile, more so than I think I ever have seen a man manage, but we didn’t lie to you. We said that Reid left because he was fighting with nightmares brought on by past cases. He did, but he also left because Hotch threw him out and replaced him with that bitch in his office.”

Morgan wanted to stop and think about that sentence for a minute, but Rossi was obviously angry and trying to work some of the anger out by walking, so Morgan was forced to keep moving. “What do you mean, Hotch threw him out?” he asked.

“I mean that Aaron Hotchner told that brilliant young man that he had to leave his home because he didn’t belong there any longer,” Rossi said. “He threatened to put all of Reid’s books and belongings out on the curb if Reid didn’t find an apartment and move quickly enough. He completely blacked that young man out of his life, and now Hotch is trying to paint himself as the victim in the whole mess, which is why you are not to go near him no matter how much you might want to. I never thought these words would come out of my mouth, but I agree with Gideon. The last thing we want to do is let Hotch become the victim here.”

“How is Hotch the victim?” Morgan asked. He couldn’t believe he was having trouble keeping up physically. Rossi never hid his fondness for good food and good liquor, and Morgan didn’t think that Rossi went near a gym. The man had to do something though because he wasn’t even breathing hard, and Morgan was starting to feel winded by the pace they were keeping.

“We don’t know and that’s why we’re not forcing his betrayals down his throat,” Rossi said. “That’s why none of us have hit him, no matter how much we want to, because that would turn him into a victim and paint him in a more sympathetic light. That is the last thing we want to do.”

Morgan finally grabbed Rossi’s shoulder and pulled. “Can we stop for a minute, man?” he asked. “How are you not winded?”

“It’s amazing how anger makes you able to do things,” Rossi said, crossing his arms over his chest. “I wanted to shoot her, Morgan. She’s the innocent in this whole mess, and I still want to kill her.”

“I’ll be your alibi if you do,” Morgan said, trying to catch his breath. “Remind me not to race you any time soon, Rossi. So what the hell do we do? I want to beat Hotch to a pulp for hurting Reid, and that’s not going to go away any time soon.”

“I know, Morgan, I know,” Rossi said with a sigh. “You’ll keep from hurting him because you know that if you do you’ll hurt Reid worse. That’s the only thing that’s been keeping me from shooting him.”

“Well, at least now I know why the hell you and Hotch are at each other throats,” Morgan said. “I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell you’ve been fighting about and neither of you were giving me any hints.”

Rossi managed a grin. “Trust me, Morgan, what I’m doing to Hotch is worse than any physical pain you could inflict on him,” he said.

“Yeah?” Morgan finally stood up again. “What’s that?”

“I’ve been the cricket on his shoulder whispering in his ear when he doesn’t expect it,” Rossi said. “I’m going to make him realize what a mistake he made in settling for this woman when he had such an amazing partner at home. Then, once I’ve managed that, I’m going to go and help Reid heal.”

“Reid is safe, right? You guys didn’t lie to me about that, did you?”

“No, we didn’t lie about that,” Rossi said. “Reid is with Gideon and Horatio in Miami. Between the pair of them, not to mention one of Horatio’s people, Reid couldn’t be safer if he was here with us. Morgan, the only reason we lied to you was to keep you from doing what we know you want to do.”

“I’ll keep my hands off of him for now, but if he says the wrong thing then I make no promises,” Morgan said.

Rossi sighed. “I guess that’s the best I’m going to get,” he said. “Come on, let’s go get some of the good coffee and get back to work. That case file won’t solve itself, you know.”

“Right.”


	17. Chapter 17

Gideon was in the living room reading a magazine that came in the mail earlier that day when he heard a truck pull into the driveway. Reid looked up from the book he was reading. “What was that?”

“That, unless I miss my guess, will be my lover and your things,” Jason said. He set the magazine to the side and stood to go to the door. “Horatio wanted to get your things down here as quickly as possible, Spencer.”

“There wasn’t a rush,” Reid said.

“Spencer, one thing you have to keep in mind is that his red hair makes Horatio very stubborn, and when he gets an idea into his head, it’s impossible to shake it out of there,” Jason said, opening the front door. “Am I right, Horatio?”

“I’m not answering that until I know what I’m agreeing to,” Horatio said with a grin. “Spencer, how are you doing, son?”

Reid ducked his head. “A little better, Horatio,” he said. “Thank you for going to get my things for me. I really appreciate it, and you didn’t have to.”

“I know I didn’t, and I’m happy to have done it,” Horatio said. “Now the question is, do we want to unload today or leave it for first thing tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow,” Gideon said, pulling his lover into the house. “The truck will be secure enough out there, and you and Eric will be able to get some rest. Did you drop him off at home already?”

Horatio nodded and pulled away to put his light jacket away. “I did. He might be asking you for a talk, Jason,” he said. “Eric has the new dad jitters badly and I’m not qualified to really talk with him about it.”

“I’ll be happy to try and ease those a little, though holding his child will do more for those nerves than anything he hears before the birth,” Jason said. “Are you hungry, Horatio?”

“We ate up in Jacksonville, but thank you,” Horatio said. He sat down on the sofa and looked over at Reid. “Do you feel up to hearing a few things from your friends up north, Spencer?”

“I guess,” Reid said.

“There’s nothing bad, I promise,” Horatio said. “Dave Rossi stopped by to see if there was anything he could do to help, either with the move, or for you personally. He’s asked if he can keep in touch as well.”

Reid sighed. “I’m still confused by his sudden interest in me. I mean, Rossi’s a good man, he’s there for anyone that needs to talk to him, but he’s always seemed a little annoyed by me,” he said. “Not as much lately, but I can still see it in his eyes sometimes. He doesn’t understand me.”

“Then that’s his loss,” Jason said. He sat down next to Reid in the large recliner, allowing the younger man to shift into his lap. “Spencer, you are an amazing young man that has always done the best he can with no thought to himself when helping others. I know that you don’t feel comfortable around groups and strangers, and having David come in like he did had to have been hard for you. He’s also always been a very solitary man, one that didn’t like working with others, so he’s had to make some adjustments to the team atmosphere as well.”

“I just don’t get it,” Reid said.

“Is it possible he hasn’t known how to show you that he does care for you as a friend, Spencer?” Horatio asked softly. “And now it seems like he’s trying too hard because of that?”

“I guess,” Reid said. “What else did he say?”

“That Morgan and the others are worried about you,” Horatio said. “I’m not sure if we’re going to end up with company soon or not.”

Reid shook his head and hid his face against Gideon’s neck. “I’m not ready to see anyone,” he said, voice muffled. “Not right now. I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to see anyone from the team again.”

“That’s okay, Spencer,” Jason said, rubbing his back. “Horatio and I will keep them from coming to see you for as long as you want us to. You’re the one calling the shots for yourself, and if you want to hide, then we’ll let yo hide.”

“And that’s true for phone calls as well,” Horatio said. “Spencer, if you want to have some time just to yourself, then you tell us and we’ll field phone calls for you too, okay?”

“Okay,” Reid said.

“Tomorrow then, I was going to ask some of my team to come and help us unload the truck, Spencer,” Horatio said. “Jason and I aren’t as young as we like to think we are, and while we would be able to help you, I don’t think it would be good for our backs. Will you be okay around them, or would you prefer to not see anyone while we’re getting your things upstairs?”

“Do I have to see them?” Reid asked.

“Of course not,” Horatio replied. “My team understands what it is to have to protect yourself, and they’ll be happy to help without seeing you at all. If you need to stay hidden in the guest room down here, then do that.”

Reid glanced over, face still mostly hidden. “Where are my things going to go, Horatio?” he asked.

“Have you not been upstairs yet?” Horatio asked in reply.

“No.”

“Why don’t we go up and take a look then,” Horatio said with a smile. “That way, if you need more bookshelves, we’ll have a little warning and can pick some up for you before we bring things upstairs.”

“Jason?” Reid said.

Gideon smiled too. “Come on, Spencer,” he said. “Just because your things are upstairs in the guest apartment doesn’t mean that you have to stay up there. It’s just easier to get your things up there now, and you can move when you feel like you can be alone without nightmares.”

“All right. I’m sorry for being so uncertain.”

“You have nothing to apologize for at all,” Horatio said. “Come on, I’ll lead so you have Jason behind you on the stairs, okay?”

Jason caught Horatio’s eye and nodded his thanks for that one small favor. Horatio nodded back and stood, heading for the stairs hidden in behind what looked like a closet door. He flicked on the light and headed up, knowing that Reid and Gideon would follow along as soon as Reid was ready to be moving again.

The second floor of the house was split between attic and guest apartment. Horatio and Jason had done the remodeling themselves on weekends when Horatio didn’t have to be at the lab. The result was a set of rooms that guests would be able to share and still have their own bedrooms. Jason used the room closest to the stairs as his home office, but the other rooms were made up and ready for guests. 

“Wow,” Reid said, when he topped the stairs. “This is beautiful, and bigger than anywhere I’ve lived before. How is there so much space up here?”

“Horatio is very good at opening things up,” Jason said with a wry look. “We reframed under the roof and then put the walls and ceiling in, Spencer. This is four years worth of work you’re seeing here.”

“You two did all this yourselves?” Reid asked, spinning in a small circle.

“We didn’t do any wiring or plumbing, but everything else, yes,” Horatio replied with a smile. “Take a look in the guest rooms and see if you can work out which one of us decorated each. You can also pick which one you want for your bedroom and which for your office.”

“I get two rooms?” Reid asked.

“You can put things in as many rooms as you need to, although I think having bookcases out here in the living space would be easier than trying to turn several rooms into libraries,” Horatio said. “What do you think, Jason?”

“Maybe bookcases in the room he choses for his office for books he needs daily, and the others can come out here,” Gideon said. “What do you think about that for a solution, Spencer?”

“That’d be great, thank you,” Reid said. “This must be your space here, Jason.”

“It is,” Gideon said.

“Can I have my office next to yours?” Reid asked.

“If that’s what you want, of course you can,” Jason replied with a smile. “We’ll be working together so I’m sure that we’ll be in each other’s space a lot. What about for a bed room, Spencer?”

Reid shook his head. “I don’t want to pick now,” he said. “I’m not going to be ready to sleep on my own for months, and my choice might change. I don’t want to try and pick that now. But I’d like to have this room for my office, please.”

“Then that’s your office,” Horatio said. It was a room with a single bed and a dresser, the one room they hadn’t really finished decorating, and it would be easy enough to clear it out and move a desk and bookcases in. “We’ll have to go shopping when you’re feeling better, Spencer, to get you a desk.”

“I don’t need anything fancy,” Reid said.

“That’s okay, Spencer, we can work out what you need when we start getting you set up here,” Jason said, rubbing his back. “H, I think storing the books in the living room will be the easiest. What do you think?”

“I think you’re right,” Horatio said. “Back towards the back bedrooms, so the stairs are free to bring other things up as we need them. Spencer, come with me for a second. I want to show you something.”

Reid followed Horatio towards one of the back bedrooms and paused in the doorway. “Wow,” he said, catching sight of the skylight that took up a fair part of the ceiling. “Can you see stars here?”

“You can,” Horatio said. “This is one of the rooms that I put together. You’ll find that’s one thing Jason and I have in common. We both love nature, even if it’s different parts. If you don’t want to go out and listen to the ocean at night, you can come up here and look at the stars. They’re both restful and help you think, if in different ways.”

“Horatio loves the ocean as background to think more than anything else,” Jason said from the doorway. “But he loves the stars too. Putting this room together was fun, and we spent a couple of nights up here watching the stars together.”

“Can we do that for a bit, Jason? Please?” Reid asked.

“Of course we can,” Gideon replied.


	18. Chapter 18

The BAU team got a callout the next morning early and were on the plane before the sun was up in Quantico. JJ briefed them all on what information she had on the five victims that had been located so far. The police department that requested their help feared there would be more before they were finished at the building site. Morgan sighed, “does anyone else think this would be easier with Reid to help us out?” he asked.

“Of course it would, but we’re bigger than any one member of our team,” Hotch said. 

Rossi stared at him for a long minute, but didn’t say anything about that sentence. “I remember a case down here about twenty years ago,” he said instead. “Gideon and I worked it not long after the BAU was officially opened.”

“What was the case?” Emily asked, looking over.

“A man killed his parents on their farm and buried them out behind the barn, telling people that they’d left town to avoid a lean on the farm,” Rossi replied. “The man lived on the farm for another five years before he sold it to a couple that wanted to retire to the area and raise chickens. You can imagine their surprise when they went to dig their new garden and found human remains.”

“How many people?” Emily asked.

“Grand total, best we could tell, was twenty,” Rossi said. “The man had pigs on the farm, and Gideon always thought that some of the victims went to be pig food rather than buried out behind the barn. We managed to track him down, but it took us a while because the man changed his name and moved a few towns over where no one knew him.”

“Did he have a brother?” Morgan said. 

Rossi snorted. “No, but it’s not an uncommon method to hide the victims of kill sprees,” he said. “A common burial ground can become a sacred site to the killer, and they aren’t happy when that ground is broken by anyone else.”

“This land is public property though,” JJ said. “You don’t think this is just an old cemetery that the locals forgot about, do you?”

“It’s possible, but I doubt it,” Rossi said. He glanced over at Hotch. “What do you think?”

“I think that we’re going to need a lot more information before we’re able to figure out what’s happened,” Hotch said. He stood up and went to get himself some coffee. 

Rossi motioned for Morgan to stay put and followed Hotch towards the front of the plane. “You look like you didn’t get much sleep last night,” he said softly, leaning over Hotch’s shoulder. “But you look pretty relaxed. I think most of us know how you spent your night last night.”

“There’s no law against it,” Hotch said, his voice a harsh whisper.

“No, which is a good thing, otherwise I think the prisons would be overflowing with people,” Rossi said. “Do you even think about what you did, Hotch? What you did to that sensitive and brilliant young man?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Hotch said.

“Yes, you do,” Rossi said. He picked up his coffee. “I told you that I was going to be watching you, Hotch, and that hasn’t changed. You might think that destroying the young man that loves you more than his own life is acceptable, but I don’t.”

“Dave, just go away,” Hotch said.

“Nope, that’s not happening either,” Rossi said. “You might want to forget the last ten years of your life and move forward with some woman, but I’m not going to let that happen. Reid’s gone for good, but I’m here and I’m not leaving any time soon.”

“You might not have much say in that,” Hotch said.

Rossi grinned. “Sure. Go tell Strauss that I’m harassing you,” he said with a small shrug. “I’ll just tell her why.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Wouldn’t I?”

“Guys, everything okay up there?” JJ called. “Garcia’s on the computer.”

“Yeah, everything’s fine,” Rossi replied. He glanced back at Hotch. “Don’t you ever think that I’m not going to be reminding you of what you did for as long as possible, Aaron Hotchner. Reid might be gone, but I’m here and I won’t ever forget this.”

He took his coffee and headed back to the group, sitting down next to Morgan. “Morning, Garcia,” Rossi said with a smile. “What’s up?”  
*~*

Reid woke slowly, confused about why he was so warm and how he’d managed to sleep for so long. He could feel Gideon behind him, one arm wrapped around his waist, but there was a body in front of him as well. He blinked his eyes a few times and finally managed to focus on red hair. It was Horatio. Reid took a deep breath and looked up. The skylight was letting a little sunlight into the room, but it was obviously early.

“Spencer?” Gideon asked softly. “You okay?”

“When did we fall asleep?” Reid asked in reply.

“Not long after you asked if we could look at the stars for a while,” Gideon said. “Horatio was out about as fast as you were, so I just covered us all up and figured it wouldn’t hurt anything to sleep up here for the night. Now, the question stands, are you okay?”

“I slept through the night,” Reid said.

Gideon moved back enough that Reid was able to roll onto his back. “That’s good, Spencer,” he said. “Did you have any nightmares?”

“No, I don’t even remember dreaming,” Reid said. 

“That means you felt safe where you were,” Gideon said with a smile. “Horatio is a comforting presence awake or asleep, so I think that you picked up on that without realizing it.”

“I can’t ask to sleep between you every night though,” Reid said. “That’s not fair to either of you, and doesn’t give you any time alone.”

“Hush, Spencer,” Gideon said. “Horatio and I both want to help you to heal, both body and heart, and if having the both of us in bed with you helps with that, then you are more than welcome to come sleep with us until you feel stronger.”

“What about your alone time?” Reid asked.

“We’ll manage,” Gideon replied. He kissed the top of Reid’s head softly. “You don’t have to worry about us, Spencer. We’ll be fine. You just need to focus on healing. I know you don’t know how, but I think that you’ll be able to figure it out before much longer.”

Reid moved over and cuddled up against Gideon. “I don’t know how,” he said.

“I know, Spencer, I know. We’ll talk more after some breakfast, how does that sound?”

“Not hungry.”

“You still need to eat,” Gideon said. “Come on, we’ll let Horatio sleep for a bit longer. Let’s go see if we can find something you think you can eat.”


	19. Chapter 19

Hotch assigned Dave to work with Emily once they were in town. She waited until they were in the car heading to the burial site before asking the question that was obviously bothering her. “Who was that woman that showed up yesterday?”

“That’s Beth, Hotch’s new girlfriend,” Rossi said, eyes on the road.

“Wait, what?”

“You heard me.”

“What about Reid? They’ve been together since before I came to join the team,” Emily said. “What the hell happened?”

Rossi sighed. “It’s a long story, Em, but the bare basics is that Hotch broke up with Spencer, kicked him out, and has moved on with that woman,” he said. “Spencer is now with Gideon trying to heal.”

“Is this the reason Reid looked so sick the past few weeks?” she asked.

“Yeah,” Rossi replied with another sigh. “I wish I’d picked up on things sooner than I did, but I thought it was a bug. Now that you know the truth, here’s the rules. You are not to mention anything about this to Hotch. You cannot hit or otherwise hurt him for any reason.”

“Why?”

“For the simple fact that Gideon and I are both afraid, God, I’m agreeing with Gideon, I can’t believe that’s happening, are both afraid that Hotch is attempting to paint himself as a victim in this whole mess,” Rossi said. “So we are purposely taking away every chance he has to do that, and I’m both watching and talking to him when he least expects me to be.”

Emily looked over at him for a long minute. “You know he’s not going to let you get away with that forever,” she finally said.

“Yeah, I know, but right now the moral high ground is not his, and I plan to keep reminding him of that,” Rossi said. “I pointed out on the plane that if he tries to write me up or report me for any of this, I’ll just tell the higher-up he reports me to the whole story surrounding my actions.”

“Okay, that’s low.” Emily paused for a minute. “I love it.”

“People are always underestimating how big of a bastard I really am,” Rossi said with a wry grin. “Both Morgan and I have spoken with Reid and he’s not okay, but he’s safe and with people he trusts. That’s more important than anything else right now.”

“All right, I’ll follow your lead for now, but if there’s another display like I saw yesterday, I might not be able to hold my feelings in,” Emily said.

“Do your best,” Rossi said. “As far as we know, Beth doesn’t know about Reid, or Hotch’s relationship status when they met. She’s the innocent in all of this, and I don’t want her breaking up with Hotch because that would also let him become the victim.”

“Seems to me that he’s getting away with a lot because we don’t want him to become a victim here, Rossi.”

Rossi glanced over with a grin. “You haven’t heard the things I’m whispering in his ear,” he said. “I’m sure that Beth was very curious why I would promise Aaron to get him his favorite coffee so he wouldn’t have to settle for second best.”

“You didn’t,” Emily said, laughing.

“I did,” Rossi said. “Trust me in this, Emily. I know that you never knew Gideon, but the man is, well, he’s Yoda. Drives me crazy with the crap he comes up with most of the time, but his points are generally valid. He knows what he’s doing, and I never thought I’d say that.”

“You don’t get along with Gideon?”

“I can, if I’m forced to, but honestly, at the base, we’re too much alike with different approaches to that alikeness to ever be friends,” Rossi said. “Here we are. What do you think?”

Emily looked around. “This could have been an old graveyard that fell off the map somehow,” she said. “How old are they estimating the bodies at?”

“I haven’t heard.” Rossi parked well back from the tape up around the crime scene and killed the engine. “Let’s go see what they have to tell us.”  
*~*

Horatio woke up late and confused as to why he was upstairs in one of the guest rooms before the evening before came back to him. With a sigh, he got up and made the bed before heading downstairs for a shower. He had just stepped into the hot water when arms wrapped around him. “Good morning,” he said.

“Afternoon,” Jason corrected. “I called Calleigh to let her know that we would set up unpacking for tomorrow when you were rested.”

“Where’s Spencer?” Horatio asked, turning to face his lover.

“Curled up in the recliner in the living room with several books,” Gideon replied, pulling Horatio in for a kiss. “He almost forced me to come and spend some time with you. I think he’s worried that we’ll blame him if we don’t get to spend some time alone.”

“We’ll have to show him that he’s wrong,” Horatio said. “So the question now is, do you want to shower together or go steal a few minutes in bed?”

Gideon leaned in and started kissing Horatio’s neck. “I think shower because it’ll be less messy, even if we can’t do anything advanced,” he said, reaching down. “I know that kinky sex makes Spencer very nervous, and I don’t want him imagining us doing things if he hears noise in the back of the house.”

“Hmmm, so that means no tying you up any time soon,” Horatio said with a small moan. He let his hands drift down and finally wrapped one around Jason’s erection. “Shame. I just got some new leather cuffs I’ve been wanting to show you.”

“Tease,” Jason groaned, moving for a kiss. The pair leaned against the wall so they wouldn’t fall over and focused on the other. Horatio came first, muffling his cry in Jason’s neck. Gideon followed and spent a minute trying to catch his breath. “Love you.”

“Love you, too,” Horatio said. “So, if we’re not unloading boxes today, what are your plans for the rest of the afternoon?”

“I thought we could go look at bookcases and desks,” Gideon said, reaching for the soap. “Maybe have dinner out if Spencer isn’t feeling too overwhelmed around people. What do you think?”

Horatio nodded. “I think it’s a good idea, and having the bookcases up there first is a good idea,” he said. “How late did you let me sleep?”

“It’s just after one, so not that late,” Gideon said. “Horatio, Spencer said he slept through the night last night and didn’t dream. I think it’s because he had both of us in the bed with him.”

“And he doesn’t want to presume to come to our bed because he sees it as coming between us in more ways than one,” Horatio said.

Jason reached around and turned off the water. “Exactly,” he said. “I’m not sure what to do, Horatio.”

“See what he says tonight when it’s bedtime,” Horatio said, handing Jason a towel. “I think that he’ll ask for what he needs, even if he’s not sure what that is right now.”

“I hope you’re right,” Gideon said with a small sigh.


	20. Chapter 20

Rossi wasn’t surprised when Hotch took the single room and put him in with Morgan while they were in town for the case. “I’m going to call Spencer,” Rossi said, putting his bag down on the table by the window. “Do you want me to put the phone on speaker so you can listen in too?”

“Just make sure he knows it,” Morgan commented from the other bed. “What do you think, Rossi? Is this just an old cemetery that they’ve managed to forget about, or are we looking at a kill ground?”

“I think that it’s an old burial ground, but that someone has been killing and hiding their kills there, hoping that the new bodies won’t cause comment,” Rossi said. “I’m just not sure how many new kills we’re looking at.”

“Hello?”

“Jason, it’s Rossi. May I speak with Spencer, please?”

“Not tonight, David. Spencer has requested time away from everyone but myself and Horatio to think about his life, and we need to honor that request,” Jason replied. 

Rossi sighed. “Then can I ask how he’s doing?”

“As well as can be expected given the circumstances. I believe that having his belongings here with him will help him feel a bit more grounded than he has been recently,” Gideon said. “We went shopping for bookcases and a new desk for him today, and while he was okay in public, I believe it took a lot out of him. Possibly reserves that he didn’t have to give under the best circumstances.”

“Gideon, it’s Morgan. Rossi has the phone on speaker and we’re on a case. “Is Reid eating?”

“As much as I can coax him to, yes,” Gideon said. “I’m looking after his basic needs, Derek. Food, liquid, warmth, and love. I can give him all of those, but until he feels more himself within his own mind, none of them will help him.”

Morgan looked over at Rossi and rolled his eyes. He’d forgotten exactly how Gideon could be at times. Rossi bit back a laugh. “So Spencer is going to stay there with you and Horatio?” he asked.

“For now, yes,” Gideon said. “He’s asked to work with me on cases that the team turns away, and I see no reason not to allow him to do so. I’m not sure if he will ever want to speak with anyone from the team again.”

“Not having him here hurts,” Morgan said. “And not just because he’s our boy genius. It’s like we’re missing an arm, Gideon. I keep looking up to ask him a question about what I’m seeing and he’s not there and my train of thought is gone. I miss my friend.”

“I know you do, but I also know that you know the team is greater than a single member,” Gideon said. “What sort of case are you on?”

“Possible killing ground found in a small town,” Rossi said. “Remember the farm back when we were first starting up? It’s not far from there.”

Gideon was quiet for a minute. “The man with the pigs and a kill ground behind his barn,” he finally said. “Yes, I do recall the case. I also seem to remember you shot him in the head, David, when he pulled his gun.”

“I wasn’t going to let him shoot first,” Rossi said. “I think we’ve got an old burial ground that someone has made their own. Those old bodies will confuse things for a couple of days, maybe even longer.”

“Layer by layer you can expose the clues, provided you are given the correct identification of the top layer,” Gideon said. “Remember that the most obvious is not always the first thing you must give your attention to.”

“The only thing I’m giving my attention to right now is the age of the bodies that they’ve brought up out of the ground,” Rossi said. “It’s looking like everyone was buried naked, so DNA is going to be our only hope of positive ID, unless there are dental records somewhere. I asked and there’s no dentist in town. The local barber pulls teeth whenever someone needs them gone.”

There was a small hint of a smile in Gideon’s voice when he replied. “Truly a town out of time then,” he said. “I have faith in your minds and your drives, gentlemen. You will solve the case.”

“I know we’ll solve it,” Morgan said. “The question is if we’ll manage to solve it before someone else dies.”

“All you can do is your best, as I keep reminding Spencer,” Gideon said. “I’m not going to tell him you called tonight, not unless he asks who I’ve been on the phone with. I want to keep his mind as shielded from thoughts about the team, and what he’s lost, for as long as possible. It’s bad enough that he lost the man he loves, but as an indirect reaction, he also lost his family. Those are two problems that I do not think he will ever fully recover from.”

“He didn’t have to leave,” Morgan said.

“Didn’t he?” Gideon asked.

“Of course not,” Morgan said. “We would have helped him here if he’d just asked us for help.”

“And when he saw Hotch every day, saw how happy the man is with his new fascination, what then?” Gideon asked softly. “What would it do to such a sensitive young man that was already scared to death of revealing his secret to anyone to see the man he loves so happy with someone else? Do you really believe that he didn’t have to leave the very place he felt he belonged?”

Rossi shook his head at Morgan. “Of course not. Spencer did the only thing he could do to save himself,” he said. “As much as we miss him, we know that he’s in the best place he could possibly be, Jason. We’re just worried about him.”

“So are we all,” Gideon said with a small sigh.

“I’m still playing cricket to Hotch,” Rossi said. “He’s threatening to report me to Strauss for harassment.”

“Meaning he is very much on the defensive,” Gideon said. “Take a step back for a week or so, David, and let him think. Continue to watch him, but do not poke at him at all. Let’s see what he does then.”

“What, exactly, are you hoping for?” Morgan asked. 

“I’m hoping that maybe Hotch will realize what a mistake he made when he kicked Spencer from his home,” Gideon replied. “I think that it’s possible he has realized it, but hasn’t internalized it yet. Until he does, he is still very capable of playing the victim, and I do not want to give him that position.”

“I don’t like it, but okay,” Rossi said. “If this doesn’t work, Jason, then I’m going back to what I was doing before.”

“That’s fine,” Jason said. “But I do think you’ll find that I’m right in this, David.”

“You can’t be right all the time, Jason.”

“No one can, but I can at least hope that I am right in this,” Gideon said. “Both of you be careful in the field and good luck with the case.”


	21. Chapter 21

Hotch lay on his bed in the hotel room and turned his phone around in his hands while he thought. He honestly wasn’t sure when he realized that he wasn’t happy with Spencer anymore, but when he met Beth, it was like everything finally clicked into place for him again. No one seemed to want to believe him, but Hotch honestly hadn’t meant to hurt Spencer when he said he wanted to end their relationship. Hotch was, and always had been, a man of quick action. He didn’t remember threatening to put all of Spencer’s things out on the curb for trash day, but that was one thing Gideon had right. Spencer didn’t lie, so if he said Hotch said it, then he must have said something along those lines during one of the arguments just before Spencer left for good. He winced a little. They weren’t really arguments. Spencer didn’t like tension or anger and would rarely, if ever, raise his voice during a disagreement. Hotch could see Spencer standing in front of him, head down, body almost limp, while Hotch talked at Spencer.

He winced again at that thought. He probably had been blind to everything around him with the tint that Beth brought back into his life. Hotch didn’t remember Spencer saying anything to him after that night that Hotch told him that he wanted to end their relationship. Not that he’d been around much for Spencer to try and talk to him, he admitted to himself. He’d been staying over with Beth most nights and, if he had been home, he didn’t go into the bedroom that he’d shared with Spencer for eight years in that house.

For Spencer, the house was love at first sight. There was a lot that needed to be fixed up, but the house itself was sound. Hotch could remember Spencer’s big eyes looking over at him while they were looking at the house, and Hotch remembered how he made the decision they would buy it based off the looks his partner kept shooting him. Spencer was beyond excited when he found out their offer was accepted and they would be able to close on the house immediately. Hotch sighed. There had been a lot to do, but Spencer took to the home improvement lessons well and helped out while Hotch himself made shelves, fixed a few doors, and redid both of their offices. Painting was interesting, given Spencer’s enthusiasm, but end the end it was worth it, and their house became their home. 

He knew he would regret it, but he turned on his phone and called Gideon. Hotch wasn’t sure why, but he wanted to ask a question.

“Gideon.”

“It’s Hotch. Can I ask you something?”

“You may ask me one more thing, yes,” Gideon said.

“It’s about the house,” Hotch said. “Spencer is on all of the title deeds and I’m thinking about selling it.”

The chill was obvious over the phone. No one could do cold as well as Jason Gideon, even if it wasn’t usually directed at his friends or family. “How much are you asking for it?” he asked.

“I don’t know. I just had the thought now and realized that if I do want to sell it, then I have to have Spencer’s signature on everything,” Hotch said. “I’m out of town on a case right now, but I can talk with a real estate agent when I’m home again.”

“We’ll just make this easy, Hotch,” Gideon said. “I will give you one quarter of a million for it, no strings attached. Then you can move on to wherever it is you think you should be.”

“What?” Hotch asked.

“I believe you should have your hearing checked again. You’ve been asking that question far more often than is healthy of late,” Gideon said. “I also believe you heard me quite clearly.”

“Why would you want to buy a house in Quantico?” 

“For once simple reason and that is that Spencer loves the house,” Gideon said. “It is the first place he felt was truly home and, while I realized that feeling has been tainted, I can always put the house up for sale at a later date should he not wish to return there ever again.”

Hotch shook his head. “You would buy a house just for the chance that Spencer wants to keep it?” he asked.

“That’s what you do for those you love,” Gideon said. “You will do anything for them because they are worthy of such gestures. It seems that you never learned that lesson either.”

“Let me get the house appraised and see what the current market value is,” Hotch said. “And I’ll call you back.”

“Before you do that, let me ask you a question. Has Beth ever set foot into the house?” Gideon asked.

“Once or twice,” Hotch replied, confused. “Why does that matter?”

Gideon sighed. “Then I doubt he would want anything to do with the house again,” he said. “But I will check to be certain. You continue to disappoint me, Hotch.”

“I told you that I never meant to hurt Spencer.”

“Unintended injuries are just as serious as intentional injuries, and you know that,” Gideon snapped. “I do not care what it was you intended, Aaron Hotchner, but the direct result of your actions has led to the destruction of one of the best men it has ever been my pleasure to meet. Until you can show that you recognize your fault in these actions, you will not have many friends willing to speak with you.”

Hotch winced when the phone slammed down. He didn’t realize that Gideon had a land-line at the house in Miami, and he’d forgotten exactly what being hung up on sounded like. He sighed and dropped his phone on the bed next to him. He didn’t know what he was supposed to do next.


	22. Chapter 22

Gideon came down from his office and found that Reid wasn’t in the living room with Horatio where he’d left him. “Spencer?”

“Went to bed,” Horatio said, looking up from the magazine he was reading. “I told him that I’d tell you where he is and was sure you’d be in to join him before much longer.”

“Can we go outside and talk for a minute, please, Horatio?” Jason asked.

“Of course we can, come on,” Horatio replied. He held out a hand and smiled when his lover took it. “What’s happened now?”

“I just got off the phone with Hotch,” Jason sighed. He shut the sliding door behind them and started across the deck towards the sand. “The man had the nerve to call and ask about selling the house that he’s shared with Spencer for so long. The house he kicked Spencer from.”

“What did you tell him?”

“That I would make things easy on everyone and give him a quarter of a million for it, no strings,” Jason said. He sat down and pulled his lover down next to him. “I know how much Spencer loves that house and I wanted to save it for him.”

“Do we know if he would want it or not though?” Horatio asked.

“We don’t, although I will ask him about it in the morning,” Jason said. “I’m just concerned that he’ll take any conversation about the house as my not wanting him here any longer. The worst of it is, for me anyway, that Hotch has allowed Beth into the house.”

Horatio nodded. “While my initial reaction is the same, Jason, I think that Spencer wants to stay here with us for a few years, if not longer,” he said. “Not only while he’s healing from what Agent Hotchner did to him, but also while he rebuilds himself. You and I both know that won’t happen overnight, and any thought of things happening back up north could well cause him more harm right now.”

“You’re right, and I know you’re right, but he’s lost everything else. Do I have the right to let him lose the one place he could truly call home without fighting for it for him?”

“Could it be less that it’s the house he considered his home and more that it was a place that he and Agent Hotchner made their own?” Horatio asked.

“Hotch told me how Spencer fell in love with the house the second they walked in,” Jason replied. “Hotch was less willing to get the house because there were so many problems with it, but the more he watched Spencer as they walked through the house, the more he could see how much Spencer was in love with the house, and that’s why they made the offer. Hotch did most of the repairs himself, and they were able to create a home for themselves. Much as we did when we were working upstairs.”

“If you want to buy the house from Agent Hotchner, then do,” Horatio said. “We have the money, and we could always rent it out should Spencer not want to return north.”

“Thank you,” Gideon said, leaning against Horatio. “I just can’t get past how blind Hotch is right now, Horatio. It’s like he’s a man that I’ve never known before. He is so blinded by something that he’s lashing out at everyone around him, and the more he does, the more he is driving them away.”

“I don’t think there’s anything we can do there,” Horatio said. “Agent Hotchner is a very proud, and very stubborn man. He doesn’t know how to admit that he is wrong, or that he made a mistake. I think our main concern, now, needs to be that he’ll break up with Beth and start looking to make amends with Spencer.”

Jason sighed. “I think, were Spencer to go back to Hotch, that the next betrayal would be enough to kill him,” he said. “We’re having enough problems right now to get him to eat and sleep. Think what it would be like a third time.”

“I know, but should Spencer decide that’s what he wanted, would he really listen to us if we said it wouldn’t be good for him?” Horatio asked.

“I don’t know. I don’t because matters of the heart are such a mystery to us all,” Gideon said. “Losing Spencer is my greatest fear as a parent, Horatio. Possibly even more than losing Steve, now, because I haven’t spoken to him in so long. I just know that allowing Spencer to return to a relationship with Hotch would be deadly because Hotch has shown time and again that he doesn’t learn from his mistakes with Spencer, and that he doesn’t see Spencer for who he truly is.”

“So what’s your plan of action?” Horatio asked. “What do you need me to do to help you?”

“I’ve asked David to stop poking at Hotch for a week,” Jason replied. “Allow Hotch to think without constant reminders of his actions. He either will feel faint remorse and possibly want to make amends based in truth rather than whatever it is he’s feeling now, or he will continue on as he is with Beth and Spencer will continue to heal from the betrayal.”

“We’ll get Spencer’s things into the house tomorrow and then the pair of you can paint his new office and start setting up there,” Horatio said. “I won’t be able to help as much as I’d like because we’re getting ready for our quarterly review at the lab and I have to be certain everything is in place.”

“I guess that means I’m cooking then,” Gideon said with a smile. “Is there anything I can do to help you get ready for your review?”

Horatio shook his head. “No, we’re ready, as we always are,” he said. “I just need to make sure the files are where they should be, and that the lab is as clean as possible, given that there are several cases in progress any given day.”

“You’ll pass with no problem, just as you do every quarter,” Jason said with a smile. “You have good people on your team, Horatio, and they would rather die than do anything that would hurt you.”

“I’m very lucky in the people I work with,” Horatio agreed. “Jason, Spencer didn’t ask, but do you want me to join you both tonight? See if we can help Spencer sleep a little better for a week or so?”

“That would be wonderful, thank you,” Jason said.


	23. Chapter 23

Reid awoke for the second morning in a row after sleeping through the night with no dreams or nightmares. He could feel Jason behind him again, a strong arm around him, keeping him safe while he slept. He didn’t know what to think about having Horatio in the bed with them again, but he admitted to himself that he felt far more rested than he had in years. Spencer blinked a couple of times and focused as best he could on Jason’s lover.

Horatio Caine was not a classically handsome man, but his intensity and large heart more than made up for anything those more focused on outer beauty might think was missing. Spencer had a feeling that both Horatio and Jason normally didn’t wear anything to bed, but they were both in t-shirts and shorts. Something that made him smile a little because he could recognize it as a small way of making him feel more secure.

He wasn’t sure what the two of them did sexually, but based on a few overheard conversations back when he first met Horatio and the Miami team, Reid knew that both Jason and Horatio enjoyed variety in the bedroom, and a large part of Spencer couldn’t help but feel guilty that he was coming between them, quite literally. Spencer bit back a sigh, not wanting to wake either of the older men, and turned his mind towards the crisis that had sent him running to Miami in the first place.

Spencer knew that he should be stronger, that relationships ended all the time, sometimes with one spouse cheating on the other for years before the split occurred. His own father walked out and never once looked back to see how his child managed with a sick mother. Rossi made no secret of having had three wives, and Reid had no idea how many girlfriends as well, though he didn’t think it was in Rossi’s nature to cheat. The man was so passionate about life, about people, that Reid couldn’t imagine him not focusing his whole being on whoever it was he was with at that time. They saw relationships ending all the time in their work, but Spencer never really thought it would ever happen to him. He’d thought that he and Hotch were happy together, happy enough to be together until one of them died.

“Spencer,” Horatio said softly, reaching over to touch the younger man’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay.”

“No it’s not,” Reid said, wiping his eyes. “It’s never going to be okay again.”

“I know it’s hard to believe when I tell you that it will be, but it will,” Horatio said. “There’s no way to know when you will feel that things are okay again, but one day you will.”

“How?” Reid asked.

“You find a way to love yourself again, and things will slowly start falling into place,” Horatio replied softly. “You’re not alone, Spencer, even though I know it feels like it right now.”

“I know I have Jason and you, Horatio, but it’s not the same.”

Horatio smiled gently. “No, it’s not,” he said. “You want the one person that you can’t have to give you a hug and tell you that everything will be okay again. Your very soul is missing Agent Hotchner right now, and that’s a wound that it will take a long time to heal from.”

“I feel so stupid, like I should have worked harder not to lose Aaron,” Reid admitted. “I knew what he was doing and I still lost him.”

“Spencer, have you ever considered that he’d been drifting away from you for far longer than you realized and his meeting this woman in the park was the final piece that took him away forever?” Horatio asked softly.

“Wouldn’t I have noticed that?”

“Not necessarily,” Horatio said. “Agent Hotchner has always struck me as a man that keeps things hidden very, very well, even from those that love him. I suspect he had a childhood very much like my own, if only because I see some of my own behaviors mirrored in him.”

“You’re right,” Spencer said. “His father was just like yours. I always did my best to keep an eye on him to be certain that he ate and slept so I wouldn’t lose him to a heart attack, and I still ended up losing him.”

“A man that grows up learning to hide things is a man that is very bad at letting people in close, letting people see the true person that he is deep down,” Horatio said. “It can take years, and even then, sometimes the true person will still be hidden because fear is still a driving force.”

“I’m not following you on that one,” Reid said. 

“Do you think it’s possible that you never saw Agent Hotchner’s true heart because he kept it buried away even from you?” Horatio asked softly. “Not because he was afraid you would hurt him, but from an ingrained fear he learned from the time he was old enough to walk?”

“I don’t know,” Reid admitted. “I mean, I’d like to say that I did because he loved me, but I’m not even sure of that anymore. If he really did love me, then he wouldn’t have shoved me away like he did. Is anyone going to look after him to be sure he doesn’t have a heart attack, Horatio?”

“Do you trust anyone on your old team to take over that role?”

Spencer shook his head. “Aaron won’t let his guard down around any of them,” he said.

“Then we’ll have to think about who he will let his guard down around,” Horatio said. “Now, do you feel like sleeping a little more, or do you want to go ahead and get up for the day?”

“What time is it?”

Horatio rolled enough that he could look behind him at the clock. “Just after five in the morning,” he said.

“I think I’m awake for the day,” Reid said. “Is it okay if I go ahead and take a shower?”

“Of course it is,” Horatio said. “I’ll go start some coffee and see what I can find for us for breakfast.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You still need to try to eat.”

“All right.”

Horatio waited until he could hear water running in the guest bathroom before he moved over closer to his lover. “What do you think?” he asked softly.

“I’m not certain if I want to kill Hotch or break him for what he’s done,” Gideon replied in a whisper. “The man has managed to destroy another human being, Horatio, and that makes him no better than the monsters that we hunt every day.”

“Say the word, Jason, and the problem will be gone,” Horatio said.

“Too risky,” Jason sighed. “I’ll think of something, even if it’s a way to help someone with Spencer’s amazing mind manage to forget. What are you going to make for breakfast?”

“Something light enough that Spencer won’t feel sick after eating it,” Horatio said. “Are the two of you going to start setting up his office today?”

“If he feels up to it, yes,” Gideon said. “I’ll order pizza for the team when they all get here after work to help us unload the truck.”

“They’ll enjoy that,” Horatio said. He kissed his lover and pushed up, heading for the door. “I’ll see you guys in the kitchen when you’re ready to eat.”


	24. Chapter 24

“What’s on your mind, Spencer?” Gideon asked, glancing over from where he was painting carefully around the trim and windows.

“I’m trying to figure out when I got so comfortable with Horatio that I can sleep in the same bed with him and not panic,” Reid replied. He was using a roller to carefully paint the walls. After a lot of discussion with both Horatio and Jason, he’d decided on mint green for the walls in his new office.

Jason smiled softly. “I think part of that is Horatio’s aura,” he said. “I’ve never understood it myself, but somehow Horatio radiates both calm and strength, and people pick up on that and respond to it. Even scared kids that just heard their parents murdered. He’s an amazing man that does an amazing job down here.”

“I still feel bad for needing to sleep between you,” Reid said. “I don’t want you to suffer because I’m here.”

“Spencer, one thing you will realize as you age is that sex is not nearly as important when you get to be my age as it is at yours,” Jason said. “Yes, Horatio and I do enjoy sex and the time we get to spend together, but it’s not the entirety of our relationship. The only thing we care about right now is that base fact that you’re sleeping through the night with no nightmares, and both of us are happy to be able to give you that gift.”

“I just don’t want either of you to start resenting me,” Reid said.

“We won’t ever start to resent you, Spencer,” Jason said. “I know that you’re questioning your place in the world right now, but your place is here with us for as long as you want to stay. Not how long we want you to stay, but for how long you want to stay.”

Reid nodded. “Is all of this part of finding myself again, Jason?” he asked softly.

“I believe so, yes,” Gideon replied. “Come on, let’s wrap the brush and roller up and go on downstairs for a bit. Too long in paint fumes isn’t good for anyone.”

“Does it ever get hot up here?”

“A little, in the summer, but the air conditioning combined with thick curtains on the windows helps a lot,” Jason said. “There’s times when I’ll move downstairs in the middle of the day to read or write, just to avoid the hottest time of the day, but those days are rare.”

“What about hurricanes?”

“You can ask Horatio more about those, he’s lived through several,” Jason said, leading the way down the stairs. “I usually just hunker down in the closet in the master bedroom once the storm shutters are up and wait for it all to blow over. Horatio has the harder part, he’s on-duty before, during, and after a storm.”

“The lab is all glass windows though,” Reid said. “How is that safe for anyone?”

“Storm windows,” Jason said. He went to the fridge and pulled out two smoothies he’d made before they went upstairs to start painting. “Come on, Spencer, let’s go sit outside for a bit and let our lungs clear from the paint.”

Reid followed him out onto the deck and sat down in one of the large deck chairs. “I thought latex paints were supposed to be safer for those painting with them.”

“They are, but it’s still not good to stay locked up with them all day,” Gideon said. “We’ll get the room painted in our own time. JJ was going to send down a batch of files yesterday, so they’ll be here by tomorrow or the next day. We can work on them while taking breaks to paint and put furniture together.”

“How many cases do you clear a month?”

“It depends on how much information is included more than anything else,” Gideon said. “Some months the cases are flush with information and I’m able to give the requesting department two or three possible leads for them to check out. Other months there’s not much information, so I’m not able to be nearly as much help as I’d like to be.”

“I don’t know how much help I’ll be for a while. I’m still asking myself a lot of questions, and it’s like I can’t focus on anything right now.”

“And that’s perfectly fine, too,” Jason said. “Spencer, we understand that you’re making an attempt to find yourself again, and both Horatio and I understand what that can entail. We’ve both had to do it a few times in our lives, and neither of us will push you to finish faster than you would otherwise do.”

“Does everyone go through something like this?” Spencer asked.

“No, not exactly like this, but at the same time, I think everyone will, at some point in their lives, be forced to stop and ask some difficult questions of themselves,” Gideon replied. “Sometimes it’s before or after a divorce. Sometimes it’s when a child is born. Sometimes it’s when a change in job or a move to a new city is offered. And sometimes it’s just a question of where the road is going to take you next. Everyone handles these times in their lives differently, but everyone has moments like you’re dealing with now.”

“It just seems like I’m all alone because I don’t have Aaron with me any more,” Reid said. “I’m so used to being part of a pair, of having him with me even when we’re not together, that I’m still thinking of things I want to tell him. Then I remember that I can’t do that anymore and it makes me hurt inside.”

Gideon nodded. “Anyone that’s lost a loved one will tell you that what you’re experiencing is normal, and even textbook,” he said. “What do you think about starting a diary where you write these things down in letter form? You wouldn’t have to send them, but it would be a chance for you to talk to Aaron again, even if it’s through paper.”

“If he wouldn’t see them, what would be the point in my writing them?”

“To get the words and emotions out of your body,” Jason said. “Should you want to send them though, you could. There would be no way to know if Aaron would ever read them, but you can mail them up to him if you want to.”

“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of trying to find myself without him again though? If I’m constantly writing him letters, then isn’t that the same as me holding onto him?”

“Not necessarily, no. Look at it this way, Spencer. You start writing letters, or even just short notes to Aaron now, telling him whatever it is that comes to your mind,” Jason said. “You tuck them away in an envelope to send at the end of the month and then you forget about them. Over that month, you write less and less because you have less to tell him. I think you would find that you went from constantly writing to him at the beginning of the month to a note here or there by the end.”

“What if I don’t? What if I keep writing to him constantly? I wouldn’t be able to get anything else done.”

Gideon nodded. “Which is possible at first, but I think you’re underestimating yourself, Spencer. I think that you want to heal and move forward and know that Aaron is in the past,” he said. “As much as that brings you constant pain, you know that deep in your heart. I think that you would be surprised at the outcome of the letters and, should it take a few months for the number to dwindle, then nothing is lost because you are still healing.”

“I guess I could try it,” Reid said. “I just don’t know how healthy it is.”

“Give it a go and see what happens,” Gideon said. “Now then, drink your smoothie and then take a nap. The painting project will keep.”


	25. Chapter 25

That evening, while Horatio’s team worked with Horatio and Jason to get the truck unloaded and everything upstairs, Reid stayed in the guest room. He felt guilty for not helping move his own things into the house, but he didn’t think having a panic attack around everyone would be a good idea. With a sigh, Reid turned the pack of good paper Horatio brought home with him that evening. Reid hadn’t even known that people still made such quality stationary, especially with how computers were used for everything, but he had to admit that it was a treat to see something that made him think of his mother and the better parts of his childhood.

He finally pulled out a piece of paper and put it on the clipboard Jason gave him in place of a table in the guestroom. Reid took out the pen Hotch gave him back when they first started dating and thought about what he wanted to write.

_Aaron,  
It’s about a week since I left Quantico to come to Miami and Jason. In that time I’ve realized that I still love you so deeply that I don’t think I will ever be able to not feel the hole you’ve left within my heart. I left like I did because I didn’t think I would be able to stay with the team and watch as you moved on. Possibly had children with the woman you met in the park. Watched you be happy with someone else. A part of me knows that this is silly because relationships end all the time, but Horatio tells me that it’s not silly because of the damage done to me. _

_I know how much you hate Horatio, how much you’ve hated him since the day you met him. The day you believe he stole Jason away from us, but Horatio has been better for Jason that we ever would. And now, with you tossing me out of your life with no regrets at all, I don’t wonder if you would have done the same with Jason. I do think that would have killed him. Horatio has been helping me come to terms with what happened as much as Jason is, but they have a different take on it. Probably because Horatio grew up with an abusive father and knows you better than even I could have, because the two of you have shared experiences. He says it’s possible that you never truly let me in, and I wonder if he was right? Could that be the reason you were able to toss me aside and move on as you did. You moved on without ever looking back, Aaron, and I don’t wonder if you ever truly saw the man that gave you every part of his being._

_I want to hate you for what you did. I want to hate you with everything I have left in me because you broke your word to me. You promised me that you would never leave me, Aaron, and then you did. Jason says that I’m not pathetic and I’m not poison, but it’s hard to believe when I look at my life and see that everyone I’ve ever cared about has left me behind. Even Jason, though he and I are talking about that. I’ve never once blamed him for staying in Miami with Horatio, but I can’t pretend that it didn’t hurt to have him so suddenly gone from my life._

_Jason’s the one that suggest writing letters to you. He said this could be a way for me to talk with you without having to actually speak with you. I’m going to call you one of these days because I have questions that only you can answer for me, Aaron, but not until I’ve recovered a little more. Horatio says that my soul is missing you right now, and I have to wonder if he isn’t correct. I’ve never heard it phrased like that before, but it’s definitely more than my heart missing you. I never realized how deeply I let you into my body, not just physically, but mentally as well. I think that you are in my very cells, Aaron, and I don’t think I realized how unhealthy that could be. I never expected you to leave me like you did. I had those rings and planned to ask you to spend the rest of our lives together. I’m not sure how I didn’t see you walking away in the other direction, away from me, but Horatio tells me that people who grow up in an abusive relationship often keep parts of themselves hidden away even from those that love them. I suppose it’s very possible that’s the reason I didn’t see anything. Because you never let me see the parts of you that questioned our relationship. I wonder what other things you kept hidden from me when I bared my very soul to you._

_The house we shared was the first place I truly felt was my home. The house I grew up in was a prison. I lived in fear every day that someone would figure out how sick my mom is and take me away from her and everything I knew. I sold the house after I had mom committed. I knew I wouldn’t be able to stay there because of all the ghosts that haunted it for me. Ghosts from my childhood both before and after my father abandoned us. The apartment I got when I moved to Quantico was a place for me to sleep and a place to keep my books safe. It wasn’t a place I planned to stay forever, though if we hadn’t started dating when we did, then I might have remained in that apartment. The apartment we shared for the first years of our relationship felt more like your space that I was allowed to move into. The house, when it was finished and we had everything fixed up, that was home to me. It was a place that my lover and I bought and repaired together. I knew that you didn’t like the house when we were looking at it, but I was so happy when you told me that we could make an offer on it. I’ve never been sure why you made that decision, but I could also tell that you never fell in love with the house like I did. I can’t help but wonder if maybe you were already stepping away from me when we bought the house._

_And now I’m homeless again. Jason and Horatio are letting me have the entirety of the second floor of their house as my apartment, but it’s still not the same. It’s space I’ve again been allowed to move into, not a home for me. It’s nice enough, and it’s large and open, and more space than I’ve ever had to myself, but it’s not the same. Jason’s office is up there as well, so he and I will be up there a lot working on cases together, so I won’t be alone in such a large space, but I also don’t know when I’m going to be ready to move up there._

_You probably don’t care, but I’m not suffering nightmares down here. I feel guilty for that though, because I’m sleeping between Horatio and Jason. I’m not sure what it is about Horatio, but the man makes me feel safer than I think I’ve ever felt before. Yes, even when you were holding me. Jason says that it’s Horatio’s aura, and I think I could believe that. I haven’t had a chance to sit and talk with him team, yet, to see if this is something they’ve all picked up on as well, but I do have a feeling that they’ll all tell me yes, they have. I can’t imagine anyone, well, other than you, being around Horatio for any length of time and not feeling safe._

_I’m not truly sure what it is I want to do next. I’m a profiler down to my very bones and I know that I’ll be able to work with Jason on cases that the BAU doesn’t have time to look at, but I can’t stay here forever. It’s not fair to Horatio and Jason to keep coming between them for everything. No one would take me seriously if I wanted to try and start out on my own in some sort of a consultant work, and I would never be happy in a teaching position at a university. Profiling isn’t really something that can be taught, anyway, because without an innate twist to the mind, even the smartest people on the planet cannot create accurate profiles._

_I should probably wrap this up. The house has gone quiet while I’m writing, and that means that my things are probably all inside. I should go out and tell everyone thank you for their help, but I don’t think I can be around that much noise. It’s just more than my system can handle right now. I’m not sure how to close, so I’ll just leave it like this. As much as it kills me, Aaron, I do still love you._  
*~*

Reid made his way out into the main part of the house and found Horatio and Gideon sitting curled up together on the sofa. “Are you both okay?” he asked, sitting down in the chair.

“Just tired,” Jason replied with a smile. “We weren’t allowed to help carry the boxes upstairs, but we did help get them as far as the stairs. All of your books and boxes are there, Spencer, and you can begin unpacking whenever you want.”

“Thank you for everything,” Reid said, looking down at his hands. “I still feel like I should have been out here to help.”

Horatio looked over. “Everyone understood, Spencer,” he said. “Every member of my team, for various reasons, has been exactly where you are right now, and none of them feel anything but sorrow for you and what’s happened.”

“Are you sure?” Reid asked.

“I’m positive,” Horatio replied. “When you feel like you can be around people again, Spencer, then they’ll tell you the same thing. Until then, you’re just going to have to trust me.”

“I’m not sure I know how to trust any more,” Reid said.

“You do, Spencer,” Jason said, looking over at the younger man as well. “I think you just don’t realize it right now.”


	26. Chapter 26

Horatio received a callout at three in the morning, cell phone waking all three men. He hurried to get dressed and headed out to meet up with the crime scene team. Reid finally looked over at Jason. “How frequently does that happen?” he asked.

“Not much,” Gideon replied. “The night shift at the lab is very competent, so if they’ve called for Horatio, that means that it’s possible there’s a connection into the case that they need his advice on. Horatio knows everyone in Miami, and can sometimes get tips no one else can get to.”

“It seems impossible that he knows everyone, given the size and population of Miami and surrounding areas,” Reid said. 

“You’d be surprised. I do think he knows all the major gang leaders, a fair number of the business community, pretty much every club owner worth anything in the city,” Jason said, “plus any assortment of politicians, legal counsel, and government employees. We won’t mention the federal agents he has contacts with, if only because Horatio really doesn’t like them. He just tolerates them so he can do his job.”

Reid nodded. “It would make sense for him to know as many people as possible,” he said. “I hope everything is okay.”

“If it’s not, then it will be soon,” Jason said. “Horatio will make sure of that. Now then, do you think you can go back to sleep or would you like to go up and unpack some of your boxes until you feel sleepy again?”

“I think I’m up for the day. My brain is too wired to being awake after the phone rings for any reason,” Reid said. “I don’t want you to feel like you have to stay up with me though, Jason.”

“I don’t, Spencer. I’m wired like you are,” Jason said with a smile. “Come on, let’s go see about clearing out some boxes. Normally when Horatio gets called out like this, I go up to my office and work on case notes until I start feeling tired again.”

“Do you think we’ll ever lose this training?”

Gideon followed Reid out into the hallway. “I haven’t been on-call in almost ten years, Spencer, and I still react like this,” he said. “I don’t think it’s anything you’re able to lose, no matter how many years pass.”

“But you also live with someone that has to be alert to a call at any time of the day or night,” Reid said. “So do you think that has some sort of an influence on you losing your training to be so alert?”

“I never thought of it like that,” Gideon said. “I do know that my wife never woke up when my phone would ring, but if Steve so much as coughed, she would be up and into his room before I realized what was happening.”

“That’s fairly common around parents though,” Reid said. He opened the door and headed up the stairs. “I find I have enough trouble sleeping as it is, I actually worried about missing calls when I first joined the FBI.”

“You never did though,” Jason said. “How do you want to do this, Spencer?”

“I think it will be easier to sort the books by topic, although I don’t know how much it will reduce the clutter in here, Jason,” Reid said. 

Gideon looked around the living room for the second floor and nodded. “I think you’re right, Spencer,” he finally said. “Well then, do you want to start putting your new bookshelves together first? That would eliminate some of the boxes and provide us with a place to put books that you do not want in the office with you.”

Reid nodded. “I think that’s the most logical thing to do,” he said. “Thanks for all of this, Jason.”

“Nothing else I would rather be doing for you, Spencer,” Gideon said, hugging the younger man. “I just wish that it was under better circumstances.”

“So do I,” Reid said. He went over to one of the boxes for his new shelves. “I wrote a letter to Aaron last night while Horatio’s team was here. I don’t know if I’ll ever mail it or not.”

“That’s up to you, Spencer. Should you want to mail your letters, then I’ll be happy to help you get them packaged up to go north. If you want to keep them to do something else with, then I will help you with whatever it is you wish to do.”

“Do you think I’ll ever feel settled again, Jason?”

“I don’t know, Spencer,” Gideon said. “The only thing I am sure of is that you’ll be able to find yourself again. You’re a strong young man, Spencer, and I think that maybe you’ve managed to forget that right now.”

Reid sighed. “I don’t feel strong, Jason.”

“You will, Spencer. You will.”  
*~*

Hotch lay awake in his hotel room and knew that he should be thinking about the case they were working. While most of the bodies in the burial ground did turn out to be old and buried there legally, there were five that were fresh. Or fresh from between five years and a couple of months. The team was working on DNA while trying to figure out who, if anyone from the surrounding area, was missing. Garcia, as always, was casting a wider net from back in Quantico, but so far none of them turned anything useful up to help the case progress.

His mind though was on Spencer Reid, and no matter what he did, he couldn’t get it to switch over to another topic. He knew that having Reid with them on the case would make solving it so much simpler, and quicker. Hotch didn’t realize how much information Reid could process, and how quickly he could put pieces together. He also knew it was his fault that Reid wasn’t with them, and Hotch could feel it in the looks he was getting from the team as well. They all blamed him for Reid’s absence as well, and that was making it harder for the team to work as a team.

He had thought about addressing it, the second day they were there, just about the fifth time he caught Rossi staring at him, but decided against it. Mainly because he didn’t know exactly what he should say. The team knew that they needed to focus to be able to solve the case, they were all working to the best of their ability; there was just an important piece of the team missing, and Hotch didn’t know how best to address that.

Hotch never realized the whole team knew that he and Reid had been a couple. He’d thought they managed to hide it from everyone, and knowing that not only did they fail, but that the team also seemed to know everything that happened only made it worse for him. Hotch knew he had to keep Beth away from the team, especially Rossi, because he didn’t want her to find out about Reid. He just wasn’t sure how he would do that either


	27. Chapter 27

For stupid endings for a case, Hotch had to rank the most recent up in the top ten. Their killer returned to his burial site and found the cops guarding it against that very possibility. Instead of fleeing, the man shot at the guards and died in the return volley of bullets. The local police said they would be able to get everything taken care of now that the killer was dead, so Hotch decided it wasn’t worth the argument and told the team they would leave within the hour.

Truthfully, he was glad the case was over. His mind wasn’t on work, it wasn’t on the paperwork that was sure to be waiting for him on his desk when he got back. It was on Spencer and how large a hole was missing from the team, and, if he was honest, himself as well. Hotch didn’t think that hole would ever go away, and that he did it to himself just made it that much worse. There was no possible way for him to speak with Spencer, even if he had any idea of what he would say, but he wanted to.

“Dave, stay a minute,” he said, while the team was walking to their cars.

Rossi turned and glared at Hotch. “What now?” he asked.

“Could you come over, please, Dave?” Hotch asked in reply. “I need to talk with someone that knows what all has been happening and won’t be afraid to call me an idiot when we’re talking.”

“Aaron, I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Rossi said.

“Please, Dave. I’ve got words running around my head that aren’t good and I don’t think my being alone right now is a good idea,” Hotch admitted softly.

“You’re not going to be able to convince me that you regret that you did, Aaron,” Rossi said, following the younger man towards their cars. “That’s too little too late, but yeah, I’ll come over. I just don’t know what good you think it’ll do.”

Hotch sighed. “I don’t know if I do regret that I did, Dave,” he said. “It’s possible that I’m only feeling like this because of how hard this last case was without Spencer with us.”

“That might be the most honest thing I’ve heard you say in recent months,” Rossi said. “I’ll follow you, Aaron. I haven’t been to your new house, remember?”

“Yeah, I remember,” Hotch said.  
*~*

“Do you always leave lights on like that when you’re gone?” Rossi asked, meeting Hotch by the younger man’s car.

“No, I don’t,” Hotch replied, hand going to his gun.

“Did you give Beth a key to the house?”

Hotch shook his head. “No, because I didn’t want her here if I wasn’t,” he said.

“Guess we need to see who’s home then,” Rossi said, pulling his own gun. “Kinda wish we had our vests on.”

“Take point,” Hotch said, pulling out his keys. He unlocked the front door and turned off the alarm while Rossi moved forward into the house a little.

“Hall’s clear,” Rossi whispered. “Which way, Aaron?”

Hotch glanced around the corner. “Light’s on in my office and it shouldn’t be,” he said. 

“Probably not a robbery then,” Rossi said, starting down the hall. He took up the position that would let him back Hotch and slowly turned the knob, pushing the door open on silent hinges.

“Beth?” Hotch asked, gun dropping to the side, “what are you doing here? How did you get in? I told you that my office is off-limits no matter what.”

She looked up from the desk, where papers were spread out in front of her. “I took a mold of your house key when you were asleep, Aaron,” she said. 

“Why?” Hotch asked.

“So I could have the time to look through your files,” Beth said.

Rossi, still out of sight, started to put the pieces together, and he didn’t like the picture he was getting. He sighed. Looked like he would have another mess to clean up before the night was over.

“I don’t keep anything sensitive or case related at home,” Hotch said. “It would be a security breech to do so. What are you trying to find, anyway?”

“Do you remember a young man named Bailey Thomas?” Beth asked, leaning back in Hotch’s chair.

“Of course I do. There isn’t a way to forget that man, or the people he murdered,” Hotch said, crossing his arms over his chest. He’d put his gun away when he realized that Beth was the one sitting in his office. “Bailey Thomas was a monster that should have been killed instead of convicted to life in prison for what he did to those children.”

Beth shook her head. “He never touched any of those kids,” she said. “I work for the law firm his family hired to show that there were flaws in your profile that led police to unfairly focus on Bailey while the real killer was allowed to escape. We tried to get your files and notes legally, but the Bureau refused our every request, so my boss decided that we needed to take another track to get them, and asked me to meet you in the park and see if I could put myself into your life that way.”

“There was no other killer, no matter what Thomas might have claimed,” Hotch said. “If you would study the information from the case with an unbiased eye, then you would see that Thomas had souvenirs from each of his kills, items that no one other than the killer would be able to obtain. Additionally, he confessed once in police custody and bragged about how smart he was to have killed as many children as he did before we were able to capture him.”

“That’s not what his family says, but we need your profile and notes to be able to prove that you unfairly targeted Bailey,” Beth said, standing up. “So where do you keep things like that, Aaron? In that locked room across the hall? I never did find a key to that room, no matter how hard I looked.”

The only key to Reid’s office was on a chain around Hotch’s neck. “All notes and case information are in the archives at the Bureau,” he said. “You have to go through the proper channels to obtain them, just like everyone else. I’m not sure what Thomas has told you, but he’s a pathological liar that obtains power from others believing his lies.”

“He maintains his innocence, and we believe him,” Beth said. “If you had done your job correctly, you would have found that he wasn’t anywhere near the area where the kids died.”

Rossi had heard enough, and he could tell that Hotch was about to break. He stepped into the room, gun still in hand. “Sure he wasn’t,” he said easily. “He was a good little boy that was home with his mommy when the children were found. Probably sitting at her bedside reading her the Bible. It’s you that didn’t do your homework. Those children suffered for days before they died, and just because the unsub wasn’t at the location when they finally died from the multiple injuries, including the repeated rapes, they could well have been alone. But they were visited one last time before they were located because each was cleaned up, dressed in new clothes, and positioned as if for burial, and Thomas didn’t have an alibi for those times, or the times when the children were being tortured and raped.”

“Who the hell are you?” Beth demanded.

“That doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is that you’ve fallen right into the web of a serial killer and are doing his bidding,” Rossi said. “He ask you to marry him yet?”

“How did you know that?”

“Because I was studying serial killers when you were still a baby,” Rossi said with a grin. “You’re talking to the founder of the BAU, sweetheart, and right now, you’re about four words away from dying, so pick those four words carefully.”

“You can’t kill me?”

“Can’t I? You broke into a friend’s house and was going through his personal things when I got here,” Rossi said. “I came over to make sure he was okay and found a stranger in his house, one that attacked me when I came to ask who she was. I shot in self-defense. There’s not a cop in the world that wouldn’t believe me, so ask yourself this; do you really want to push me right now?”

“Dave,” Hotch said softly.

“No, Aaron,” Rossi said. “You heard everything she said. You know what this means better than she does, and I’m done. The next step after marriage, Hotch. You know as well as I do what that is.”

Hotch sighed and nodded. “Yeah, you’re right,” he said. “I’ll call the police.”

Rossi looked back at Beth. “Sorry for this, bitch, but no one hurts my family and lives to tell the tale,” he said.


	28. Chapter 28

After the police left, and Beth’s body went with the M.E.’s office, Rossi grabbed enough clothes for Hotch for the next few days and took him to his house. Hotch didn’t need to be in that house by himself, no matter what he thought. “Aaron, talk to me,” Rossi said.

“She played me, Dave,” Hotch said softly. “She played me perfectly and I destroyed my life because of it.”

“You’re not the first one to fall for a pretty face with an agenda,” Rossi said with a sigh. “Look at me with my third wife. You know what happened there, Aaron, and how it all ended up. I still have nightmares from that time of my life.”

“But you didn’t destroy someone else in the process, did you?” Hotch asked. “You’re right, Dave, I completely shut Spencer out of my life, and didn’t care about anything anyone said because I was so blinded by the woman suddenly showering me with attention. I should have been suspicious, but I wasn’t, and I walked right into her trap.”

“Come on, let’s get you inside and get something to eat,” Rossi said. “Aaron, yeah, you screwed up so royally that I could kill you for what you did to the kid. Reid is never going to be the same because you showed him that, in time, no matter what he does, everyone he cares for leaves him. I’ll be surprised to find the kid trusting anyone other than Gideon ever again, but I guess you’re a victim in all of this too. Bloody lawyers need to learn the rules apply to them too.”

Hotch went to the island in the kitchen and sank down onto one of the stools there. He knew that Rossi would be cooking and didn’t want to shout. “What does it say about me that I walk out on the man I spent almost ten years with just because a woman starts showing me that she’s interested in me, Dave?” he asked. “Am I really that stupid?”

“I don't think that stupid is the right word, Aaron,” Rossi said with a sigh. “Neither is shallow, although I can see you thinking it. People grow apart sometimes, and that’s obviously what happened with you and Spencer. Rather than recognize what was happening and trying to fix it with him, so the two of you could continue on as a unit, you decided to leave him behind and start off on another trail with Beth. You had no way to know that she had another reason to be in your life, Aaron. I’m sure that your profile of her was as perfect as it could be.”

“She told me she worked in an office as an executive aid,” Hotch said, face hidden in his hands. “Everything in her life supported that, and I didn’t see anything that threw up flags. No unusual or unexplainable phone calls. She wasn’t ever late for dinner whenever we would meet up. Nothing.”

“She was employed in an office,” Rossi said. “Maybe even as an aid to one of the lawyers, but it sounded to me like she was a lawyer herself, probably a junior partner, that was in too deep. I bet when we talk to her employer, he has no idea about the whole trap to get to your files. This was a female’s plan, and I think that Beth was working for Thomas more than she was anyone else at this point in time.”

“How am I ever going to explain this to anyone?” Hotch asked. “I don’t mean Spencer. I know I’m never going to be able to explain it to him. I mean the rest of the team. They’re already upset with me for what happened with Reid. How do I admit to them that I was played so perfectly?”

Rossi sighed. “I’ll talk to them,” he said. “Yeah, they’re probably going to be upset with you, but I think they’ll also understand if you give them enough time.”

“What about you? Do you understand?” Hotch asked.

“I understand that you made the single worst decision you possibly could and wouldn’t listen to anyone that made an attempt to tell you that you were in the wrong,” Rossi replied. “I understand that you destroyed another human being in an attempt to find happiness with another. But yeah, I can understand being played too, Aaron. I’ll call Gideon and tell him what’s happened once we get you fed and into bed for the night. I’ll leave it up to him if he wants to tell Spencer or not, but you’re not going to be allowed to talk to or see him until he asks for it. I don’t give a damn how guilty you feel right now, I can guarantee that he feels a hundred times worse, and the last thing we need is for him to come back up here because of guilt.”

Hotch nodded. “I don’t want him to know, Dave.”

“That might be the first sensible thing you’ve said in months,” Rossi said. “Here, eat this. It’ll make you feel better.”  
*~*

Once he had Hotch settled into the guest room for the night, Rossi took his phone outside onto the deck and called Gideon. “Jason.”

“Hello, David, what can I do for you tonight?”

“I just wanted to let you know that Beth is dead,” Rossi said. “Turns out she was working for a lawyer that was trying to show that the BAU railroaded their client and the true serial killer is still out there.”

“How did she die?” Gideon asked.

“I shot her in the head,” Rossi replied. “I’m not stupid enough to let anyone rushing at me in a fury get in close, especially when they’ve got a weapon in their hand.”

“And did she have the weapon when she rushed at you, David?”

Rossi snorted. “Yep. She picked up Hotch’s letter opener,” he said. “Jason, Hotch is beating himself up over this whole thing. I know we’ve been trying to keep him from casting himself as a victim, but it turns out that’s exactly what he is.”

“Does he truly feel regret for what he did, David, or does he feel regret for what it is he lost through his actions?”

“I think it’s lost through actions, but you know how he is. Getting a true read on his feelings through a profile is impossible,” Rossi sighed. “He did say that he doesn’t want Reid to know what happened, and I have to agree with him.”

“I do as well. There is nothing to be gained, right now anyway, allowing Spencer to learn that he was part of an elaborate scheme to discredit Aaron in court,” Gideon said. “We’ve almost come to the point where he can sleep through the night without both of us in bed, and this knowledge would set him back badly.”

“He still doesn’t want to talk with any of us, does he?”

“Not at this time, no,” Gideon said. “I believe that he is doing his best to heal himself, but he seems to do best in silence, or with me and Horatio with him. I do not know when, if ever, he will be able to speak with his old team again.”

“If he ever will,” Rossi said. “I’m going to go talk with the lawyer in the morning and let him know his plan failed, if it even was his plan. Beth claimed she was engaged to the serial killer, and we know what that usually means.”

“She was so deeply in his web that she would do anything he asked of her,” Gideon said. “Take care of Aaron for the next few days. He will be blaming himself badly.”

“He already is,” Rossi said with a sigh. “I’m still mad at him for what he did to the kid, Jason, but I’m not going to lose him too.”

“Good. Let me know what happens with the lawyer, please, David,” Gideon said. “It’s quite possible that Horatio might have a few things to say about it when he find out.”

“He’s not there?”

“No. He was called to a case at three this morning and he hasn’t been back since,” Gideon said with a small sigh. “I’m not sure when I’ll see him next.”

“Must be a bad one then. At least tell Spencer I called to ask about him,” Rossi said. “I don’t want him to think that I’ve forgotten about him.”

“I will. Call me tomorrow, please, David, when you’re finished with the lawyer,” Gideon said. “I’m curious to see what he has to say.”

Rossi grinned. “I am, too,” he said.


	29. Chapter 29

_Aaron, it’s morning, or at least I think it is. The room is still dark, but that’s because I haven’t opened up the curtains yet. Jason is up and moving around, but Horatio is working longer than usual hours at the lab right now, so Jason isn’t sleeping as well as he should be. I can tell that he’s worried, but he’s trying so hard not to show that worry to me, that I haven’t said anything._

_We all woke up at three yesterday morning when Horatio’s phone rang and he had to leave to meet up with one of his teams. Somehow I didn’t understand what it meant for him to be the Lieutenant at the lab, but it means that he is the supervisor for all shifts. He has others that help him out, but ultimately, the lab really is his, and he cares for it as much as he does his family. Neither Jason nor I was able to get back to sleep after a phone call, so we went upstairs to start putting some of my new things together. I’ve got bookcases for both the living room area and my new office, once the walls are finished. Jason and I are slowly getting them painted and I like the color. It’s sort of a mint green, but when the sun is in the room, it almost looks blue. I’m not sure how the paint does that, but it makes me feel something I thought was gone forever. It might be happiness, but I’m not certain. It’s been so long since I remember being happy that I don’t know how to identify that emotion any longer._

_Part of me wishes you could see the new space I’m going to be living in. Horatio and Jason did the work themselves to open up the second floor of their house and they’re giving it to me for as long as I want to stay with them. I have thought about returning to Quantico and the house we shared, but there’s too many ghosts there for me to survive living there again. Ghost of times we spent there together. It’s bad enough that I can never forget anything, so I have to remember every second of our lives together when, now, the only thing those memories bring me is pain. I should have known better than to give myself over so completely to you, but I had foolish hope that maybe I would finally be able to get something I yearned for all my life. Someone that loved me for who I was, not what I could do, and wanted to stay with me for the rest of their lives. I still don’t know how I didn’t understand that you didn’t love me as I loved you. I don’t know what small clue I missed, that I keep missing, that causes everyone I care for to leave me. I don’t understand what it is about me that makes everyone in my life leave me._

_I have a new office, as I said, and it’s right next to Jason’s. He’s expecting a package from JJ today or tomorrow with some new cases in it, and we’ll work in his office until mine is finished. I can already sort of see how it will be laid out. Jason is looking for some old-school maps for me to hang up along one wall. Maps to help with my work with geographical profiles on cases that we’re working together. Another wall with be all bookcases with a couple of pictures above them. I think the wall with the maps will also have a dry erase board on it. Jason has one in his office, and it would be a help. My desk is going to face the large window that looks out over the ocean. I still don’t see the attraction the water has for Horatio, but there is beauty out that window. I’ve never lived close to the ocean before and think I’ll enjoy seeing it whenever I’m in my office._

_It was hard sleeping last night without Horatio in the bed with me, but I think I managed okay. The man does have an aura that makes me feel safe, but I’ve realized that the same aura is also in the walls of the house, which makes a certain sense because he’s lived here for so long, and I felt more comfortable once I realized that. I’m not sure when, if ever, I’ll be ready to sleep alone again, but I might try to convince Jason that I’m okay before I really am so he can go back to his lover. I do feel guilty coming between them like I have. It’s not fair of me to take up all their time, no matter what Jason says about their ages and sex. I know that cuddling is just as important to a relationship as sex, and they haven’t been able to cuddle as much because of me. I miss being able to cuddle up to you, Aaron. I miss everything about you, and I hate that I can’t start to move on because these memories and everything I miss about you will never fade. It all remains as clear as the day it happened, just as cases do for me. Maybe I can figure out a way to shelve things in my mind. As long as it feels like a part of my soul is missing, I’m never going to be able to heal. I don’t think I ever want another relationship. Not with you and not with anyone else. I do know that I wouldn’t be able to stand watching someone else walk away from me. That’s all I’ve been able to do in my life, watch as everyone I care about walks away from me. I know Mom didn’t go by choice, and Jason went by necessity, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t hurt. I still hear Mom screaming as she realized that I was leaving her with the very people that terrified her. I don’t think she’s ever forgiven me for what I did, even if I know that I did it for her own good._

_I don’t know if it would have been any easier for me if you had been honest with me. I still don’t know exactly when it was you stopped seeing me in front of you. When you started seeing a future that no longer included me at your side, but I don’t know if I ever want to know. I don’t know how I can still love you so much and want never to see you again at the same time._


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really stretching reality here.

Rossi never wore a full suit, not even to court, but he put on one of his more expensive shirts and jackets before heading out to talk with the lawyer that Beth worked for. Hotch had called in sick for the day and was going to stay at Rossi’s house until he was able to find out exactly what the lawyer was plotting.

The office screamed money, and Rossi had to wonder how a serial killer, or his family, would come into contact with anyone that obviously handled higher end cases. He tucked his sunglasses into the inner pocket in his blazer and went up to the desk. “Hi, I need to speak with someone about one of your employees,” he said, pulling out his badge. “A Beth Clemmons.”

“That would be Mr. Adams, but he’s in a meeting,” the woman said.

“Give him a call anyway and tell him the FBI is here waiting for him,” Rossi said. 

“What is this in reference to?” she asked, not picking up the phone.

“I told you, it’s about one of your employees,” Rossi replied. “Trust me when I tell you that you do not want to keep me waiting on this one.”

“This is a private office.”

He nodded. “Yeah, it is, and one of your employees was found illegally in an agent’s house last night searching through his files,” Rossi said. “Now we can go two ways on this. One, you get on the phone and call Mr. Adams and tell him I’m here to talk to him, or I go back to the Bureau and talk with our lawyers and get them involved before trying to interview anyone here. Do you really think your office would survive a lawsuit from the FBI?”

The lady might have been good, but Rossi had been playing the game far longer than she had. “Good choice,” he said, when she picked up the phone.

“He’ll be right out,” the woman said a minute later.

“Thought so,” Rossi said. “Thanks for your help. I’ll just wait over here. You might want to note that he has five minutes to get out here before I start getting nasty.” He turned away from the desk and headed over to a small area with chairs and magazines set out. Rossi settled into one of the chairs and picked up a home repair magazine and flipped it open. He noticed the receptionist back on the phone and bit back a grin. Some people really would believe anything they were told.

Just under five minutes later, a young man appeared from the back of the room. “I’m Tom Adams,” he said. “You wanted to speak with me.”

“Supervisory Special Agent David Rossi with the FBI,” he said, standing up. “Yeah, I think we need to have a talk about one of your people, and you’re not going to want to do it in public.”

“This way.”

Rossi followed along behind the young man and noticed a flushed young woman sitting at a desk right outside the office he was led into. He bit his lip to keep from smiling, and filed that small piece of information away for future use. “Mr. Adams, are you the one that employed Beth Clemmons in this office?” he asked, sitting down without being asked.

“Beth? She was a junior lawyer under my supervision, yes,” Adams said. He sat down behind his desk. “Why do you ask?”

“Are you, or your firm, representing serial killer Bailey Thomas or his family in an attempt to prove that he was wrongfully convicted by the FBI?” Rossi asked.

“My client list is confidential,” Adams said.

Rossi shrugged. “I can always get a court order to find out,” he said. “Especially since we found Beth in the home of one of our agents searching through his personal paperwork. When confronted, she claimed that she was told by her office to seduce the agent to get to his files on the case.”

“I’m sorry, what?” Adams asked.

“You heard me just fine the first time,” Rossi said. “She also attacked both myself and the agent in question when caught going through the files.”

“She hasn’t come in yet this morning, but this isn’t in her nature,” Adams said.

“You won’t be seeing her,” Rossi said. “She was killed last night during the attempt to stab both myself and the agent that she claimed you told her to go and seduce because you were unable to obtain Bureau files legally.” He crossed his legs and leaned back in the chair. “So now the question becomes very easy. How much do I tell the Bureau lawyers when I go to tell them about this, and how much do I tell the Bar association when I make the phone call to tell them about how you’re practicing law.”

“Hold on a minute, Agent Rossi, please,” Adams said, holding up a hand. “Yes, Beth worked here, but we never told her to seduce anyone, case related or not. I’m not even sure why she would say something like that. Bailey Thomas’s family did approach us about defending him, showing that he was wrongfully convicted, but the senior partners and I reviewed the case and found there was no evidence of a wrongful conviction and told the family that we would not be able to help them. That was the end of the matter as far as our firm was, and is, concerned.”

Rossi nodded slowly. “So you’re claiming that Beth acted completely on her own for everything that happened,” he said. “And you know nothing about her communications with Thomas, her engagement to him, and her seduction and attempted assault of federal agents involved in the original case against Thomas.”

“That’s the truth,” Adams said.

“I’m not sure I believe that or not,” Rossi said. “For her to be doing all of this without anyone she worked with picking up on her actions, that would be a lot of hiding on her part.”

“I didn’t know anything about it,” Adams said. “None of us did. Beth worked smaller cases for us and we trust her enough to manage her own time between active defenses. If she was planning to work with Bailey Thomas, or his family, then it was a decision she made without telling any of us.”

“Did Beth have her own office here?”

“A small one in the back, yes,” Adams said. “I can’t let you in without some sort of search warrant.”

“Oh, didn’t I say?” Rossi asked, reaching into his jacket. “I’m sorry, I should have. You’ll notice that the warrant also specifies all phone records for your office for the past eight months and the entirety of the contents of Beth’s office. I’ve got agents downstairs waiting for me to call them up here to take over the search.”

“The office itself is innocent in this matter,” Adams said.

“I doubt that,” Rossi said. He stood up. “You might want to zip up your fly before you meet with anyone else.”


	31. Chapter 31

“Well?” Hotch asked as soon as Rossi was through the door.

“Tom Adams, just below senior partner in the law firm, is sleeping with his private secretary in his office,” Rossi said, heading towards his bedroom to change into a different shirt. “He’s married with three kids, no police record of any sort, and the secretary is pregnant. She’s also got a ring on, so it’s possible she’s cheating as well, but I didn’t see any pictures on her desk to tell me about her personal relationships.”

“Dave, that’s not what I meant,” Hotch said, leaning against the door frame.

Rossi nodded. “I didn’t go near Beth’s office because I didn’t want to risk anyone saying I added evidence because I’m the one that shot her and I wanted to prove what she was doing,” he said. “I called Emily and she’s going to take care of the evidence for us. Out of everyone, I think she’s the best choice. She’s also going to send some agents over to Beth’s apartment and get them to search there, once the warrant comes through.”

“So we don’t know if the firm told Beth what to do, or if it was the serial killer playing puppet-master with her,” Hotch said with a sigh.

“We’ll figure it out,” Rossi said. “Even if I have to go and talk with the bastard in a prison interview, I’ll find out for you. Hungry?”

“Not really, but that usually doesn’t stop you,” Hotch said.

“Food is good medicine for the soul,” Rossi said, heading back towards the kitchen in a simple cotton button-up shirt. “You never did eat enough, Aaron.”

“Are you going to start mothering me now?”

“Do I need to?”

“Of course not.”

Rossi sighed. “You are more stubborn than is healthy for a human to be,” he said. “You need to figure out what you really felt for Beth before the guilt of not seeing what she was up to destroys you.”

“I thought I loved her,” Hotch admitted. “Jason warned me, when I was in Miami, and I thought he didn’t know what he was talking about.”

“What did he say?”

“He told me that I would lose Beth within a year because of work,” Hotch said. “Jason said that it didn’t matter how amazing the woman was, she would eventually grow to resent how much time I spent at work and leave me.”

“It’s possible he was wrong,” Rossi said. He handed Hotch a root beer. “You are not drinking alcohol when you’re in this sort of mood. Then again, I thought my wives would stay with me and look what happened. I don’t know if it’s possible to date and love anyone that isn’t also in the same line we are, Aaron, and that has its own problems.”

Hotch nodded with a sigh. “You don’t have to tell me about that,” he said. “Although I did unfairly project my own feelings onto Reid near the end. Do you think there’s any hope that he could recover some day, Dave?”

“I doubt it,” Rossi sighed. “Aaron, think for a minute about Spencer Reid and his past. How many people has he loved in his life? Truly loved.”

“His parents, although I know that he hates his father now. Jason, and me,” Hotch said.

“And how many of those people does he still have in his life?”

“Jason,” Hotch said. “It’s possible an argument could be made for his mother, but her medications keep her in her own world more often than not.”

“So what lesson has Spencer learned in his life?” Rossi asked. “A lesson learned from constant repetition no matter how hard he tries.”

“I’m not sure what you mean.”

Rossi slammed the pot down on the stove, making Hotch jump. “You know exactly what I’m talking about so don’t you dare take that tone with me, Aaron Hotchner,” he snapped. “Every single person that Spencer Reid has ever loved with all his heart has walked away from him. He has a perfect memory. He is physically and mentally incapable of forgetting anything. That means that he has to watch the people he loved walk away from him over and over again, mixing in with the horrors he witnessed on the job. Horrors that he suffered himself whenever he’s been abducted, held against his will, or injured in the line of duty. His heart is no longer whole because every person that walked away from him took a piece of that wonderful young man with him. And you ask if it’s possible for him to ever recover from what’s happened to him. I think it’s a miracle that he went to Gideon instead of killing himself when you left him.”

“He’s not completely innocent,” Hotch said, temper starting to show.

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Rossi said. “Reid was too scared of you walking out on him to do anything except for bend over backwards to keep you happy. What do you think would happen if he walked into the room right now and you asked to tie him to the bed? Would he let you do it?”

Hotch deflated. “Yes.”

“Even though restraints scare him badly, he would let you tie him up because he does not know how to tell you no,” Rossi continued. “Even with that sexual contract the two of you drew up, how strictly did Reid keep to his half of the agreements? Did he ever tell you no when you asked him for something?”

“No.”

“Of course not, because he was scared to lose you,” Rossi said. “There is no way you are ever going to convince me that Spencer Reid ever did anything other than love you with every part of his being. Tell me how that could possibly drive anyone to cheat.”

“Have you ever been the center of anyone’s universe before, Dave?” Hotch asked. “It’s exhausting.”

“That boy worshiped the ground you walked on, but I seriously doubt he did anything to smother you,” Rossi said. “Did he demand your attention every second of every day?”

“No.”

“Did he talk constantly and bury you in words?”

“No.”

“Did he demand sex every night or more often than you felt like?”

“No.”

“Then tell me how it’s exhausting,” Rossi snapped.

“It just is.”

Rossi shook his head. “That sounds like an excuse to me,” he said. “My guess is that Reid did his best to make sure you were happy and able to relax away from work because you have a very stressful job. He probably cooked and cleaned and did the wash so you wouldn’t have to worry about any of it. What did you do around the house?”

“I managed the money and did any repairs that needed to be done,” Hotch said.

“Did you ever help clean the house? Do the laundry? Cook?”

“Probably not as much as I should have,” Hotch admitted with a small sigh.

“It’s like pulling teeth,” Rossi grumbled. “You were the love of that young man’s life, the one he wanted to marry and spend the rest of his life with even though he took better care of you than you took of him. That’s the only life he knew because he grew up caring for his mother because she was sick, so he wouldn’t have known any better. You took all that love and care he lavished on you over the years and threw it back at him, and then have the nerve to blame him for the split. I still feel like shooting you, and conversations like this don’t make the feeling go away.”

“Dave, what about dinner?” Hotch asked as Rossi stormed towards the door.

“Fix it yourself,” Rossi snapped. “It’s time for you to grow up.”


	32. Chapter 32

“Hey there,” Horatio said, sitting down next to Reid out on the beach, “Jason said you have something on your mind that you wanted to ask me about.”

“I didn’t mean the second you got home, Horatio,” Reid said, glancing over. “I’m sorry, you’ve been working for two days straight. You probably need some sleep.”

“Sleep can wait. Jason wants to feed me first anyway,” Horatio said with a small smile. “If I go to sleep now, I’ll be awake all night and not able to function properly tomorrow. What’s on your mind?”

Reid sighed. “How did you deal with losing your parents and Speed?” he asked.

“I was strong in public because it was expected of me,” Horatio replied softly. “With my parents, if not for the 911 operator being on the line and willing to step up, I might have been charged with murder for my father. I was forced to hold my head up, to not be seen to be angry, sad, upset; anything that could or would be used against me. My younger brother never forgave me that day, Spencer. He was close to our father, far closer than I ever realized, and he always did blame me for that loss to our family.”

“So you did lose your whole family that day,” Reid said. “I’m sorry for bringing up painful memories for you, Horatio.”

Horatio reached over and wrapped an arm around Reid’s shoulder. “They’re only painful if I give them that power, and I’ve lived with them long enough that they don’t have that hold over me any more,” he said. “Yes, I lost my family that day, but Raymond, he eventually came down here and married and was able to pretend well enough that his wife and child became family for me again. My lab team has become my family, and recently both you and Jason have become family for me. Spencer, you need to remember that family is what you make it, not what it makes you.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Think about your team for a minute. Are they coworkers, friends, or family?” Horatio asked.

Reid leaned up against Horatio and looked out at the ocean. “I don’t know that I would call them family, but they’re probably the closest thing I have to a family,” he finally said. “Aaron was my family, the one that I wanted to create a unit with, maybe even adopt children some day.”

“So they’re more than friends but not quite to family,” Horatio said. “Do you miss them, being down here like you are?”

“Not nearly as much as I thought I would,” Reid said. “Morgan would be constantly nagging at me to go and talk to Aaron about things. He would want to know if I was eating and sleeping and what I’d done to try and make things right. Rossi would be watching everything and talking to me when I needed him to, but not really coming to me to talk. JJ and Garcia would just be staring at me all the time and not saying anything. And Emily would probably have punched Aaron a few times by now, but violence isn’t the answer to this problem.”

“I have to say that it sounds like a family to me,” Horatio said with a fond smile. “Even if they are a little overbearing. Did Jason ever tell you how my team found out that he and I were dating?”

Reid shook his head. “No.”

“It wasn’t long after you left the office on that serial killer case when Jason was telling you that he was taking time away from the team to heal,” Horatio said. “Jason and I were sitting together on the sofa, kissing, when Calleigh came running in to let us know that she had a name. She told the others and every one of them took a minute to talk with both me and Jason to be certain that the relationship was what we both wanted, and to let Jason know that they would kill him if he ever hurt me. That was his official welcome to the team family.”

“Death threats?” Reid asked, looking puzzled.

“Not threats, just warnings to remind me to be careful with Horatio’s heart,” Jason said from behind them. He sat down and leaned forward to rest his chin on Horatio’s arm around Reid’s shoulder. “The lab family down here is fiercely protective of their own, Spencer, and I would not be surprised to find that included you now.”

“But I don’t know any of them well enough,” Reid said.

“No, but you’re hurting from a vicious betrayal and every member of my team has been exactly where you are,” Horatio said. “They all understand how important silent support is while you’re attempting to rebuild yourself, Spencer. I can guarantee that if you called the lab and asked, they would all come over as soon as they could to talk with you.”

“I still don’t want to see anyone,” Reid said. “I don’t know why, but I just don’t think I can handle talking with anyone else right now.”

Jason sighed. “It’s because you’re refinding yourself, Spencer,” he said. “Just as you did after you were kidnapped, and again after you were shot. You’re finding pieces of yourself that you probably didn’t even know were broken off from the whole and attempting to fit them back into place, and any external noise not of your choosing is a distraction from what you’re attempting to do for yourself.”

“What’s going to happen to me?” Reid asked.

“You’ll stay here until you feel like you can be on your own, or you’ll stay with us for the rest of your life,” Gideon replied. “The choice is yours, Spencer. Horatio and I both love having you here and would welcome you into our lives forever if that’s what you want.”

“I don’t want to intrude,” Reid said.

“You’re not. I know it feels like you are right now, but you’re not,” Horatio said. “The only thing you need to worry about is how much you’re sleeping and eating, Spencer. You focus on yourself and don’t worry about anyone else right now, okay? Let Jason and me worry about that.”

“I don’t know if I can.”

Jason wrapped an arm around both men and squeezed. “Just do the best you can, Spencer,” he said. “In this and in life, just do the best you can. That’s all we’re ever going to ask of you.”


	33. Chapter 33

_Aaron, it’s getting dark outside, so I know it’s night, but I’m not sure what time it is. I’m upstairs in a bedroom that has this huge skylight directly over the bed and I can see so many stars lying here. It’s peaceful in a way I haven’t experienced before. Horatio and Jason are having some personal time at my insistence and I came up here to put some of my books away, but I don’t feel like working on that project right now. I know I’ll get them put away eventually, but right now it’s not what I want to be doing._

_Horatio told me a little more of his past today. He killed his father. Not intentionally, I don’t know that even he would be able to do that, but the man still died at Horatio’s hands. He lost his mother that day, too. The father was beating his mother in the kitchen and Horatio pulled them apart. His mother died from her wounds and his father died because he tripped when Horatio threw him backwards. He also lost his brother that day. The whole family gone in an instant, and he was alone in the world. Completely isolated from everyone around him because everyone thought that he murdered his father after his mother was dead._

_I hadn’t realized that Horatio really did understand what it means to lose everything and everyone in your life. I knew that Jason did, after what happened with his wife and Steve, but I didn’t realize that Horatio did as well. It’s really made me reconsider a few things I’d thought about him before coming down here. I’m amazed that he goes out every day and gives so much of his heart to his team, his work, and his community. I don’t know how he manages to stay as he is when he gives so much to everyone else. He’s so brave to open his heart like he does and I wish I was strong enough to know that I can do the same._

_That he’s also lost a lover to a violent end makes me wonder over and over again how it is that Horatio hasn’t withdrawn from everything around him. I know there are various ways to withdraw from the world and it’s possible that he used a few of them, but it’s also very obvious that it’s in the past and he’s not using any of them any longer. I know that having Jason with him has been a huge help in enjoying life again. They are so perfectly matched that it makes me ache because I thought I had that same perfect match in my own life. That I had one that loved me as much as I loved him. I really thought that we would be together for the rest of our lives, Aaron, and I’m still not sure how I didn’t realize that you didn’t want the same thing._

_I always did my best to talk to you honestly about what I felt, what I wanted in life, but I guess even with me doing my best to talk with you, you would have had to have heard what I said for the conversation to truly work. I’ve been asking myself when it was that you disengaged from me. I know that you weren’t as present mentally for a couple of months before you met that woman, but I thought it was a case we were working that held your attention so completely. Those were the months where we had the serial killer roaming through the mid-west and none of us were able to pin down a profile on him. I thought your focus was on work, on the case, and only now have realized that it might not have been. Do you even remember my asking you what you wanted to do for our anniversary if we had the time to plan? I wanted to take you on a small vacation, away from work. Away from the cares and worries that weighed you down so badly every day._

_My biggest fear was losing you to a heart attack or a stroke, Aaron. Two things that I would never be able to control, other than trying everything possible to help you relax and eat healthy foods whenever we were at home. I never dreamed that you would willingly turn and walk out of my life without a glance backwards._

_I tried so hard to keep up with you, Aaron. From the first days I was in the unit, I realized that you expected so much from me that I wasn’t able to give. I barely made it through training, and had a broken arm from the rope climb breaking on me during my final exams there. Jason later found out that a couple of my classmates had weakened the climb enough that it would break under me. I don’t know what happened to those two, but Jason was livid. People tend to suffer when Jason is livid. Then suddenly, there I was. A kid in a unit with a boss that demanded the best in everything, and I couldn’t manage it. I could barely talk I was so scared that you would dismiss me from the team, even if Jason wanted me there. Do you remember that I couldn’t look you in the eye for nearly half a year because you scared me so badly? If not for Jason and Morgan, I think I might have quit. Just walked away from the Bureau and found another job, one where I could use my talents to do some good. Teaching, maybe, or research with another Bureau in D.C. I don’t know, but something where I didn’t have to see the disappointment in your eyes every time you asked me to do something and I wasn’t able to perform._

_I know that shooting and my lack of skill with a gun was a huge problem with you. Even though Jason rarely carried his gun and I wanted to be like him, to work in the departments rather than go out to the crime scenes. Jason was the ideal that I worked towards, and I wonder now if that made you more upset than even you realized back then. If you already considered me as yours and you were jealous of the attention I paid to Jason. He’s always been a father figure to me, except for those weeks when he came into our relationship sexually. That messed me up badly. I had the man that I’d considered a father suddenly wanting me as a sexual partner and I didn’t know how to separate my emotions. I’m so glad that he didn’t end up as a third in our relationship, and that I have him back as a father now. I think that’s the best place for him to be._

_I’ve asked not to talk with anyone. I think I’ve mentioned that a few times before, but that includes the people back up at Quantico. So I don’t know what’s happening with the team, how you’re doing, but I do wonder if you’re suffering or if you’re happy. Have you moved forward in your new relationship with that woman? Does she make you happy like I don’t? What does the team think of her? I know these aren’t healthy questions to ask, or thoughts to have, but I don’t know how not to have them. I’ve still got an Aaron-shaped hole in my heart and I don’t know how to fill it again._


	34. Chapter 34

“Jason, can I ask you a favor?” Reid asked from the doorway to Gideon’s office.

“Of course you can, Spencer,” Gideon replied. “Come on in and sit down. What do you need?”

“I want to send my letters to Aaron,” Reid said. “When I reread them I realized that I’ve been healing, just like you and Horatio told me I would, even if I wasn’t aware of it, and I want him to see what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling.”

Gideon leaned back in his chair and looked at the young man across from him for a long moment. “What else are you hoping to accomplish by sending the letters to Hotch?” he finally asked.

“Part of me thinks that in mailing these, I’ll be able to move past the emotions and thoughts I put into them,” Reid said. “I know that I’m never going to be able to forgive or forget what happened to me, but maybe by sending these away, I’ll be able to put those more open and raw emotions behind a door and not have to live with them every day.”

“That’s a very good answer, Spencer,” Gideon said with a smile. “I don’t know if it will be as easy as you’re hoping it will, but I am glad to know that you feel you’re healing from the wounds you suffered to your soul. Let’s get those into a larger envelope and I’m sure that Horatio will put them in the mail for you in the morning when he goes to work.”

“Actually, that was the other part of the favor,” Reid said. “Could we maybe go to the post office and mail them ourselves?”

“Are you sure you’re ready to be out around people again, Spencer? I know you went shopping with us for your bookshelves and desk, but you made the request for silence to be able to think,” Gideon said. 

“I’m not sure that I’m ready to talk with anyone I know, but I want to at least try to be out in public,” Reid said. “I still don’t know what I want, or where I’m going, but I refuse to become my mother. I’m not going to hide away from society for the rest of my life.”

Gideon smiled. “All right, Spencer,” he said. “Let’s get those packaged up and we’ll go run your errand. If you feel up to it, let’s stop in at the store and pick up a few things we need for the house as well.”

“Thanks, Jason,” Reid said with a smile.  
*~*

That afternoon, when Reid was upstairs working with his books, Jason took his phone out onto the back deck and called north. “David, it’s Jason,” he said. “What’s going on with Hotch?”

“I’m ready to kill him,” Rossi said. “The man is acting like a child and it’s making me so mad that I can’t be in the same room with him right now. The house is on the market, Jason. I know that there was some talk about Spencer maybe wanting it, but Hotch just put it up for sale.”

“That’s fine. Spencer has said that he couldn’t return to it even if he wanted,” Gideon said. “I wanted to give you a slight warning there’s a package on the way to Quantico that will either make Aaron madder than he is at the moment, or it will drive home what he’s done.”

“What is it?” Rossi asked.

“A set of letters that Spencer wrote him. It’s a type of personal therapy I told Spencer to use, and he has been. I think there was a total of ten letters in there. Just things he wants to tell Hotch and can’t because of the circumstances surrounding their break-up,” Gideon replied. “I haven’t read them, so I don’t know what specifically is in the letters, but Spencer himself said that he feels as if the letters show that he is healing, and I’m not going to question him on that.”

“How’s Spencer doing?” Rossi said. “I keep wanting to call and talk to him, but I want to respect the boundaries he put in place for himself. We’re all worried about him.”

Jason sighed. “I wish I could say that he’s healing quickly, but that would be a lie,” he said. “He still sleeps better if both Horatio and I are in the bed with him, but he’s okay with just me or Horatio if both of us cannot be there for any reason. He went out to run a couple of errands with me today, at his request. I’m not sure how he’s feeling now, he vanished upstairs quickly when we returned home, but I have hope working with his books will help settle his mind down again.”

“Is he talking with anyone other than you and Horatio?” Rossi asked. “I’m not trying to say the two of you aren’t good for him, but is he able to handle contact with others?”

“Not quite yet, but I have hope that he’s heading in that direction,” Jason said. “There’s a member of Horatio’s team that’s about to have her first child and will be on leave for several weeks after the birth. Spencer knows her from many years ago, and Calleigh is a gentle soul. I’m going to see if she’ll bring the baby over and just visit with us for a day.”

“Jason, you know that Spencer doesn’t like children.”

“I do, but I like children and would have fun with the baby while Calleigh and Spencer spent time together,” Gideon said. “Horatio is going to be a godfather for this little one, so I want to get to know them as well.”

“You don’t know what it is, do you?”

“They chose not to find out, but the baby will be adored either way,” Jason said with a smile. “I promise I’ll let you know when Spencer says that he feels he can speak with others again. I think, even if he isn’t aware of it, he misses you and Morgan quite a lot. He just can’t handle Morgan’s nagging.”

“Derek does have the mother hen routine down to an art,” Rossi agreed with a small smile. “Jason, please tell Spencer that I miss him both on the team and as a friend. I know I never really showed him how much I do care about him, and I’m hoping I haven’t lost the chance to be able to do that.”

Gideon sighed. “I’ll tell him, David, but I don’t know how he’ll take it,” he said. “He is still asking a lot of questions.”

“Aren’t we all?” Rossi said.

There was nothing Gideon could say to that. Rossi had a point.


	35. Chapter 35

“So it’s looking like Beth was in regular contact with our serial killer even before the family approached Beth’s law firm to ask for help with a retrial,” Emily said, handing a folder to Rossi. “In her letters she talks to him about their success rate in the firm and how good it would be to have him out of prison.”

“How often did she go and visit him?” Rossi asked.

“The prison wouldn’t let her in, but it looks like she tried at least four times to find a way around that rule,” Emily replied. “I’m not sure if she’s the one that initiated contact, but it’s pretty obvious that she was in too deep too fast to know what was happening to her.”

Rossi sighed. “From what I remember of the case, Thomas was a master at manipulation, especially of women,” he said. “I don’t think he would have been able to find Beth because the prison wouldn’t have been allowing him any computer access beyond what he needed to type, but it’s possible he picked her letter out as someone he could use to his own ends.”

“It was also his suggestion that Beth get close to Hotch,” Emily said. “Beth wasn’t smart enough to get rid of the letters, or wipe her computer, so we have both sets for the full correspondence.”

“That makes more sense than anything else I’ve heard so far in this case,” Rossi said. “I’d like to see the letters, Emily. I’m curious to see exactly what they talked about, and how far under his control Beth fell before her death.”

“If this was the movies, I think she’d be working out a way to bake him a cake with explosives or a file in it,” Emily said. She pulled out another folder and handed it over. “These are copies of copies. The lab has all the originals and are slowly reviewing them for all the evidence possible.”

“Right now I just need the words to see if I can figure out what they weren’t saying to each other, as well as what they did say,” Rossi said. “We need to make sure that Thomas isn’t able to do this again, Emily. He’s hurt enough people, enough families, that he needs to be stopped for good.”

Emily snorted. “Yeah, and he’s only got about fifteen more years of appeals before they even start considering his sentence,” she said. “The man should have died before we could arrest him, Dave. It would have made things a hell of a lot easier on everyone.”

“That’s true, and I had the same thought myself,” Rossi said. “The prison already has to keep Thomas locked away from everyone because of the nature of his crimes. I don’t think he’ll live much longer in prison.”

“You think they’ll manage some prison justice? I dunno, Dave. It would be awfully convenient if he died right now.”

“It would, wouldn’t it?” Rossi asked with a small smile. “Still, the man deserves everything that they’ll do to him before his death, whenever that should be.”

“I don’t want to know,” Emily said. She picked up the rest of her folders and headed towards the door. “Do you think Hotch is going to come out of his office today?”

“I doubt it, but he might. We’re not exactly speaking right now.”

“Don’t want to know that either,” Emily said. “Let me know when you’re done with those letters, will you?”

“Of course,” Rossi said.

He waited for the door to close before he flipped the folder open and reached for his pen. Out of all the types of monsters the Bureau battled, serial killers were his least favorite to try and work. The inner workings of their minds always made him feel dirty.  
*~*

“How’s he doing?” Horatio asked, coming up behind Jason in the kitchen.

“Good, I think,” Jason replied, leaning back against his lover. “We went out again this morning, to the book store, and he seemed to do okay with people around him. I don’t think I want to take him anywhere loud or overly crowded, but he’s seeming a bit surer of himself.”

Horatio nodded. “That’s good to hear,” he said. “What about you?”

“I’m the same as always,” Jason sighed. “I would happily fly north and beat Hotch for what he’s done, what he’s taken from Spencer, but I can’t because Spencer needs me more than he does anything else right now.”

“How are you doing on cases?”

“He’s reviewed the most recent with me, but his heart isn’t involved right now,” Jason said. “I’m not going to push him to go back to work, especially when he’s still feeling so fragile.”

“I don’t blame you, and I think letting him come back to his work is the best idea,” Horatio said. “Spencer will either miss profiling and want to start working again, or he’ll find something else he can turn his amazing talents to. I’ve always imagined he would be amazing at research.”

Jason smiled fondly. “He’s a bit like a search engine on the computer, just slightly slower on some things,” he said. “I wish I knew how else to help him, Horatio. I know he needs time to think and rebuild those missing parts of himself, but it feels like I should be doing so much more for him.”

“You’ve given him a safe place to live where he’s warm, has food, and someone to listen to him no matter what he wants to talk about,” Horatio said. “You’re there for him whenever he needs you, no matter what time of day or night it is, and you listen without judgment. That’s all he needs from you right now, Jason. Love and safety, and you give him both in abundance.”

“You make it sound so easy,” Jason said.

“In a way it is, because it’s natural to you,” Horatio said. “You’ve almost always seen Spencer as your own child and it helps the both of you to have that connection. He needs a parent, and you need a child to nurture. I can see the mutual love radiating from you both, Jason. It makes me happy to know you have such a connection, and love you more because you let people into your heart when they need you.”

“That applies to you, too, you know,” Jason said. “Your heart is just as big, if not bigger, than mine, Horatio.”

“Then we’re well matched, wouldn’t you say?” Horatio asked with a small smile.


	36. Chapter 36

Hotch was working in his office when there was a knock at the door, and it opened to show one of the agents that worked down in the mail room. He put the stack of mail on the corner of the desk like always, took what was there to go out, and left all without making any noise. Hotch finished up the folder he was working with, put it to the side to be indexed with the rest of the case materials, and reached for the stack of mail.

Very few requests for cases made it to him. Those always went to JJ. Hotch normally got the things that came down from higher up – staff evaluations, requests for information, budget paperwork – so he was surprised to see an envelope with his name on it. His name written in a very familiar scrawl. He didn’t know what Reid would be sending to him, but he set the rest of the mail to the side and turned the envelope around in his hands a few times.

“That was fast.”

Hotch jumped and looked over towards the door. “What do you want, Dave?”

“I’d thought it would take another day for those to get here,” Rossi said, shutting the door behind him. “I wanted to talk to you about Thomas and everything that Emily is finding in her investigation.”

“Why do you know what’s in here?” Hotch asked. “What’s Reid sending to me?”

“Nothing bad. At least physically harmful,” Rossi replied, sitting down. “They’re letters he wrote you because he needed to talk to you and he wasn’t able to for so many different reasons. Gideon called to let me know those were coming so I could keep an eye on you or something.”

“What would Reid have to say to me?”

“Well, if it was me writing them, there’d be a lot of swear words in there, but I don’t think that Reid would be capable of something like that no matter what happened to him,” Rossi said. “It’s not in his nature to do something so nasty. My guess is that it’s just things he wanted to say to you before you left him, and this is his way of finding closure. Read them or not, who cares. Now then, it turns out that Beth and Thomas were in contact a lot longer than we initially though.”

“What do you mean, who cares?” Hotch asked. “I thought you were the one standing up for Reid on the team.”

“I am, but until you’re willing to look at anything without a bias in your mind, it won’t do a damn bit of good to read anything that Reid wanted to say to you,” Rossi said. “Because you’re going to take it all as an attack on you and your person. Do you want to hear about Thomas or not?”

Hotch sighed and dropped the envelope on his desk. “Fine. What has Emily found?”

“Beth made initial contact with him six weeks after his trial, but before his sentencing,” Rossi said. “She states in one of her earliest letters that there was a bias at the trial and he should never have been found guilty for his crimes. Emily thinks, and I agree, that’s what brought that letter so much attention and led to Thomas writing back for the first time. He suddenly had a woman that not only was a lawyer but believed he’d been railroaded by the system.”

“Making her very attractive to a man such as him,” Hotch said. “But Beth wasn’t a criminal lawyer, so she wouldn’t have understood the case properly.”

“Right, but that didn’t stop her from encouraging Thomas to approach her law firm and ask for representation in a new trial,” Rossi said. “The man would have seen her as his property almost from the beginning and, when the firm turned away his request, he gets nasty with Beth. There’s a break in their correspondence until he wrote and told her to find and seduce you. Thomas thought access to your files and information would be his key to show that he was not given a fair trial.”

“And she wanted back in his graces, so she did whatever he told her to do,” Hotch said. “And I fell for it blindly. I think it’s lucky that I’ve never taken home case or sensitive information. I don’t want to think what could have happened if Beth did find something in my office.”

“Everything she needed was here, but she didn’t have any way to get access to the Unit and the files here,” Rossi said. “Parts of the evidence are public knowledge, but your case notes and evolving profile aren’t in those files. The final profile is, yes, but not what they really wanted.”

Hotch sighed. “There’s no way to implicate Thomas in Beth’s death,” he said. “We have the letters, but everything is typed up. All he has to say is that he’s never heard of her before and he’ll be off the hook.”

“That was the other thing,” Rossi said. “I talked to one of my contacts up at the jail before I came in here.”

“Do not tell me you put out a hit on a man in prison, Dave.”

“What do you take me for?” Rossi asked. “I just wanted to see how Thomas was doing in solitary. Turns out someone forgot he was in there during a fire inspection and he suffocated in his cell.”

“They forgot,” Hotch said dryly.

“It happens,” Rossi said. “Solitary in this prison is in an older building and sound doesn’t carry well in there. They emptied out the cells and set a small, contained fire to see how the sprinklers are working.”

“I don’t believe it for a second,” Hotch said.

“You can believe it or not, but the guards are under investigation for using a live fire in a building for a fire test,” Rossi said. “I don’t think anyone other than his family really cares that Thomas died, accident or not. The world is rid of another sick man that preyed on children. I don’t think it’s much of a loss, personally.”

“So that’s it then?” Hotch asked. “They’re both dead and everything is closed? That’s a little too pat for my comfort.”

“You can call the prison yourself and ask if you want,” Rossi said. He stood up. “Either way, Aaron, the threat this man will ever be released is gone for good. I know a lot of families that will sleep better for that news. Take that package home with you and read it there.”

“What are you..? Oh, the letters. Now you think I should read them?”

“Doesn’t matter what I think because you’re not going to listen to me,” Rossi said. “But I always gave my ex-wives one last chance to swear at me before everything was over. It cleared the air for them, and for me. Seems if I can do it in person, then you can do it via letter.”


	37. Chapter 37

Hotch locked the door behind him, set his alarm system and went to change, dropping the packet of letters from Reid on the sofa as he passed. He took a long shower and dressed in a pair of jeans and an old sweatshirt before going out into the living area of the apartment. The place was small, but it suited him well enough. He couldn’t stay in the house and was surprised to find a buyer not two days after the house went on the market. Hotch had packed his things up, sold the furniture with the house, and moved into a single apartment not far from his old building.

He wasn’t hungry, so he sat down on the sofa and stared at the envelope next to him on the sofa. He still didn’t know what Reid would have wanted to say to him, and Hotch wasn’t sure if he really wanted to find out or not. He’d known what Rossi was trying to do with his parting comment. Hotch always took great pride in accepting any challenge Rossi (or Gideon) put in front of him, trying to prove to himself, and them, that he was an equal to both of them. Two of the three founders for the unit. Men that understood humans on a level that Hotch never made it to, no matter how hard he worked. How much he studied and worked and watched, he knew he would never be on the same level as Rossi or Gideon. Part of him suspected that profiling was a natural talent that some people were born understanding. Anyone could learn to do it, to work with the tools developed by those that went before them, but there were always those that took to the work naturally. Those that shone far more brightly than anyone else in the field simply because of their natural talent for understanding others.

Hotch knew that he wasn’t one of them. Even with his upbringing, his abusive and manipulative father, he still wasn’t on the same level intellectually with Rossi and Gideon. There were a few things he was better at, but not many. Rossi’s last words about his ex-wives was a challenge to Hotch, trying to tell the younger man that Rossi stood up to his mistakes in his past and the younger man should as well. Hotch didn’t know if Rossi was just stronger than him, or if the man took some sort of odd pleasure in the biting pain of an ex swearing at him, but Hotch didn’t know if he was strong enough to open the package and read the words Reid wrote to him.

Away from the unit, he could admit that he did miss Spencer Reid. The younger man was such a bright light that he made everything around him shine. He had a natural curiosity that led to others around him becoming equally as curious about life, about death; about anything that Reid chose to study. It was part of what made the younger man such a good profiler. He never stopped learning, stopped anything that would help him understand life a little better than he did. Hotch didn’t know if he missed Reid enough to try and win him back, but he did miss him. The whole unit seemed a little duller without Reid there. It was like some vital spark was gone from the team and no one seemed to know what to do to bring it back.

With a small sigh, he finally picked up the envelope and opened it carefully. Inside he found a small bundle of letters held together with a paper clip. Hotch snorted and pulled them out, taking a minute to appreciate the quality of the paper used for the letters. It was hard to get good quality stationery without knowing exactly where to look, and Hotch wasn’t sure where it was Reid would have been able to get something so nice.

He wasn’t surprised to find the letters gently numbered on the outside, so he would know the order to read them. Hotch pulled off the paperclip and tossed it onto the small coffee table, but didn’t unfold any of the letters. He just sat for a long minute and stared at them. There was no way to know, without opening them, what words were there. Even with as well as he knew Reid, was it possible that the young man did swear at him in the letters? Reid’s personality changed a little before he vanished down to Miami, withdrawing into himself more and more, becoming silent and more like he was back when he first came to the unit. Unsure of his place, of his welcome. 

Hotch finally opened the first letter and just skimmed it, noticing how many times Horatio Caine was mentioned. He’d never hid is dislike and disdain for the red head, and Hotch didn’t know why Reid would be writing about him. He was in Miami spending time with Gideon, so why would he be writing so much about Horatio Caine? Hotch unfolded the others and skimmed them as well, noticing that they had as much, if not more, mention of Horatio in there than they did Gideon. With a snarl, he grabbed his phone and dialed.

“Yes, Aaron?” Gideon asked.

“Why is Horatio Caine sleeping with Reid?” Hotch growled.

“Why do you care?” Gideon asked in reply. “May I remind you that you were the one that went and started to stick parts of his body where they had no business being, Aaron.”

Hotch sputtered for a second. “That’s not the point,” he finally said, but as soon as he said the words, he knew how weak and stupid they sounded.

“I will ignore that statement for the moment and tell you that there are two kinds of sleeping together, a fact that you seem to have forgotten,” Gideon said. “You know as well as I do, probably more so, that Spencer suffers from severe nightmares. Graphic and violent because of the very nature of his mind, and he has much in his life to be tormented by in the darkness of the night. Perhaps even more now than ever since he was so completely devastated when you betrayed and abandoned him.”

“What’s that go to do with anything?”

“Patience, Aaron. It’s one virtue that you lack more often than not,” Gideon said. “I did my best to teach you when you were my student, but it seems my lessons never did take. We found out, accidentally, that Spencer sleeps better if he is positioned between Horatio and myself. I believe it’s because Horatio has such a strong aura, such a caring heart that it literally radiates out from him, and Spencer is picking up on that. Having us both there helps him sleep through the night, and the extra sleep is helping him to heal physically. There is nothing sexual in our arrangement, nor will there ever be. Spencer, as I believe he says in one of his letters, has decided never to open himself up to another relationship for as long as he lives.”

“He’s young. He doesn’t know what he’s going to be doing in the next five years, let alone the rest of his life,” Hotch said.

“You will cease projecting your faults onto Spencer unjustly, Aaron, or this will be the last phone conversation you and I shall ever have,” Gideon said firmly. “Just because you do not have loyalty in your heart does not mean that Spencer does not. Now, did you actually read the letters he sent you, or did you just skim them, see how often he mentioned a man you hate, and flew into a jealous and completely unfair snit?”

Hotch felt his cheeks flush. He should have known that Gideon would see through everything no matter what Hotch said or did. There was no point in lying to him either. “Skimmed them,” he said.

“I thought as much,” Gideon said. “Those letters are small pieces of Spencer’s heart that he sent to you in an effort to be able to close off the wounds in those areas. Personally, I do not care of you read them or not, but I think you should, if only so you can see exactly the effect you’ve had on a most remarkable young man.”

“I don’t know if I can,” Hotch said.

“Then put them away somewhere safe until you can,” Gideon said with a small sigh. “I know that you were taught better than this, Aaron, and the fact that the woman that blinded you to your partner is now dead does not mean that everything can be buried away and never spoken of again.”

“How do you know what happened to Beth?”

“I’ve spoken with David several times,” Gideon said. “Do not think that I do not know everything, Aaron. Just because I am not there does not mean that I am ignorant of events.”

“You never are,” Hotch grumbled.

“You would do well to remember that, Aaron,” Gideon said. “You no longer have any claim to Spencer, so it does no good to be upset at the thought of another man helping him, no matter how much you loathe that other man. Horatio had a similar upbringing to yours, if not worse in some ways, and he understands the mentality you brought to the relationship. That insight is helping Spencer to heal a little. You should be happy to know that Spencer is turning his back on death, Aaron. When he first came here, I had my doubts as to his will to live.”

“Reid would never kill himself.”

“He might, given enough blows to an already delicate soul,” Gideon said. “I still fear for him, but not as severely as I did. Should he suffer another blow, however, it might well be the end of him.”

“I want to talk to him.”

“No.”

Hotch blinked. “What do you mean, no?” he demanded.

“Spencer has asked to have no contact with anyone, from Horatio’s team or the team back in Quantico, while he considers his life and choices,” Gideon said. “You will honor his wishes as the rest of the team is, or you will find out how unhappy I still am with you, Aaron Hotchner.”

“He still has his phone. You can’t screen his calls forever, Jason.”

“We’re not. The rest of the team respects him enough to honor his wishes,” Gideon said. “You may call, if you like, though I doubt you will get an answer. We do not have Spencer locked away, Aaron. He has chosen to hide to protect himself while he relearns how to be a single unit. I think that David is quite right when he says that you’re acting like a child.”

“I’m not acting like a child,” Hotch snapped.

“I won’t even dignify that with an answer, Aaron,” Gideon said. “Read the letters or not, but do not disappoint me further.”


	38. Chapter 38

“Spencer,” Horatio said softly, topping the stairs, “hey, how are you doing today?”

“I’m okay,” Reid replied, turning to look at the red head. “I’m sorry I kept you both up last night, but I think my nerves are frazzled because I sent the letters up to Aaron and I keep imagining what his reaction is going to be when he reads them. If he reads them.”

Horatio sat down on the floor next to Reid. “Spencer, you’ve done everything you can to show Aaron Hotchner how much you still love him,” he said. “Anything further would only have hurt you because you would have been giving of yourself from supplies you didn’t have left to give. I was wondering if you wanted to come on an errand with me?”

“Where are you going?” Reid asked.

“The hospital,” Horatio said. “Spencer, I know you don’t like children, that they make you nervous, but Calleigh went into labor yesterday and they’ve invited me to come and meet the newest addition to our family. Do you feel like that’s something you would want to do?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been to a hospital when a new baby was born,” Reid said. “How many people are going to be there?”

“Just Cal and her husband, Eric,” Horatio said. “You know both of them from the lab. Eric’s family is going to be coming tonight, but Cal’s asked for small groups because she’s tired.”

“I guess I could try,” Reid said. “I know I can’t hide away from people forever, Horatio. I just wish that I could.”

“I know, Spencer, I know,” Horatio said, pulling the younger man into a hug. “Jason says that you’re doing better, and I see what he’s talking about.”

“Is he going too?”

“He is,” Horatio said. “Both Eric and Cal know that you’re not up to talking a lot right now and they’re not going to push you, okay?”

Reid nodded. “Okay,” he said, trying to smile.  
*~*

Horatio led the way to the room and tapped lightly on the door. “Is it okay to come in?” he asked softly.

“H, hey, yeah, come on it,” Eric said. “Jason, good to see you again. Hey Spencer, welcome to Miami.”

“Congratulation, Eric,” Gideon said with a smile. “Horatio says everything went perfectly.”

“That’s because Cal was involved,” Eric said. “All I did was hold her hand while she did all the work.”

“And why he’s doing all the work now,” Calleigh said from the bed. “Hey guys.”

Horatio went over and kissed Calleigh’s cheek softly. “You look as beautiful as ever, Calleigh,” he said with a smile. “I think that motherhood suits you well.”

“You are a flatterer,” Calleigh said, slapping his arm lightly. “Hi, Jason. Thanks for coming. Spencer, it’s good to see you again, honey. Come sit down for a minute.”

Reid went over towards the bed and sat down on the edge, not sure what he was supposed to say or do. Calleigh reached over and put a hand over his. “Years ago now, I was dating one of our detectives and thought that he was the one I would spend my life with,” she said. “Then I found out that he was seeing someone else while we were dating. I broke it off with him and closed myself off for months because I didn’t know how to trust myself anymore. I asked myself a lot of questions, including if I was blind? Was I stupid for trusting someone with my heart? Did I deserve to be loved? It took me a long time to open up to anyone on that level again, because I was scared to trust again.”

“But you did,” Reid said.

“I did, but Eric will tell you that it took close to a year for me to trust him with anything,” Calleigh said. “With anyone else, I think it would have been enough to end the relationship before it really got started because I was so scared to let him see me. Let him into my heart to see what I wanted from life, but he wouldn’t give up. I know part of the problem was my father. He’s a drunk that let me down so many times and I always set myself up again because he was my father and I wanted to believe that he would change when he said he would. He never did and, in the end, I had to make the decision if I wanted to let him be in my life anymore. That was one of the hardest things I ever did, but I told him that he couldn’t come back until he could stay sober.”

“You never saw him again, did you?” Reid asked.

Calleigh shook her head. “He drank himself to death. I asked myself if I drove him to that, but I realized that the alcohol had more of a hold over him than his family ever did,” she said. “It is so hard to take hit after hit and keep going. None of us blame you for tucking yourself away like you have while your heart is healing, but I also know that the whole team is ready to welcome you into the family as soon as you feel like you can be around all of us.”

Reid finally looked up. “I don’t know how to do that,” he said.

“We know that too,” Calleigh said. She handed over the pink bundle she’d been holding. “Here, look at her for a minute. I know you’re not comfortable with children, but take a look at her for me. This is a little one that is just starting out in the world and will need strong role models to help her find her path in life. I’d like for you to be one of those strong men to help her learn what it is to be different from others. She’s never going to judge you, Spencer, and neither will anyone on our team, because we have all been exactly where you are.”

Reid looked like a deer caught in the middle of a road, but he instinctively cradled the baby up against his chest. “What’s her name?” he asked.

“Autumn,” Eric said. “We’re calling her Emmy for short right now, which will probably make people think her name is Emily, but we like it.”

“She’s so tiny,” Reid said.

“She’s going to need a lot of protection for a while,” Calleigh said. “Jason’s asked us to come over and spend time with him once we’re out of the hospital, but I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable in your home, Spencer. Is it okay with you if we come to visit?”

Reid nodded. “Yeah, it’s fine,” he said, eyes still fixed on the tiny baby he was holding.


	39. Chapter 39

_Aaron, I’ve been a nervous wreck since I let go of that packet of letters at the post office, sending them to you. I’ve been wondering if I made a mistake. Did I send off weapons that you will be able to use against me in the future should you want to? If someone had asked me, before everything, if you would be the type to use personal information against someone, I would have said no without thinking about it because I thought I knew you. I thought I knew what sort of man you are, what you believed, and what truths you held within your heart. Now I know that I never knew the true you, and I have to wonder if you would use personal information against someone if the chance came to you. I kept both Jason and Horatio up most of the night, unable to sleep more than an hour without nightmares, but neither of them have cast any blame on me for their lack of rest. They were both there to help me calm down so I could try and sleep again. A role that you once held for me, holding me through the shakes of a nightmare. Sine you left me, emotionally, my nightmares have only grown worse. I don’t know how to sleep through the night alone, and I know it isn’t fair of me to ask Horatio and Jason to keep allowing me to sleep between them. They deserve to be able to spend time together, and I know that they have to miss the freedom they had to do whatever they want in their home before I came to stay with them. I can only hope it will be better once I’m upstairs in my new apartment and they can feel that they have at least part of their home back again._

_It’s still hard, but I’ve started going out a little. It has to be somewhere quiet, somewhere without a lot of people, but I’ve managed the post office, the grocery, and the hospital. I don’t know if you remember Calleigh or not, one of Horatio’s team, but she’s married now and they’ve just had their first child. A little girl named Autumn. They’re calling her Emmy, and I’m not sure how they get Emmy from Autumn, but it suits her. Cal’s husband is dark, I think Horatio told me that he’s half-Cuban, and Cal is light. Her eyes hover between blue and green, but she says they’re green, so I didn’t dare argue with her. Emmy is a perfect blend of them both. She has her father’s dark hair and Cal’s green eyes. Her skin will be just dark enough not to burn out in the Miami sun, and I suspect that she will grow up to do great things in this world. I don’t know how she wouldn’t be able to, with Eric and Calleigh for parents, Horatio and Jason as godparents, and Eric’s extended family. I didn’t meet them, but he’s told me a couple of stories and it sounds like the houses are always filled with love. Such a perfect place for Emmy to grow up and learn about life. A small part of me wishes that I’d had two parents that loved me as much as Eric and Calleigh obviously love Emmy, but I know I wouldn’t be the man I am today if that had happened. I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like though, if I’d had a father that loved me enough to stay and help raise me. If I’d had a mother that wasn’t sick and battling every second of every day against forces that she imagined were trying to harm us both. What would have happened if I’d had family dinners every night, a chance to talk about school and the problems I was having there. Parents that worried about me enough to notice when I didn’t turn up on time, to know when something was wrong and would have asked me what it was and if they could help me._

_I never once tried to replace my missing father with you. I’ve heard it suggested that’s what happened when we started dating, but I never saw you in that role. All I saw was a man that I thought loved me enough to want to be with me, to be an equal partner in our lives, and move forward through whatever problems work and the world threw at us. I think that I put more into the relationship than you ever did, and I can’t help but wonder if that’s one reason I’m so tired now. If I used up my energy trying to prove to you every day that I love you so much, that you were the only one I ever wanted. I don’t know if you ever saw the rings, if you had a chance to read the engraving I had done on the inside, but it was the Latin for infinite love. I agonized over what I wanted to have put on the rings for months, wondering what quote or words would be enough to describe what we had. What I thought we had. What I thought our life would be together. I picked quotes from great men and always found something wrong with their words, one small flaw that made me put them to the side. I looked at words from obscure sources, trying to find the exact words that I couldn’t find to put into those rings. The symbol of our love. Isn’t that what rings are, after all? Something physical to show the bonds between the people wearing them. Symbols that show the rest of the world that you love and are loved by the one wearing the matching token. I finally decided to find the words inside of my heart and decided on Latin to express it because Latin is one of the first languages I learned, and I’ve always felt that it has a manner of expression that’s so much more vivid, more powerful, than English. I also know that you know enough Latin that you would be able to read the words and wouldn’t have to ask me what they meant. I know it always bothered you when you had to ask for my help with something, something I never really understood because I loved helping you._

_Maybe I should look towards being a teacher of some sort. Jason’s showed me the latest cases that were sent down, and I can’t face them. I can’t face the darkness that’s held inside the folders, and I don’t know if I ever will be able to again. I’ve seen so much since I joined the unit that my nightmares are already bad enough. Maybe I should walk away from profiling and find something else to do. I’m young, but I’m at an age where most teachers are normally starting out, so it wouldn’t be as weird if I was to start teaching now. Horatio knows everyone here in Miami, as impossible as that sounds. I wonder if he would be able to help me find a school that was interested in classes on forensics and profiling. Something that would let me teach what I know, but not keep drawing me back into the darkness. I don’t want to live there anymore._


	40. Chapter 40

Hotch didn’t even look up when his office door opened with no knock. “What do you want, Dave?”

“I just came in to tell you that I’m taking a leave of absence from the Bureau,” Rossi said, shutting the door behind him. “I’ve already spoken with the higher-ups and they’ve approved it, so this is just courtesy on my part.”

“Are you going to write another book?”

“No, I’m going to go and see if I can help Spencer put himself back together,” Rossi said.

That got Hotch to look up at him. “I told you to stay away from him, Dave.”

“And I told you that you don’t have any right to dictate his life for him,” Rossi said. “That young man is in pieces and needs all the friends he can get. I’ve been through three divorces and more break-ups than I want to think about, I know something about rebuilding the heart.”

“You’re only going to hurt him.”

“I’m not going down there to seduce him, although if he shows interest I might be willing to take him out on a date,” Rossi said. “There’s no reason I have to justify any of my actions to you, but I’m going to because I keep hoping that you’ll wake up and realize how badly you’ve hurt another human being.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Rossi sighed. “Yes, you do, but until you are able to admit to yourself that you screwed up, you’re going to keep sounding like an idiot,” he said. “Spencer needs friends to talk to, when he’s ready, and while Horatio Caine and Jason have good friends around them, I thought it wouldn’t hurt anything for Spencer to have a familiar face to talk with when he was ready. If he’s never ready, then this will give me a chance to lie on the beach, profile for fun, and decide if I want to come back again or not.”

“And what about the team?”

“They’re going to put a couple of the international team on with you until they can work out who to post to the team full time,” Rossi said. He put a small box down on the desk. “Spencer wanted you to have these for some reason. I have no idea why, but I’m not going to keep them any longer. Personally, I think it’s because he couldn’t stand to have a physical token of how badly he misjudged you and your intentions towards him, but that’s just my own theory. I’m also changing my cell phone number, so don’t try to call, Aaron.”

“How will I know if you’re coming back or not?”

“I’ll call and let someone know. Probably Erin, and you know that she’ll let you know what’s going on,” Rossi said with a shrug. “I’d wish you the best, Aaron, but right now you’re living in denial, and that’s not a healthy place to be.”

Hotch stared at the small box on his desk, not sure what he should say to the other man. Rossi would just mock any denials of him being in denial, and there wasn’t anything else that could be said. He didn’t watch Rossi turn and walk out of the office, even if it hurt to have another old friend leave the Unit upset with him. Hotch finally sighed and picked up the box, opening it to find the rings that Reid talked about in his letters. He took the larger of the two out of the box and looked closely, trying to make out the words on the inside of the band. When he finally realized it was Latin, it took him a minute to work out the translation, but he was finally able to, and he closed his eyes when he realized what it said.

Back when Reid first came to the Unit, Hotch was amazed with the younger man, and jealous that Reid had such an obvious connection with Gideon. Not that Hotch couldn’t understand it, Gideon was a warmer and more open personality than he was, even back when Gideon was recovering from several large blows to his life. It took time, but a year or so after Reid joined the team, Hotch realized what he felt for the younger man was affection and it scared him. He’d only dated women in high school, and after, and had the brief – and disastrous – marriage to his high school sweetheart. It was only luck that there were no children from that time in his life. Hotch didn’t think he would make a good father.

They were an unlikely pair, but when Hotch realized that Reid’s feelings for him were romantic, he’d asked the younger agent to join him for dinner after a case. That set the pattern they followed for the next year or so until they crossed the line to become lovers. Hotch had been as in love as he ever had been with any of the women he dated, and Reid loved him back. Too much, as it turned out, after the disaster with Gideon, but Hotch knew they’d also managed to recover and built a stronger foundation together after Gideon left the team for good.

Hotch couldn’t pinpoint the moment in their relationship where he realized that it wasn’t what he wanted from his life, but he could have been stronger and talked to Reid about it before he met Beth and everything spiraled out of control. He hadn’t realized that they’d grown so far apart in their desires, and wasn’t sure when that happened either. Reid was planning for forever and Hotch was planning how to leave him behind. Somehow he didn’t think telling anyone the truth would help anything, even at that point, because Hotch had cheated on Reid. That was the bland truth, and Hotch didn’t know how that happened either. He’d never cheated on anyone before, being naturally honest, almost too honest at times, but he’d suddenly found himself sleeping with a woman while he had Reid at the house waiting for him to come home. 

He opened his eyes and put the ring back in the box. Hotch tucked it into his desk drawer and turned back to his paperwork. He really needed to talk with Reid, but knew that Gideon was right about one thing, Reid wouldn’t answer the phone to talk with him. He picked up his pen and stared at it for a long minute. Maybe he could take a page out of Reid’s book and write him a letter. He shrugged and went back to his paperwork. It couldn’t hurt anything.


	41. Chapter 41

“Horatio, you have a federal agent waiting to see you,” one of the girls at the front desk said when Horatio walked back into the lab.

“Thank you,” Horatio said. “Any other messages?”

“Nope.”

“All right, hold my calls for an hour, please,” Horatio said, heading towards the small waiting area. He didn’t know of any case in the lab that would call for a federal agent to be in the lab, so he had a suspicion that he had someone looking for Spencer waiting for him. “Agent Rossi.”

Rossi turned from looking out the window and smiled. “Lieutenant Caine, it’s good to see you again,” he said. “I’ve just arrived in Miami and wanted to come here first to let you know that I’m here for an extended leave from the Bureau.”

“Sit down,” Horatio said, moving towards a set of chairs. “You haven’t called Jason to tell him that you’re here yet.”

“That doesn’t sound like a question.”

“It wasn’t. Jason would have called me to let me know that you’re here,” Horatio said with a small smile. “So that tells me that you don’t want him to know you’re here just yet.”

“It’s more that I’m not sure how hearing that I’m here will hurt Spencer,” Rossi said, sitting down next to the red head. “I’m here to talk with him, when he’s ready and says that it’s okay, about where his life is going. I’ve been right there he is and guess that I have some advice that I can pass on.”

Horatio nodded. “I do know that you and Jason don’t get along easily, Agent Rossi. I’ll tell you that Spencer is only just starting to be able to go out and interact without fear,” he said. “We haven’t taken him anywhere that he would be overwhelmed, but I believe he is slowly starting to repair his heart and heal from the betrayal that sent him running.”

“That’s good and I’m glad to hear it,” Rossi said. “The other reason I’m here is that I just couldn’t handle Hotch anymore. He refuses to admit that he did anything wrong, and the only thing it’s doing is pissing me off.”

“It’s very possible that he never will admit to anyone that he did anything wrong,” Horatio said. “Agent Hotchner hides his emotions away well, a sign that he was punished for showing them at some point when he was a child, and he likely will eventually be able to admit it to himself, but I doubt he will ever be able to tell anyone else what he did.”

“He’s going to have to admit it to someone, some day, if he ever wants to be able to go forward and have another relationship,” Rossi said. “As to Spencer, I’m not going to push him, but I was hoping that you would let him know that I’m here to talk with whenever he’s ready, even if that takes a year. I’ve got some other projects that I’m working on and I’ve rented a house for a year.”

Horatio looked him over carefully. “What are you intentions towards Spencer Reid?” he finally asked quietly.

“To be a friend,” Rossi replied. “I like the kid and want him to know that he’s not alone, that others have spouses that cheat on them, and it is possible to put your heart back together and move forward alone.”

“Do you have any sexual intentions towards him?”

Rossi sputtered for a minute. “There’s a part of me that can’t believe you asked that question,” he finally said.

“And I notice that you’re not answering it,” Horatio said.

“No wonder you annoy Hotch so much,” Rossi said. “I can’t decide if you’re more like him or more like Gideon. I’ve let Aaron think that I’d like to pursue a romantic relationship with Spencer, hoping to get him to pull his head out of his ass and look to see what he’s losing, but it didn’t work. If I didn’t know better, I would say that Hotch has been planning to leave Spencer for longer than we know, and this mess with Beth came first. Spencer is a good man and I wouldn’t mind having something more with him, but I also know that he’s said he doesn’t want another relationship of any sort, and I respect that. I respect him. The only thing I want is to be his friend, Lieutenant.”

Horatio nodded slowly. “Then I’ll pass on your message,” he said. “I make no promises that Spencer will contact you, however.”

“I know, and that’s fine,” Rossi said. He handed over one of his cards with his new phone numbers written on the back. “The top is my new cell phone and the bottom is the line at the house I’m renting. Tell Spencer that it doesn’t matter what time it is, if he wants someone to talk to, someone else that can listen and not judge, then to call me.”

“I’ll do that,” Horatio said. He tucked the card in an inner pocket of his suit jacket. “What are you going to be working on down here, if I may ask?”

“Sure. I’ve published several books about my first time with the FBI, the BAU, and cases I’ve worked,” Rossi said. “I’ve been too busy working cases to write anything recently, and my publisher was thrilled when I got in touch and let them know I was planning to spend a year writing on a new book.”

“Not a project that just anyone could undertake,” Horatio said. “I’ll tell you this, Agent Rossi; Spencer is currently wondering if there’s other things he could do with his life. It seems that profiling no longer holds an appeal to him. Would you suggest writing as a possible alternative for him?”

Rossi sighed. “He writes good reports, but I don’t know if he has the skill to present the cases in a way that people would enjoy reading,” he said. “It certainly takes practice, and is something that I had to learn when I first started out.”

“Would you be willing to teach him if he expressed an interest in writing?”

“Of course I would,” Rossi said. “I would think that Spencer is doubting himself because he couldn’t see that Hotch was planning to leave him, cheating on him, and that’s having an effect on how he looks at cases.”

“Very likely,” Horatio said. “I’ll speak with Spencer tonight when I get home and tell him what you’ve told me, about helping him and writing. He doesn’t need to know anything else about Agent Hotchner.”

“Thank you,” Rossi said. “Would you give me a call and let me know how he’s doing if he still feels he’s got to keep himself safe?”

Horatio nodded. “I will,” he said. “Thank you for stopping by, Agent Rossi. It’s good to know that you’re in Miami should we need you.”


	42. Chapter 42

Horatio found Jason and Spencer on the back deck when he got home from work that evening. Jason was reviewing a case folder and Spencer was working on something on a notepad, but Horatio had a feeling that it wasn’t anything connected to the project Jason had going. He sat down next to his lover and leaned over for a kiss. “How was your day?” 

“It was good,” Gideon said with a smile. “We went grocery shopping and then to the bookstore. What about you?”

“Things were steady, but we closed a couple of cases, so I can’t complain,” Horatio said. “I did have company at the lab today.”

“Anyone I know?” Gideon asked.

“It is,” Horatio replied. “Spencer, this concerns you as well. Are you at a place you can stop or do you need me to come back later?”

Reid put the pad down on his chair and stretched. “I can take a break,” he said. “Who came to see you today, Horatio?”

“David Rossi paid me a visit,” Horatio said softly, watching Reid for any signs of panic or other strong emotions. “It would seem that he’s taken leave from the Bureau and come to Miami for two reasons.”

“Writing and Spencer,” Gideon said.

“He wants to be here in case Spencer would like someone else to talk with, someone that has lost spouses in the past,” Horatio said. “He made it very clear that he’s not going to come here or approach you, Spencer, until you make contact and ask to speak with him.”

“Do you believe him?” Reid asked, pulling his legs up against his chest.

Horatio smiled. “I do, because I believe he knows that I will hurt him if he does anything that hurts you, Spencer,” he said. “Rossi made it very clear that he’s here to help you on your terms, and if that takes time, then he’s happy to wait until you’re ready to talk with him.”

“I don’t even know what I would say to him,” Reid said. “I mean, I’ve talked with him at work and a few times away from work, but the team was always there and we were always talking about work. What am I supposed to say to him?”

“Whatever you want, Spencer,” Gideon said. “I know that you know I don’t always approve of David Rossi, but I believe that he’s serious in his desire to help you recover from the betrayal Hotch perpetrated against you.”

Reid looked down at his legs. “Do you think Aaron read my letters?” he asked softly.

“There’s no way to know, Spencer, but I do know he at least skimmed them,” Gideon said. “There’s still something creating a block within Hotch that, until he realizes what it is and takes steps to correct it, there’s nothing anyone else will be able to say to him that will allow him to see what a mistake he made in his actions.”

“I left him the rings, Jason. Do you think that they would help him figure out what’s going on in his head?”

“I don’t know, Spencer, but it’s possible they might. Then again, they might not. Keep in mind that Aaron has been acting very much out of character for months, and it’s possible he’s making an attempt to figure out what happened as much as you are,” Gideon said. He moved over and pulled Reid into a hug. “I never once thought that Hotch had it in him to cheat on you, but he did, and I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he’s asking himself some questions as well.”

“I can’t ever go back to him, Jason,” Reid said. “I don’t care if he shows up here with the rings and roses, I can’t take the risk again. How would I know that he means what he says when he did this? I love him so much and I don’t think he sees me.”

Horatio moved over and wrapped his arms around both men. “He doesn’t, Spencer, but you know what? That’s his loss because he cannot see what a special and unique young man you are,” he said softly. “He can’t see how much you love him, and how much he’s lost pushing you out of his life.”

Gideon looked up and made eye-contact with his lover when Spencer broke down and started crying. Horatio nodded, reading the comment in the eyes. He would stay with Reid while Gideon went and had a conversation with Rossi.  
*~*

“David.”

“God damn it to hell, Gideon, don’t sneak up on me,” Rossi swore, spinning in his chair to see the other agent behind him. “What are you doing here?”

Gideon walked up the stairs to the deck and sat down in the chair next to Rossi. “I wanted to find out exactly what you’re doing down here,” he said. “Horatio believes that you’re going to behave yourself and stay back until Spencer asks to see you. I want to make sure he’s right.”

“I thought you trusted his profiling abilities.”

“I do, I just don’t always trust you, and I do know what a good actor you are,” Gideon said.

“Still the same smug bastard you always were,” Rossi said. “Yes, I’m serious about staying away from Spencer until he makes the first contact. I know the kid is hurting badly and needs to rebuild, but he also needs friends to talk with, and I thought I’d put myself out there as someone he can turn to if he wants to.”

“Just as long as we’re on the same page. What about Hotch? What’s his next move?”

“Beats the hell out of me,” Rossi said with a shrug. “I don’t think he knows either, to tell the truth. I gave him back the rings Spencer left behind and he didn’t even blink. I don’t think that this was a fluke. I think that Hotch was thinking about moving on and just hadn’t gotten around to telling Spencer that he wanted out when the whole thing with Beth happened.”

Gideon nodded slowly. “I’ve thought the same, and I wouldn’t be surprised if, on some level, Spencer doesn’t know the same thing,” he said. “Are you going back?”

“I doubt it,” Rossi said. “It’s one thing to see pain and problems in the cases, to try and put the pieces back together out there, but seeing it on the team too. That’s just more than I can take anymore. Time to let the kids do the work while I sit back and make some sense out of the cases I’ve worked before I move forward with my life.”

“A life with Spencer Reid in it?”

“I’ve let Hotch believe that, but I don’t know,” Rossi said. “He’s young enough to be my son, even with that mind of his, and I don’t know if he’s going to trust enough to open up to me.”

“That’s very possible,” Gideon agreed. “Spencer has said that he never wants another relationship again, but he is still young. It’s possible at some point in the future, he’ll realize that another person has found their way into his heart.”

“You’d be okay if it was me?” Rossi asked.

Gideon sighed. “It would probably take me a little time, given our history, but as long as you treated Spencer right, I could get used to the idea,” he said.

“It’s moot right now because the kid is still healing,” Rossi said. “Now, how the hell did you find me?”

“Horatio knows where everyone is,” Gideon said. “Well, everyone of importance. You gave him a ground line, David. It wasn’t hard for him to find your address.”

“That’s not legal.”

“No, it’s not, but as I said, Horatio likes to know where everyone important is,” Gideon said. “It cuts down on surprises.”


	43. Chapter 43

_Spencer, I'm not even sure how to begin this because you know that I do not like to speak about myself or what my feelings are. My father taught me that men don't show emotion. That's one reason it took me so long to open up and ask you out to dinner. You were the first man that I ever had any interest in, and it took me months to realize exactly what it was I felt towards you. At first, I thought I wanted you to come to me for help as you were learning about the BAU and the team. That I wanted you to see me as a mentor and look at me like you did Jason. I'm not sure exactly when it was I realized I wanted you looking at me as a man you would want to be involved with romantically, but I eventually came to that conclusion and took the chance to ask you out._

_I knew we needed to keep our growing relationship quite, especially from the team, because I knew how important the team was to you, and I didn't want to risk you losing that. The higher-ups at the Bureau would have insisted on our separation professionally should anyone have learned of our romantic relationship. Only recently, i learned that the whole team knew of our relationship and kept quiet about it because they sensed our wish for secrecy. New York was one of our turning points, and attempting to add Jason to our relationship was something I honestly wanted after that first night. I was amazed at how much stronger the sexual feelings were heightened by having him there watching. At that time, I didn't want him to touch you. You were mine and only mine. No one else had the right to touch what was mine. That feeling changed when Jason was invited back into our rooms time and time again, even if we never invited him into our apartment when we were home. I started to wonder what it would feel like to watch you together with Jason. What would I feel as you were touched and aroused by someone that was not me? I knew where to touch you to coax the highest feelings out sensations from your body. I had learned the spots on your body that could make you scream. What would it be like to watch another learn those same spots for the first time? What would it be like to watch you lying under another as they used your body and gave you pleasure while I sat to the side as Jason had been doing for us?_

_Miami was a crisis and healing point for us, even if we did not know it at the time. We grew closer and moved through the same steps so many people have done prior to us, and will continue to do after us. We bought a house and made a home. We argued and made up. I don't know if you wanted the same things I did over the past few years, Spencer. I'm not certain when I realized it, but our relationship was missing one vital piece. Time. I began to see that we would not last forever, no matter how much you might have wished it, because we did not have the time connection in place. I do wish that we had a chance to speak about it before I met Beth and acted without thinking. I have yet to admit to anyone else that is what I did, but it is the honest truth. I saw someone that looked at me as someone special. Someone worth knowing. Someone that wanted me for me. I hadn't seen that in your eyes in the past two or more years, and it was like a spark had reignited within my heart and I took that desire and stepped out alone into the future._

_I don't remember what I said to you when I told you that you needed to find an apartment, Spencer, but you have never once lied so I must have threatened your books in an attempt to make you move faster. I suppose it is possible that I was jealous of your books. You treat them with such care and attention, so much love that I might have been wondered if you loved your books more than you did me. I never realized that the night I told you it was done between us was our tenth anniversary as a couple. I'm not certain how ten years passed with us as a unit without me realizing it, but I can understand how you would think that ten years meant forever. There was a lot on my mind before I met Beth, and meeting her seemed to make everything so clear. It was like a weight had been lifted off my heart, from my chest, and I understood what it was I wanted from life again._

_Beth only wanted me for access to Bureau files. It is painful for me to write that because, had I not met her in the park, I would like to believe that you and I would have been able to sit down and talk honestly about our relationship, our feelings, and what we wanted going forward. Much like we did back when we were reassessing after Jason went to Miami to be with Lieutenant Caine. I feel like a fool for allowing myself to be drawn into the web so neatly without sensing there was anything wrong. She was able to use me to a certain extent, but was stopped before she was able to do any harm to the Bureau. I honestly thought that I would be able to move forward with her and establish a life and home with Beth. There was something there that I never felt with you, not even in our most passionate moments. I'm not certain what was missing between us, and I don't know why it took me so long to realize there was something missing, but it was never there. It's something I can't explain, nothing I can put into words, because it's something within me. Some sense that I only realized was missing when I met Beth._

_I've read your letters, Spencer, and I worked out what you had placed on the inside of the rings. I didn't realize that you felt so deeply for me. I've never known anyone to open up so much and still hold back equally. I know that you would do anything I asked of you, Spencer, and that isn't healthy. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and be selfish. You need to let go of the past and move forward with your life._


	44. Chapter 44

Horatio crushed the letter in his hand and looked over at Jason. His lover was watching Spencer out on the deck, with no idea such a damaging letter had just arrived at the house for him. "The man is an idiot," Horatio said softly.

"I can't disagree with that at this point," Jason said just as softly. He turned away from the window and went to the drawer where they kept matches for the grill. "I think it's just as well we're screening his mail as well as phone calls, Horatio. Should Spencer have read that, it would have destroyed him forever, and I think he would have willed himself to death."

"I'm tempted to go to Quantico and ask if that's what Agent Hotchner was hoping would happen when he wrote this piece of garbage," Horatio said. He held the letter over the sink so Jason could set it on fire. "Spencer is only just starting to feel certain of himself as a single unit and it won't take much to knock that support away again. I think that we need a new plan, Jason."

"Apart from helping Spencer continue to heal and find his new path in life, I'm not sure what else we could legally do," Jason sighed. "Pass me the envelope, please. Aaron is trained as a lawyer as well as an FBI agent, and he is never afraid to use that training to his advantage, Horatio. Should we decide to do anything more to him, I think that we would have to be very careful in what we said and did."

"You know how I feel about lawyers," Horatio said. "I think maybe it's time for us to write a letter of our own, Jason. Even if it is a short one that says there will no longer be any contact between the two of them regardless of his wishes."

"How would we explain that to Spencer?" Jason asked. He started to wash the ashes down the sink so Spencer wouldn't see them and wonder what had been burned in the kitchen sink. "I know he's still writing letters to Aaron, even if they aren't as frequent as they were when he started the project, and should he wish to send another batch of letters north, I don't want to have to explain to him why he isn't able to."

Horatio nodded. "You're right," he said. "I just wish there was something we could do to make Agent Hotchner realize how stupid he is being. He is placing the blame in the wrong place and that needs to stop."

"You're right about that," Jason said. "Let me go and give him a call. Will you keep an eye on Spencer while I'm in my office, please? I don't want him to come upstairs and hear me talking to Aaron."

"Sure." Horatio gave Jason a quick kiss and went outside to see what Spencer was working on. "Hey, can I join you?"

"Hi Horatio, sure," Reid said with a small smile. "I was just doodling while thinking about what I want to do now that profiling doesn't hold an attraction to me. I just can't face the darkness again."

"We understand, and you know that Jason and I will support you no matter what you choose to do with your life," Horatio said.

"I do, and it's nice to have that support, even if I'm still not sure when I'll be okay again," Reid said. "I've always liked research and learning. I'm too young to teach, but I am trying to think if there's something that I can do with research."

"There's plenty that can be done with research, depending on what field you want to go into," Horatio said. "What are you most passionate about?"

"I guess crime, though I do love old English books," Reid said. "That's because of my mother, but I think that was truly her passion and not mine."

"Well, what about putting together some sort of a database of crime?" Horatio asked. "Something that could help officers around the country search out commanalities in crimes or suspects? You could probably market something like that and most departments around the country, maybe even around the world, would be interested in it. I know your mind, Spencer, and I know you likely have most of the files from the FBI in your head as well. You could start there and then appeal to departments for their case notes as well, or open it up for them to enter information in themselves once they've purchased access to the system. The money would help you live so you don't destroy your savings, but you could also donate some of it to charity if you want."

"I wouldn't know where to start," Reid admitted.

Horatio grinned. "Well, why not start with the worst killers around?" he asked. "Start with the serial killers around the world, then move on to other criminals, method and mode of killing, and any other notes from the cases that might be helpful should there be a copycat killing. Didn't Sherlock Holmes once say there was nothing new under the sun, and the best advice he could give Scotland Yard was to hide away and read twelve hours a day for a year? Then they would be better at their jobs and able to solve crimes more readily."

"He did, and it is good advice," Reid agreed. "I never thought of something like that. I'm still officially an FBI agent, even if I'm not on active duty. Do you think the Bureau would sponsor a program like this, Horatio?"

"You wouldn't know without asking, Spencer," Horatio said. "Now let me ask you this. Do you feel mentally stable enough should they say no?"

"I think so," Reid said. "Because if they say no, there might be someone else interested in the project. It might also be a way to get some ghosts out of my head. Where's Jason?"

"On the phone talking with someone about a case," Horatio said. "I don't know the specifics, only that he doesn't want you to overhear the conversation."

Reid nodded. "Probably something to do with abuse then," he said. "Horatio, I feel lighter all of a sudden. I don't know why."

"I do, Spencer," Horatio said with a smile. "It's because you suddenly have a path again. You have a plan, and you have hope. Those things are vital to humans, even if we don't always realize it. I'll talk with my chief tomorrow and get you access to our files regardless of what the Bureau says to you. I believe this project could become vital if done in the right way."

"It's going to have to have some writing done for it," Reid said. "Horatio, do you think I could maybe talk with Rossi?"

"Are you certain you're ready for that?"

"No, but I won't know until I try," Reid said.


	45. Chapter 45

Even though he knew his lover would keep Reid out on the deck and away from the second floor of the house, Gideon shut the door to his office behind him as an added barrier to keep Reid from hearing the conversation he was about to have with Hotch. Gideon wasn't sure exactly what the man was thinking when he wrote the letter, but he was certain the man wasn't thinking when he put a stamp on that letter and placed it in the mail. Gideon sat down behind his desk and picked up his phone with a sigh. He knew it wouldn't be an easy conversation, but it had to be done.

"Agent Hotchner."

"Hello, Aaron."

"Jason. I wasn't expecting to hear from you. Is everything okay?" Hotch asked.

"As okay as it can be with what just arrived in the mail," Gideon replied. "I have always considered you a smart man, Aaron; possibly smarter than you believe yourself to be, but after reading the letter you mailed to Spencer, I have to question your intelligence. While you might have thought you were placing your thoughts and feelings onto paper, much as Spencer has been doing to you, you also placed blame within your words that could well have destroyed the young man forever."

"The moral question of you opening a letter addressed to another aside, I don't blame Spencer for anything," Hotch said. "I wanted to do exactly the same thing that he's been doing in an attempt to bring some closure for him so he can move on."

Gideon sighed. "Aaron, it could well take a year or more for Spencer to find it in his heart to move forward with his life. It could well take him years to be able to open himself up to others again as he was able to do with the team," he said. "I do not deny that you had a hard childhood, one that no child should have to endure, but you have to remember that Spencer also had a hard childhood. This is not a competition, and never think that I believe it should be, but while you learned to keep your heart hidden away so you never showed emotion, Spencer learned to hide behind his intelligence. He also lived in terror that he would slip up and someone would find out how badly ill his mother truly was, and he would lose everything he ever knew."

"I'm not sure what you want me to say, Jason," Hotch said. "I didn't do anything that Spencer did with the letter."

"Spencer has been writing to deal with a missing piece of his heart. Have you ever taken the time to really read the letters that he sent you, or have you only just skimmed through them and taken what you wanted from them to justify your anger at the situation?" Gideon asked.

"What are you talking about?"

"I know Spencer, and I know that he would never say anything to hurt anyone," Gideon said. "The lad spends more time trying to keep everyone happy than he does anything else. I don't know that I've ever met anyone that takes such care to keep everyone around him happy, and he does it so he won't be left alone. You had an abusive drunk for a father, Aaron, and growing up with the threat of violence taught you to keep your heart hidden behind a fence of a sort. You were taught to never show emotion. To be tough. You learned to read people closely because it would help you avoid a blow. It would keep you safe."

"And?"

"And Spencer learned that everyone and everything he cares for leaves him in the end," Gideon continued. He knew that Hotch probably wasn't willing to understand his point because Hotch didn't believe that he'd done anything wrong, but Gideon had to try. "His father left because he was scared of his wife's illness and his son's intelligence. His mother was present physically, but abandoned him mentally. Spencer had to learn to care for her when she should have been caring for him. I left him when I reunited with Horatio during the investigation in Miami. He told me his greatest fear was losing you to a heart attack from stress from work because you don't know how to relax. He loves you deeply, even with how you treated him at the end of your relationship, and he did everything in his power to take care of you."

"I never asked him to do any of that," Hotch snapped.

"You didn't have to," Gideon said. "Because it is in his nature to look at a person and assess them, and then find the best way to care for them so they will not leave him. You told him that you did not believe your relationship had time because something was missing. On the other hand, he was looking towards forever because he loves you and believed you loved him in return. I'm not sure what this something you felt was missing is, Aaron, but I can tell you that acting on that feeling has cost you one of the most precious relationships you will every be fortunate to have."

"He was smothering me."

Gideon snorted. "Did you bother to talk to him about it?" he asked. "Isn't that what couples do when they have a problem? They talk about it like rational adults and find some way to come to a compromise."

"It wouldn't have worked."

"Aaron, I don't know why I'm still bothering to talk with you about this because you have painted a picture of Spencer Reid within your mind and nothing, no one, is going to be able to shift that picture without your permission," Gideon said. "Spencer would have given you every drop of blood in his body if you had asked it of him because he loves you, and he also doesn't know how to say no. I know you know that. Should you have asked it of him, he would probably have left you alone from the time you got home until the time you went to bed had you have asked. But that wouldn't have been a healthy relationship and you would have had the same problems you had back when you were thinking about asking me to join your relationship. I think that it isn't time that your relationship didn't have, I think you were missing a fundamental understanding and communication. I also think that if you try to contact Spencer again with a letter full of blame, you will have a visit from Horatio and I won't be able to stop him."

"Why doesn't Horatio call me then?"

"Because you would have hung up as soon as he said his name," Gideon said. "He's adopted Spencer as one of his own, and trust me when I say that you don't want to hurt someone that is a member of Horatio's family."

"I've got a meeting. Are you done?"

Gideon sighed. "I think I was done before I called you, Hotch."


	46. Chapter 46

While Rossi normally wrote on the computer, at least when he was just putting information down, he found the glare on the screen from the sun gave him a headache if he wrote out on the deck, so he'd taken to jotting down ideas and sentences on a notepad with a pen. The Miami weather made him want to be outside in the sun instead of locked up inside his house, even if he could walk outside any time he wanted. He was starting to think the move to Florida might have to be a permanent one, especially when he thought about winter. The idea of hurricanes bothered him a little, but figured there were ways to prepare, and he could always leave if he really wanted to.

He was out on the deck attempting to write about the first case he worked when he returned to the Bureau when his phone rang. Rossi glanced at the caller ID and answered. "Lt. Caine, what do I owe the pleasure?"

"I have a young man here that wants to ask you a question, Agent Rossi," Horatio said. "I would ask that you consider what he asks you carefully before you answer."

Rossi could hear the small objection Reid made in the background and smiled. "I would be happy to listen to anything Spencer has to ask me," he said.

"One moment then."

"Rossi?"

"Hi Reid, what can I do for you?" Rossi asked.

"Uhm, so Horatio and I were talking about things and I've decided that I don't want to work with profiling any more because there's too much darkness there and I don't want to lose myself in the darkness, and he asked what I'm passionate about, and I realized that I've got a mini-database in my head from all the case files I've read and worked," Reid said quickly. "So Horatio, well, he suggested trying to make some sort of searchable database for crime that the Bureau and other agencies around the country could use. Sherlock Holmes once advised a Scotland Yard Detective to lock himself away and read at the criminal news and reports for twelve hours a day and then he would be better at his job because everything has been done before. I'm going to talk with the Bureau to see if they'll fund me putting something together, maybe loan me Garcia to actually build it, but then I realized that it'll take some writing, and I'm not that good at writing, but you are, and I was wondering if you would be willing to help me out with the project?"

"Reid, take a deep breath for me, please," Rossi said. 

"Why?"

"Because I don't think you took a breath while you were talking," Rossi said. "The idea has merit. So you're thinking to take all the files and connections you've got stored in your mind and put them to paper for others to be able to use. I know I've longed for something so simple in the past."

"I don't know how simple it will be, but if it can help people out, then there has to be a way to get it built."

"You don't need to sell me on the idea, kid, I like it," Rossi said with a grin. "Do you want some help with the brass at the Bureau so they actually approve the idea and leave it in your hands rather than take it away from you when you get it going?"

"Do you really think they would do that?"

"They like to take things that work and give it to the person they believe is best suited to run it," Rossi said. "As someone that helped create a department within their stodgy old network, trust me on this one."

Reid made a sound that might have been a laugh, but it was hard to tell over the phone. "Do you really think you'd be able to convince them to let me do this?"

"Spencer, I know where quite a few of them have bodies buried, if you will," Rossi said. "You write up the proposal and get Lt. Caine or Gideon to get it to me and I'll make sure that they not only say yes, but they keep their long noses out of it other than signing over some money to help you out."

"I'm still not sure exactly what I want to do, but okay, I'll see what I can do," Reid said. "Horatio suggested starting with serial killers and working from there to get as many criminals, crimes, signatures, and information into some sort of searchable database. That's where we're going to need Garcia, or someone that knows computers. I have so much information stored in my mind, you can write, but neither of us is good with computers. We need that help to make this work."

"Have you asked her about it?"

"No. You're my first call, because if you said no, then I wasn't sure how I would be able to move forward with the project."

"You would have found a way, Kid. I always knew you were strong, and you're proving me right again. You call Garcia and see if she's willing to come on-board with your project," Rossi said. "I'll start sounding the Director and a few of his friends out about the basic idea until you can get me that proposal for them. Then we'll let you take the lead and see where you take us."

"I'm not sure if I'm the right one to be the leader, Rossi," Reid said. "Maybe you should do that and I'll provide the facts and links between cases."

"Uh uh, this is your idea, that makes it your baby, and I'm going to make sure no one is able to take it away from you," Rossi said. "Trust me, Reid. You're the best one to do this, and I'm honored that you're going to let me help out. I'm serious, give Garcia a call and see if she's willing to either help herself, or if she knows someone with the clearance and abilities to get this done."

"Uhm, do you think she'll tell the whole team?"

"Not if you ask her not to," Rossi said. "Garcia can keep a secret better than people realize she can. I have a feeling that she'll help you out herself, but she might know someone better. Have Lt. Caine or Gideon give me a call if you need anything else."

"Could I call you?" Reid asked softly.

Rossi couldn't help the grin that spread over his face at those words. "If that's what you truly want, Spencer, then yes," he said. "I was, and am, serious about you being able to call me whenever you want. I just didn't want to assume and wanted to be sure you had the space you needed."

"Thanks," Reid said softly. "I'll let you know what Garcia has to say."

"I'll talk to you then, Kid." Rossi hung up and pushed up out of his chair. He had a few phone calls to make that were better made on a land-line where he could attach a recording device. The younger generation didn't realize how much of a bastard he could be, or how hard he was willing to work to help someone he really cared about out. By the time Reid has his proposal written up, Rossi would already have the Bureau fully on-board with the idea. It would just take a little time and work on his part to make it happen.


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RL has been beating me up the past few months, but I have a novel in a contest running on UK Amazon. If you have a second, please check it out.
> 
> https://www.amazon.co.uk/Kodomotachi-Kaminari-Children-Lightning-Magical-ebook/dp/B071Z23SZX/ref=sr_1_1_twi_kin_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1495305346&sr=8-1&keywords=lexxie+scott

Logically, Spencer knew he shouldn't be scared to make a simple phone call, especially a call to Garcia. The computer and data goddess, as she often referred to herself, had been nothing but affectionate and caring towards him, even if he didn't know how to interact with her at first. He honestly didn't know if she knew about his relationship with Hotch, but Spencer had a feeling Garcia saw more than anyone ever gave her credit for, and probably saw everything.

He finally took a deep breath and dialed her direct line, not wanting to have to go through the main switchboard.

"You have reached the font of all knowledge. How may I amaze you today?"

"Hey Garcia, it's Reid."

"How are you doing, sweetie?" Garcia asked. "How's Gideon?"

"He's fine, and so is Horatio. I know you never got a chance to meet him, but he's really nice," Reid said. "They've um, well, they're giving me a place to stay."

"I know what happened, Spencer. You just say the word and Hotch will know what it is to hurt."

Reid winced. He wouldn't risk Garcia's wrath and honestly felt bad for anyone that earned it. He still remembered, vividly, the screensavers Morgan had to endure for a month. He never wanted to see that much pink in one place again. "Thanks, Garcia, but I still, even after everything and I know I shouldn't, but I still..." he trailed off, not sure hot to put his feelings into words.

"You still love him," Garcia said softly. "You always will, Spencer, or at least a part of you will. Now that doesn't mean you won't be able to love someone else if you really give them an honest chance to prove to you that they deserve your love."

"I don't think I'll ever be able to trust anyone like this again, Garcia," Reid said. "I gave him everything I am and, in the end, he tried to destroy me. I can't survive something like this again."

She caught a tone in his voice she didn't like, and jotted down a note to call Rossi as soon as she could, if not Gideon himself. "What can I do to help you, Spencer? I know you probably don't want to see any of us, but say the word and I am in Miami," Garcia said. "You know the Bureau is always trying to pry me from my nest."

"Well, actually, I was sort of thinking about starting up a project and Rossi has agreed to help, but I don't know how to even start putting something like this together, but he suggested I speak to you because you know computers," Reid said, not pausing for a breath.

"Breathe, kiddo," Garcia said. "You know I am always up for a good project. What has your wonderful mind created for us to bring to life? Are we going to need a good thunderstorm to work with?"

Reid couldn't help but snort at that statement. It was pure Garcia. "I'm done with profiling. There's just too much darkness and I can't live there anymore. It's not a good place for me to be," Reid said. "But I want, and need, to be doing something. I'm too young to be taken seriously as a teacher, and I don't want to just do research. So Horatio and I were talking and he made a suggestion and now I'm wondering if it might be possible to create a computer program or database a bit like my brain, actually. Something that can be used to help others by finding connections between signature and killer based on history or prior cases."

"Sweetie, nothing will ever be able to replace your brain because you are unique and so very special, but I see possibilities in which you speak," Garcia said. "Do you want my help to code it?"

"would you?" Reid asked. "I know enough about computers to be able to work with them, but not for something like this."

"You don't even have to ask, Spencer. Not only does this sound like a really awesome challenge from the coding and programming side, it's something we totally need," Garcia said. "Are you going to propose to the Bureau for funding?"

"Well, in a way," Reid said. "I spoke to Rossi and asked him to help with the writing so it's not too technical and dry, and he said something sort of weird, but I'm still going to write up a proposal."

Garcia grinned. She had a feeling Rossi was being a bastard to someone so Reid would have his project with no risk of anyone taking it away. "I'll be happy to talk with my IT boss and see if he has any words of wisdom for us, Spencer," she said. "I know a number of old files still need to be uploaded to the general database and sorted. They might let me take that on as part of this project."

"I've probably read them, but the more information the better," Reid said. "I want this to be as complete a database as possible, and that will mean the ancillary information as well; pictures, maps, other references used, and anything that will make the information more complete." 

"Ask it of me and I shall find a way," Garcia said. "You had a brilliant idea, Spencer. I hate you were almost destroyed before you thought of it though."

Reid sighed. "I'm not doing good and I'm not doing okay, but Gideon says I'm getting better," he whispered. "I can go back out in public as long as it's not too busy, and have been to visit a couple of Horatio's team."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Garcia asked. "Not with this project, but just for you, Spencer?"

"I don't think so, but thank you," Reid replied. "I'm using Horatio's cell phone because I don't have one right now, but he'll pass messages on."

"All right, and I also have Gideon's number. He gave it to me a couple of years ago. I totally understand not wanting to talk to anyone, kiddo. You keep yourself safe and we can talk again when you have the go-ahead from the brass. Or, if you don't get it and are going to go ahead with it anyway."

"I don't think the Bureau would like me using their files if I don't have express permission," Reid said.

"That's true, sweetie, but there are other high-ranking organizations out there that might be willing to fund the project for the chance to have free access to the information," Garcia pointed out. "We can always talk with them, and they don't exactly have to be from the US."

"Yeah, you're right, and I do have a couple of contacts in England and France," Reid said. "I'd still like to attempt to create this in-house if possible, but I can always present the information without supporting documentation because I've read every crime-based file in the FBI. I do need to review the ones Gideon has been working on though."

"Write your proposal first and then absorb the files," Garcia said. "We will make this work, kiddo."

"Thanks, Garcia. I'll talk to you later."

Garcia sat for a minute after the phone call was over and thought. She wouldn't go after Hotch, but only because Reid asked her not to. That didn't mean, however, that she couldn't use her anger for some strictly academic homicide scenarios. She finally shook her head and opened a chat window with a friend that owed her a couple of favors. The fact he worked with the still new A.I. technology in development was only a coincidence. Garcia wanted a database that would learn with each new entry, and eventually be able to aid criminal investigators find links not obvious to the human mind.


End file.
